New to this and overwhelmed

[AnotherVice]

I am at the very beginning of the separation/divorce journey and I'm trying to find the information I need but am overwhelmed. Basically I am the one who wants to end the marriage so I plan to leave the marital home which we jointly own with a mortgage but have some equity in. We have four dcs and custody would be 50:50. We both work full time with me earning about £20k and him about £80k. I know going forwards my quality of living will be dramatically reduced and I'm okay with that but I need to make sure I can keep a roof over my head. Could I expect him to buy me out of our house even though the children will remain living there with him at least half the time? Youngest is 4. If not I will have to rent and my income just won't cover it, I'm not sure what I can do. I intend to see a solicitor asap but know you guys give excellent advice.

Why aren’t you staying in the family home?
On your income levels you’ll likely be awarded a larger than 50% share of assets. He’ll need to buy you out of you remain there. Are their pensions too ?

See a solicitor before you move out

Thanks for replying. I'd leave because I'm instigating the end of the marriage. He wants us to stay living together and co-parent like that but I do not. Regardless of who stays in the house, does buying the other out even come into it while the children still live there?

I'm in a similar boat to you, although at an even earlier stage (haven't told DH yet I want a divorce).
I have no idea how I will manage financially, no way we can afford two separate houses so I have assumed we'd have to sell our family home to release equity :(
I don't quite understand how the process of buying out works, presumably DH would need to take out a bigger mortgage if he wanted to do that and stay in the current house?
I feel so clueless. Sorry to derail your thread!

My understanding is that regardless of child care arrangements, you are both entitled to equity in the house. My husband is buying me out and we worked out value of the house, current mortgage etc and then the equity split equally between us. Also got our savings split in two and (sort of) agreed how much he needs to give me for my share of the house and how much savings we each get to keep. He needs to make sure he can transfer the existing mortgage to his sole name although that is sort of his problem?

When it comes to childcare, it will affect child maintenance payments but it shouldn't affect your rights to a share of the family home.

Even though you are initiating the divorce you could still consider staying in the family home. You can do this till youngest is 18 then sell property. Or if there’s enough equity now for two properties consider that.
My solicitor told me to pursue capital rather than maintenance. It was good advice.

How can you stay in the marital home if you can't afford the mortgage payments on your own?

Well first question is can you afford the mortgage and upkeep of the house
Second is, if no, what % share of assets do you need in order to house you and kids?
You don’t need to move out just because you’re instigating
He’ll either need to buy you out ( raise his mortgage) or you get a mesher, stay in the house and his share is deferred
But only a solicitor will really be able to advise you specifically

Also who is the main carer now?
I’m assuming if he’s earning 80k then he works long hours. How would 50:50 work in that scenario? If you are the main carer then you can still have 50:50 parental responsibility. That’s what I have- dc resident with me as main carer but 50:50 parental responsibility.

First thing- get rid of that guilt you’re feeling. Figure out what you need to happen to provide for you and your dc post divorce. Seek legal advice

Presumably he is working very long hours for that amount of money. How is he going to do childcare? Are you going to be sitting home alone while the children are in childcare?

Wow thanks everyone. To answer some questions, no I couldn't afford the mortgage and upkeep of family home. I don't mind going. He could definitely afford it all on his own and up the mortgage to buy me out. There would be enough when the equity was split for me to start again albeit modestly.
He actually doesn't work long hours, is very flexible and does most of the childcare around my shift work at the moment. I imagine it will stay roughly the same only between two houses.
I don't think I would be entitled to any maintenance even with the discrepancy in income as childcare would be split evenly. If anything he might end up with them slightly more, I guess I'd have to pay him then!

Think you should figure out the realities by Diwali g to a solicitor.
How old are yours dc?

‘The realities of divorce’

Also, who would keep the child benefit? Usually main carer. He wouldn’t be eligible for it as he earns over the threshold.

Its irrelevant who wants to end the marriage. You need to see a solicitor before you decide to move out.
With 4 kids and a husband who is a high earner you should be able to get a lot of maintenance I'd imagine, so long as you're the primary carer.

I am going though mediation at the moment, I am the one wanting to end the marriage and he is trying to buy me out - the only thing I’m going to be able to afford is shared ownership but I have done the figures and I should be able to - our split with equaity at the moment is 70/30 to me which means I may leave his pension alone but he will still be paying child maintenance. Very similar earnings to what you’re saying.

I think you are selling yourself short.
Whose ideas are driving this ? His?
I would not move out with 4 children, no way.
It’s easier for him to given his earnings.
Whose idea is 50/50? Has it always been that way? I assume your earnings are less because you spent time as SAHP?
Get advice from a solicitor.

You really need to speak to a solicitor before you offer to move out.
Do you both have a pension ?
Do you have joint bank accounts ?

Are you really really sure you want a divorce?
If I was in your situation I would rent a one bedroom flat and each spend half the week there (get a cleaner in the middle so no arguments). That way there is stability for the kids but you each get space and freedom. Then after 6 months you can make a permanent decision.

The suggestion of a one bed flat is bonkers

It's not bonkers! It's called nesting or something. It's a thing!

Yes I'm sure I want to divorce. He really wants us to keep things amicable and sees me consulting a solicitor as not in the spirit of that. I do trust him not to screw me over.
Interesting idea about the one bed flat but it's not for me. Craving my own space is a big part of why I want to leave. It's obviously not the driving force but the way he does stuff around the house drives me insane and I can't wait to not have to deal with it anymore.
We each have small occupational pensions we'll just keep ourselves.
I think we've agreed to child maintenance from him to me despite the even childcare in order to redress the disparity in incomes so that the dcs aren't disadvantaged when they are with me. Youngest is 4, eldest is 17. I spent most of the last 17yrs as a sahp but have worked for the last 2yrs.

I definitely get the freedom bit, lockdown has been a pressure cooker for many. You're clearly spreading your wings which is great. It just seems such a sad time to be splitting up, when everything is so difficult, hence the suggestion of a short term rental, just to give you some breathing space. It's such a big change for you all, and the thought of being away from the kids /them having a stepmother would really make me pause before making final decisions.
Domestic stuff is a nightmare for everyone at the moment. Genuine question, would a housekeeper for an hour a day make a difference?

When lockdown is over I think I'm going to get someone to come for an hour in the morning to straighten up and clean. I recently started back at work and that's been the sticking point as that's the bit I used to do