How to handle this situation....

[Neverendingdramas]

I have been NC with SIL since 2014.

Reason was she was constantly interfering in our marriage and not respecting my boundaries. She constantly tries to get as much information about us from exDP and then shares with her friends. She also wanted to decorate for us our new flat without asking me. When I told her to mind her own business she changed tactics. The new strategy was to see the kids behind my back and act like I was irrelevant. DS1 had tonsillectomy, she visited him when I left exDP to stay the night. When DS2 was eight weeks old, she came outside the house and asked exDP to bring DS2 so she could meet him. I gave exDP a piece of my mind. I was so frustrated that exDP never told SIL to respect my boundaries and we separated for an year and half and later reconciled.

I then went NC with SIL since 2014. She however, took every opportunity to constantly say bad things about me to exDP whenever he went to visit MIL who lives at her house. Whenever exDP return home to me and the kids he was always in a mood and giving us silent treatment.

This year in January I had DS3 via c-section. Six weeks later I found out from DS1 that on the night I was in hospital SIL came to the house and ExDP kept it a secret from me. I was at a loss of words. DS1 told me she came when they returned from the hospital to see me and she stayed for about an hour watching a movie with them and before she left she had a good look around the house.

I confronted exDP and his response was "I'd rather keep things SIL does from you than add fuel to the fire knowing that you will be upset".

I was so livid and also felt helpless and a range of emotions. Despite going no contact with SIL for a number of years she had made it her mission to interfere in my life and especially showing me I was worthless because she would see the kids whether I liked it or not.

I decided to go to the police and report her for harassment. The police were very sympathetic but made it clear that it was a civil matter. They also made it clear that all these things wouldn't happen if exDP made sure there were clear boundaries.He suggested I send SIL a copy of the crime reference and tell her that I had been to the station and would start calling 101 if she continued harassing me. The police also referred me to a Domestic Violence support agency. I sent her a text with the crime reference number hoping that would knock some sense into her. I also had a conversation with my exDP. I also decided the kids can't go to her house (unfortunately this means also seeing grandma) because I can't trust her around my kids.

Thinking this was the end of things, I was very wrong. She began telling my husband why did I go to the police without my husband's permission. Hearing this he began saying I had made him half a man by not consulting him. Knowing that I had said the kids won't be going to her house, the angle of the conversation changed. It now became how dare I refuse the kids go and see grandma and that I was being a horrible person. Even though we weren't on good terms with SIL, I was allowing the kids to go see grandma every weekend for the last 2 years.

Going into lockdown, DS1 is classed as clinically vulnerable and we were keeping him home. He has sleep apnea.

Fast forward from March to December the arguments with exDP continued until the beginning of this month. I started a new job as a trainee teacher and didn't even last two weeks. Every day I walk in from walk it is non stop arguments and guilt tripping. I gave him an ultimatum and told him to either stay or leave. He took his coat and left and came back the next day and took his things and had moved into SIL place. I had to quit the job as I was stuck with childcare.

He took the car (even though it was in his name) I needed the car for the school run. DS1 has additional needs and his high school is 15 minutes away by car.
It's been nearly 4 weeks he hasn't even called the kids. They have been left wondering where he went.

He then said he wants to have the rights to not only visit the kids but also take them to his mum and his family (SIL) and he is ready to take me to court to fight me for that.

I spoke to a domestic violence agency who have told me what my options can be going forward. I also spoke to social services. Now that we are getting a divorce I know they (exDP and SIL) will now take things up a notch. It's such an emotionally daring experience and I feel like the whole intention was to rob me of peace of mind or keep me so anxious that I would not have time to devote to the kids and their needs.

Sorry for the long post. Please let me know your thoughts.

Sorry that you are going through all this. It sounds awful and overwhelming.

From your post your SIL perhaps sounds overbearing but, and correct me if I've missed something, she doesn't sound like she poses a danger to the children. Unless you can prove she is a danger to the children your exdp will be allowed to to have the children around his mother and sister during his time.

There is only so much you can control about this process so it's so important that you look after yourself. Find a great therapist and confide in your friends and family.

If the marriage is unsalvageable then get copies of all important documents, account numbers etc and confirm to your exdp that he can't lump you with all the childcare, he'll have to step up. Is there anyway you can get back on the teacher training course in future as that sounds like a great opportunity and having your own life away from their drama will help.

I would suggest you write down all that has happened and keep a diary. You are going to have to be 2 steps ahead of them. Any reason why MIL could not come round to yours, why he took them there constantly. Surely the kids were overhearing SIL bad mouthing you

My thoughts are - I'm glad it's not my life. Sorry.
And that it sounds extremely difficult.

But I don't think you can stop the children's Dad from seeing his children because he lives with his sister who likes to snoop round your house.

In what way does she pose a danger to your children?

Whose name is the car in? Why do you quit your job instead ofvsorting childcare and I hope your claiming maintenance

Thank you for the replies.

Yes the kids have heard her bad mouthing me and that is my biggest concern now that we are separated. It's one thing to be overbearing, it's another to take the opportunity that she is around the kids to paint me as a bad person.

She has made it clear to many people (same friends circle) that she was never happy that I was exDP's wife and that she would have a little party to celebrate when we go separate ways.

I had a wonderful relationship with MIL, she would come and visit us and was there when DS2 was born. She has developed dementia and whenever I went to SIL house to visit MIL she used the opportunity to say hurtful things about me to everyone including that I came over to the house to make an apology about all the things I've complained about her. When I said I won't be going to her house anymore, she told exDP that MIL wasn't allowed at ours and the only thing was to allow the kids to go to her house to see their grandma.

I am not allowed to emotionally abuse my children, how is it possible than as aunt she will now (that we are separated) will have access to the kids and take the opportunity to rub it in that mum and dad aren't together anymore and it's probably mum's fault.

Thanks everyone.

@Upsideandundergarments

Sorry that you are going through all this. It sounds awful and overwhelming.

From your post your SIL perhaps sounds overbearing but, and correct me if I've missed something, she doesn't sound like she poses a danger to the children. Unless you can prove she is a danger to the children your exdp will be allowed to to have the children around his mother and sister during his time.

There is only so much you can control about this process so it's so important that you look after yourself. Find a great therapist and confide in your friends and family.

If the marriage is unsalvageable then get copies of all important documents, account numbers etc and confirm to your exdp that he can't lump you with all the childcare, he'll have to step up. Is there anyway you can get back on the teacher training course in future as that sounds like a great opportunity and having your own life away from their drama will help.

Thank you. I plan on seeing a therapist and looking after myself.

ExDP seems to put her on a pedestal (even more than his mum) and he can't even ever accept that she is in the wrong. She knows that his loyalty is with her and she does whatever she wants and gets away with it. Which is the reason the relationship is in salvageable.

She wants to know every bit of info and he just tells her everything. I feel emotionally drained as I feel I have no privacy.

He's even told me comments like:

Maybe I am too sensitive and need to grow a thick skin. He even tries to make me question my own reality.

Whenever I ask him why he can't tell her to stop interfering, he says I'd rather take the easy path (keep me in the dark) than confront SIL.

@slipperywhensparticus

Whose name is the car in? Why do you quit your job instead ofvsorting childcare and I hope your claiming maintenance

The car was under his name (but it was our family car) and he knows that DS1 has special needs and his high school is 15 minutes away.

I saw the job advert, applied and passed the interview and agreed to start right away because he was on furlough and we agreed he would look after DS3 (10 months) whilst we got a nursery place sorted. We had just gone into the lockdown at the in November and even viewings were limited. So when he said he was leaving, I didn't even have a back up plan the next day.

Another thing is starting the job seemed to be the catalyst to him making more demands about taking the kids to his sister's house and asking me why I reported her. I think he felt he cornered me as I had signed a contract with the new job and I would have to agree to whatever he requested or I'll be struggling with childcare.

Working in a school means your a keyworker? You just need to be able to pay for it benefits can help there is a fund that you can apply for to help pay the first month then you pay and upload proof and you get most of it back its not the best system but if you need to work its all you have got

I don’t see what she was doing that was harassment if her brother allowed her in to the house?

Nevertheless, I’m sorry things are so difficult for you.

@Nnkk

I don’t see what she was doing that was harassment if her brother allowed her in to the house?

Nevertheless, I’m sorry things are so difficult for you.

Thank you.

You are right, someone (exDP) let her in and she didn't break in, but for someone who hadn't been to our house for years (as I had gone no contact) her visit was just to show me that she can do whatever she wants and exDP would let her get away with it. He actually kept it a secret and kids told me.

This was just the tipping point, previously she was trying to see the kids whenever I wasn't around. Asking for eight week old DS2 to be brought outside to meet her. When DS1 was born premature she said she hoped he would not make it.

But seeing the kids with their other parent isn’t harassment.

Many families do that in a conflict situation.

Not that it isn’t hard, it is, but you need to be realistic.

Same with the car. It’s in his name, he’s entitled to take it.

You need to get legal advice from a good lawyer. And take it from there.

Thank you.

I plan to get some legal advice next week when offices are open again.

I've realised I have just taken on peoples baggage for the last few years and now I've been left to sort things out. The unfair bit is I respect my brothers wives so much I wouldn't even meddle in their affairs and I've had to deal with this.