How to get comfortable 'S'TBXH out?

[waveygravy]

In mid-December DH chose divorce rather than give our marriage another try. I've looked at options, financial agreements, parenting agreements etc and emailed him info plus documents to complete to get things rolling. It's been quite quite empowering and I feel an urgent need to get free of him but he's now stalling. He's saying things like 'I thought we'd put the house on the market when the weather warms up.' For background he's medically vulnerable and barely leaves the house because of Covid. Has anyone got any suggestions for what first steps I can take to get things moving and him out? We have young children and I don't want this to be a long and potentially confusing process for them.

Where are you in the divorce process? Do you have an agreed split of finances? A nisi?
Has he agreed to leave? If not what makes you think he should leave not you? One or both of you has to eventually but you could live as a house share until the house is sold? Not ideal but many do it...

Go shopping

Give him Covid

Problem solved

Too dark ?

Lauriefairycake dark indeed 🙃 I've asked him to pull together information for financial disclosure and let me know how he'd like to split caring for the children. I hadn't started legal divorce proceedings as I'd assumed we'd need all that information beforehand? He hasn't replied. I want to be free of him as his behaviour has elements of abuse. I'd also assumed I'd have a greater share if childcare so I would stay in the house with the kids until it's sold. So many assumptions I know but if he won't communicate I don't know what else to do.

My ex-DP isn't really participating in the process either - we have been living under the same roof for nearly 15m now - it's horrific.

I can't afford to rent & pay my share of the mortgage. He can, but refuses. He won't sell, even though he has no legal right to refuse.

My only option is to force a sale & division, which will take months & cost ££££ but it's better than being trapped in this dystopian nightmare.

You need to get a solicitor on the case. A letter or two from the solicitor might make him realise that it’s really happening.
Have you had the house valued and asked him if he has a personal pension ? Do you know if he has any private bank accounts or other financial assets ?

If he is medically vulnerable he’d be better living apart from children who attend nursery/school. I’d suggest he moves out and rents.

Large prosecco that's horrendous, I'm so sorry you're stuck in the nightmare. Fippertygibbet thanks for your advice. I've approached a solicitor this morning for an initial consultation and will get a valuation organised for when the kids are back at school. I've wanted him to move out and rent all year as we've been stuck abiding by his self-devised shielding rules. He hates 'unnecessary' expense so has resisted.

I know he has started a civil service pension since we married and private ones from before we met. But without him filling in the financial disclosure form I can only guess at how a financial split might go.

Get valuations and get it on the market.

Stop washing his clothes, stop cleaning up his messes, stop buying and cooking any food for him.
Start splitting the finances and redirecting bills if needed.
Also stop letting him control you all - go to the park/ get coffee / do whatever.
Make him feel uncomfortable

Divorce and financial split are two different things. I would start the process for the nisi regardless (don't need solicitor for that) as it will take several months.

Then start discussing financials. I would get a solicitor involved in consent order to make sure it's watertight. That cannot get submitted until Nisi is confirmed
by court so you have some time to iron it out anyway.

Thanks for all the suggestions. Right valuation and starting on divorce it is. I don't wash his clothes since several unfortunate tissue in the wash incidents years ago 🙃. Unfortunately having him at home all of this year has meant he now actually is present for meals and I think it's a balance between making things uncomfortable for him and worrying the kids. He has been cooking for us all more so maybe that's the way to go.

Going out within our tier rules leads to such aggro from him. He follows me round the house asking how close was I to people, was I wearing a mask. Dumping his anxiety on me basically. Taking the kids out for Covid-safe Christmas activities was unbearable as he'd constantly snap at them to keep their distance.

Start the divorce. The government website is very helpful. But what are your reasons? Unreasonable behaviour? (this can be stuff like lack of intimacy etc).
Apply online - so much faster at the Gov end.
You need to separate - so you can't be doing his washing, cooking etc and have separate food bills.
Look at universal credit and see if you qualify for anything.
I'd get something in writing about how you're looking after the kids atm. Even just an email where you say we're doing 50/50 atm or whatever and nag him to reply and confirm.
If it's not 50/50 then make sure there's a transfer of child maintenance at cms rates.
Split your finances, cancel joint cards, if mortgage is going from a joint account then make sure there's a payment in from your account saying half mortgage, half bills etc

I remember feeling how you do an urgency to split once the decision had been made but ex dragged his feet I drove the entire process and still am it's absolutely exhausting. We split in May 2020.

We discussed him renting he never did so we ended up in this dire nightmare of living together still. Separate room etc. No talking. It's shit for the kids I just try and carry on as best I can. Out house is going up for sale in Jan as it's the only way of me getting shot of him. I think he'd happily live like this forever. In a way its a control thing he knows I'm limited in hoiw I can move on whilst he doesn't cooperate. Get the ball rolling with the divorce I did mine online I'm getting solicitor on consent order now and once that's done it will be over. It will have taken a year or more by then. What I'm saying is don't expect instant movements or quick process I've written of 2 years mentally from start to finish that's what it will likely take before I'm settled again.

Even house valuations etc take time, getting house ready getting agent round. It's not a fast process and slower due to covid. Just take one day at a time and take small steps to get to where you need to be. Perhaps you could start sorting the house, getting finances in order etc ready for when your split.

Thanks PikaK and Raver84 for helpful advice. I've taken time today to plan things out, what I can do, where I need expert help. I've begun to separate our finances, have calculated the current childcare split and booked a house valuation for next week. I was all fired up to submit a divorce request online via the government website but it requires wording of unreasonable behaviour and I don't want to get it dismissed and lose my £550. One for a solicitor to check over I think. DH today mentioned he's considering renting storage to help minimise move out so that's really positive. Thanks for words of warning about how long it may take. I'm beginning to plan changes to the house when this is all over, that's my happy place at the moment!