Could a consent order make things worse?

[ConsentOrderorNot]

DP has recently finalised his divorce, but was advised to leave the consent order until after the divorce was settled.

His ex moved over 200 miles away, and since moving has expected him to do all of the travelling to see his DCs.

He travels the 12 hour round trip journey to see them EOW. His ex expects him to collect and drop off at her house, and has said she doesn't believe it is her responsibility to facilitate any of the travelling.

Sometimes, due to his work commitments, he can't go on a weekend, so he goes mid-week instead, and stays a couple of nights. For all of these visits, he has to rent an apartment in the town where his DCs live to have them. He bears all the costs of travel and accommodation for these visits, which comes to thousands of pounds a year.

DH is constantly knackered from all the travelling. He has a stressful highly demanding job as well, and often travels the 12 hour weekend round trip in between work trips.

He wants to seek a consent order to order to formalise the arrangements. He still wants to see the DCs EOW, but wants his ex to have to drive them some of the way to meet him. He would still have to rent somewhere to stay with them, since they can't make it all the way to his house and back in one weekend. But given that it was her choice to move so far away, he thinks she should bear some of the responsiblity of travel.

On the weeks where he's working a weekend, he would obviously need to travel to where the DCs live so they can go to school. So on those times, he wants his ex to contribute to the travel costs.

His solicitor has made it clear that in getting a consent order, he would lose flexibility, but I think the court would take into account his varying work pattern (it has always been the same), and maybe have one set of rules for when he has them on a weekend and another set of rules for during the week?

Its also clear that any consent order will be made in the best interests of the DCs. On a handful of occasions his ex has relented and driven an hour or so to handover the DCs. Every time she has done this, she has been difficult and awkward, and has said that the DCs were absolutely shattered and difficult afterwards. THey are aged 14 and 12 so they're hardly little kids - and a 1-2 hour journey after school on a friday, and back home on a Sunday doesn't seem too much for them. DH always asks them if they're happy with it, or if they were tired afterwards, and they assure him they are absolutely fine and love their visits.

Does anyone have any experience with a consent order regarding forcing a parent to contribute to the travelling like this? Any advice?

I would be firstly concerned that with no consent order he is financially vulnerable until of if his ex wife marries.

Loads of women ignore court orders with impunity. Why is he so sure she would take any notice. However I did know of an acquaintance doing what you described and he told his ex he was moving close by and applying for 50/50 as a first step.....she started complying

Why would he be financially vulnerable? Because he's paying for all the contact visits? He already does, so any change would be in his favour.

He is indeed worried she would just ignore any consent order, or make it more difficult in other ways. Thats a risk I suppose.

A consent order normally creates a financial clean break so former partners can't claim on each other in the future aside from what is provided for in the order.

Google the boss of eco energy and his ex wife reappearing after 20 years. Whilst he might not be a millionaire, receiving an inheritance is not unusual

But they are divorced.

Yea divorced , but not financially severed until they have. Consent order
He should be pushing for his ex to facilitate travel if she moved away too

Without the consent order, if he dies she will have a massive claim on his estate.

I would recommend him setting up a very generous life insurance policy for her benefit until the children are 18/end FT education to ensure this is mitigated. He can close the policy at this point.

Surely they are old enough to get a bus or train alone?

I think you are confusing the consent order with a child arrangement order. They are two different things

And given their ages, can they not train it to DH?

Oops sorry, I mean a court order regarding arrangements for child contact. Not re finances.

The DCs aren't considered old enough or mature enough to get a train. Their mother's choice. We've even offered to meet them somewhere where they only have to get one train - so they don't have to negotiate any changes. She won't consider that either.

Given the ages of the dc I doubt a judge would make an order ime.. At 12 my ds went nc with exh despite a court order. Exh didn't fight ds's decision as he was advised no judge would insist the order was upheld. At 11 ds was travelling the 30 miles between homes with 1/2 siblings.. Bus or train.

But if it's a case of her not being willing to deliver them to a handover point - surely a judge could make an order to do that?

She argues that the DCs are too young to do any travel after school / on a Sunday because they need time to relax. She doesn't seem to notice when we visit the DCs, take them out for the day, and travel the same distance back with them on the Sunday that we have asked her to travel. They're not knackered then. They're only knackered when she's had to travel to collect them.

I don’t understand the 12 hour round trip when they live 200 miles away - I assume you mean trip up and back and then trip back up and home so 4 journeys?

Why did she move away - family support reasons?

Why are you involved?

They live 6 hours away from DH - so he drives 6hrs there, stays in a rented apartment with them , then drives 6hrs home.

She moved away because that's where her family live, yes. Although she no longer sees them. That's a whole other story.

I'm involved because he's my DH. Obviously this is up to him to sort out - but he listens to scare stories from his mates about exes not following contact orders, and is afraid and I want to find out some more realistic information for him.

My barrister actually told me contact only works if the resident parent wants it to..
My exh was obstructive which ended in dc walking out and live with me ft..
.. Does your dh contact them regularly via phone?

My barrister actually told me contact only works if the resident parent wants it to..

I think that's exactly what DH is worried about

Yes he chats to them lots via phone and messages.

Imo the best your dh can do is nurture from a distance all he can and once gej dc feel able to will travel alone and make their own choices.. My exh spent years keeping me estranged as best he could. Judge pulled him up on it time and time again for years..
When dc became mature and confident enough they told exh to do one and left...

He tries so hard to do that, and as a result he has a great relationship with them.

I don't think it has occurred to the DCs that they can make their own choices yet.

I hadn't actually seen 1 of my dc for a year, back story obviously, but 1 day he literally rang me (at 14) to go pick him up. He didn't see his df for 2 years. At all. Since then it has been at 3 funerals and I hospital visit in 5 years. Don't give up.

I highly doubt any judge will try to enforce contact on a 12yo and 14yo. The Courts have slowed to a crawl since covid, they are rammed with cases that can't progress quickly for a variety of reasons, by the time your partner even got seen by a judge, the DC would be even older and the case wouldn't be taken very seriously.

Family Court needs to be seen as a last resort, not as a battering ram for any old dispute between separated parents. Many, many judges feel this way and do not look kindly on it being used to adjudicate over contact arrangements that should be settled between parents. As there are no safeguarding concerns, and this is purely a financial matter, what exactly would the judge enforce? And how? (The DC's mother being arsey or unfriendly isn't something that the Courts will care about)

I agree with you MeMarmite as DH isn't trying to actually change the amount of contact he has with his DCs, he's just looking for a fairer split of the burden of travel (both time and cost). Its not just financial though - the time is really the biggest issue. She gives zero time to facilitate contact, whereas he travels 12 hours every other weekend. To a place that she moved to from their family home.

I think he just wants to hear a judge say its not fair to expect him to do all of it.

He's arranged mediation with his ex to try and come to some agreement. But he's not holding out much hope since she was difficult in mediation before. She needs to see that she ought to give a little bit. he's not asking for 50/50 of the travel... he's just asking for something

Perhaps your Hs ex wife classes the 12 hours she gets free from childcare as her time. Time she can see her friends, read a book etc. All those things that are difficult when you care for children 24/7. I see your H isn’t asking for more time. Does he have them in the school holidays etc? When does the mother get time to start investing in her life? Your H has moved on but his ex can’t because she has their kids 24/7 apart from 12 hrs EOW which you now want her to lose?

However I really don’t agree with one parent moving the kids so far away from their other parent. The courts need to stop that.

Sorry Coffee you have misunderstood my post.

DH has DCs every other weekend, for the weekend. He does a 12 hour round trip in his own time to be able to see them. His ex expects him to pick them up and drop them off at her door.

He's not asking for her to lose any time with them. In fact, technically she would have more time - since he would like her to deliver them a few hours drive closer to him - so she would actually gain that time with them rather than him doing all the driving.

Yes they share holidays too.

He would be the RP in a heartbeat if he could. She wouldn't allow it.

Sorry yes OP I misunderstood. I agree she is being totally unreasonable. What is her argument for not helping?