I've been tortured for months over this situation and I don't know what to do. Family are supportive, but very much in the vein of restrict access.
I was with my husband for 11 years, married for 7. We were madly in love, I truly thought we'd always be together.
During lockdown, I become pregnant (planned)with DC2, and experienced some significant issues with my mental health, partly because of stopping antidepressants under GP guidance, partly due to previously undealt with childhood trauma, partly just because of lockdown. We have a 5 yo already. My behaviour was erratic, I either couldn't sit still and would take on huge projects or be unable to get out of bed on rare days. I was anxious all the time, tense, stressed, strung out. I had issues with stomach ulcer, bad skin flare ups, insomnia. I was irritable, tearful, and near the very end I was very, very angry a lot of the time. I was hard work, I see that. I have since been diagnosed with emotional dysregulation and traits of borderline personality disorder but only recently has this come to light. We were not in a good place, he has been assessed for ASD traits as an adult and has his own mental health issues. The relationship become very quickly toxic, I asked him to leave to give me space. Eventually he did go to his parents.
STBExH and I had an altercation early summer, not at our marital home, where he called the police and had me arrested. This matter has since been discharged, and I immediately got myself help as I was a very angry, dysregulated mess and I never want my son to see me like that. I'm on new meds and underwent intensive psychiatric help. I was in the first trimester of my pregnancy when I was arrested and had bail conditions not to contact him. I stuck to these and focused on my recovery. I am on the surface a well educated, balanced professional so many of the people around me were completely shocked at this turn of events. I was very good at presenting a mask.
STBXH contacted me through a lawyer to demand 5050 residence immediately. He refused to see our son for several weeks during this time. My son was very upset by this. Inlaws would not communicate with me about it. It was a very emotionally difficult time.
I was and am my sons main caregiver, but stbxh wants 50/50 so he doesn't have to pay maintenance. I don't care about maintenance. ExH has never taken son to dentist, doctor, I deal with all school correspondence etc and has never shown interest in doing so. He has difficulty in staying on top of his own affairs, which I've supported him through throughout our relationship. All bills etc i paid as he had previously run up debts. I organised his repeat prescriptions, switched his dr surgery made apps etc. I was essentially his mother also. He does have our son some overnights now he has his own place, but doesn't do much with him outside of the local play park or video gaming. No socialising or homework. My son returns home smelling of damp, smoke and hasn't eaten fruit or veg so is constipated. Hes not at risk of harm, but I don't think more time there is beneficial. He also regularly keeps him off school on his one day he has responsibility to take him and rarely takes him to his sports club (he should go twice a week). My son does enjoy the time with his dad, I don't want to stop it.
I'm also concerned about the fact my son should not be spending 50% of his time away from my soon to be newborn. Im due very soon. Im trying to sort out regular contact of the baby with ex, but he's either uncommunicative for days, demanding overnights from 2 weeks old, calling me selfish for breastfeeding (I fed my son for several months) demanding her 50% from 2 months. He wasn't great when our son was tiny, didn't cope with the lack of sleep or colic, couldn't be flexible with routines etc.
I've made it clear that due to how things are between us, I will need a few days after birth to recover before he can see her. I need to focus on my mental health as well as physical recovery. I had asked him if he wanted to be there for the birth originally, a few weeks ago and he made it very clear he would not support me in any way. He's since changed his mind but he has said so many cruel and awful things since then.
He has continually bombarded me with accusations of being abusive throughout our whole relationship, that I'm a terrible mother, that he only tolerates me for the sake of our son. He sees me keeping him at arms length after the birth as a form of control over him but I genuinely just can't cope. This year has been a living nightmare and tbh at points I didn't think I'd survive it. Im in a better place mentally, and as much as I've acknowledged to him that the last few months were tough for him, I do not believe I was abusive for 11 years. He left me during what was essentially a breakdown, I had begged him for help and he wasn't interested. The birth and adjustment to having 2 kids will be hard enough without factoring him in too. Im trying to live one day at a time, but this huge event is looming and he's going to show me no mercy at all once she's here. I have a good support network from family and friends. I am confident in my ability to cope with both children alone.
What is reasonable for contact with the new baby? Bearing in mind this man despises me, has openly said he won't support me in any way and only sees "his rights" as a father? He has offered no practical support at all, nothing bought for baby, no enquiry as to where my son will be when I give birth, nothing. He very much has his life and I'm not allowed to know anything about it. He's only very recently starting coming in to the marital home again to pick up my son for contact, but its awkward. He won't even take his coat off.
I don't know what to do. This is inevitably going to be a long and stressful and expensive process through the courts as he will continue to demand his rights to shared residency. I just want the first few weeks of newborn life to be as stress free as possible.
Any advice from anyone would be appreciated. Thanks.