Feeling broken and worthless after husband’s adultery and divorce

[EmmaG2021]

Hi
I’ve never posted on a site before, but I’m really struggling and I’m hoping that someone might be kind enough to read my post and perhaps offer some advice .

I’ve just come through a hellish couple of years. My husband had an affair, secretly cleaned out our joint savings, left me and our children. He has behaved so callously and become such a bully, and I’ve become so afraid of him.
I feel so broken and worthless, while he and his young girlfriend flaunt themselves around my home village, and she has even laughed at me and told me I should be ashamed of having a bad marriage and not knowing.

I’m desperately trying to hold things together and to shield our two children from all this.
Can anyone offer any advice?
Emma

I can’t really offer much advice, but I’m the same as you other than mine doesn’t live in the same village, so at least I don’t have that.
Mine was having an affair since 2017, he spent all our joint savings on her and all the money we had for an extension to the house. I think around £70k. He also took 25% of his pension in cash as soon as he hit 55.
My children were older and choose not to see him, he’s done some awful things to them mentally. I keep more or less no contact, but I’ve had to have some recently as we’ve just sold the marital home. I’m lucky in that she lives close to their work, so he lives with her about an hour away. I don’t know how I would cope knowing they were nearby.

The pain they’ve caused, the damage they’ve done, is enormous, and I think I will never fully recover. It does get better and easier with time, but the loss will never leave me fully.
I feel your pain. All I can suggest is if she’s harassing you, then call the police for advice.

Thank you - it’s so kind of you to reply.
It’s so hard to see my children so hurt - he just doesn’t seem to care about any of us. I hope things get better for you.

It is hard to see them hurt, I don’t know whether to be grateful mine were older so I don’t have to see him at handovers or that they get introduced to the OW, or be sad that they’re older and so know exactly what their dad has done to us.
I don’t know how old yours are, but children appear to be very resilient and see things very black and white

Ok, your ex is a complete dead beat. His opinions are so irrelevant to you. Things haven't turned out as you planned but you only get one chance at this, there are no secind chances at life. Live in the present, enjoy the moments with your children (the highs and lows) and allow yourself to look back on those fond memories. If you dont move on you're depriving yourself of living your life to the fullest. Your kids will benefit so much, give yourself the life you deserve

Thank you - I really want to move forward and for my children to be ok. It’s hard to comprehend my ex husband’s behaviour. He has told me I am nothing to him, yet still tries to control my life. Your reply and advice really helps- thank you.

Both of them sound horrible. You’re well shot, although I know it doesn’t feel like it just now, but you are.

If she gives you any grief just tell her that he:
‘gave no clues to his unhappiness or duplicity at all. But I’m sure you’ll find out all about that when he gets bored with you too dear. In the meantime you’re welcome to him’.

Re your children, they will see him for what he is in due course when they’re older. You don’t need to badmouth him or anything as they will see the truth in due course.

In the meanwhile try and keep busy, do things that make you happy, spend lots of time with dc to keep your spirits up.

Don’t let that arse pull you down. He’s a fool.

Chumplady.com

Thank you- your message made me laugh. Of course his affair partner is 15 years younger, a work colleague who he went to conferences abroad with, no children etc. He actually told me he was worried about the age gap and that he couldn’t give her children- he actually expected me to be sympathetic!!!

Thank you - I’ll take a look at Chumplady

Hi OP, if it's any consolation my ex has similar morals and values to your ex's, ie none. The person he's with is beyond contempt for what she said. One of the hardest things in my experience is coming to terms with the fact that other people can be this vile.

Your task now is to rebuild and recover, to get to a place where nothing those people do or say can touch you, I'd really recommend getting therapy or counselling sooner rather than later.

Your children will be ok if you are also ok.

Hi Alys20
Thank you so much for taking the time to leave a message. It really is quite shocking the way someone you once loved and trusted can become so callous and bullying. I don’t know much about the woman , but was absolutely shocked that she was so vile. I am on a waiting list for counselling but it is a long wait . It’s great to find somewhere where people who have had similar experiences can offer support. Thank you.

It sounds like either your ex needs to move village or you do....my ex DH hung around for a while but we had a very public altercation one day when I made it perfectly clear that he shouldn’t be parading his new GF around and trying to rub my nose in it...The whole thing was extremely awkward and while I’m not proud of it, it did the trick and myself and the kids were finally free of him.

Hi BumbleFlump
I hope you gave him hell!
I don’t understand their mindset at all - I would have thought that the last thing either of them would want is to bump into me. He seems proud of himself and apparently tried to introduce his ‘lovely young girlfriend’ to anyone we know - although apparently they pretty much all avoid him or walk away in disgust. I don’t understand why she thinks that I should be the one who should be ashamed!

Sorry EmmaG2021, I’ve only just checked back on your thread.

Your exH sounds exactly like mine who is a total narcissist....it’s beyond his comprehension that he actually did anything wrong, of course it was all my fault 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m so glad that other people are seeing your ex for what he is now...hopefully at some point he’ll get bored of his little game and actually move on. At the moment it doesn’t look like he actually has because he’s still trying to upset you....I’ll never forget the time my ex called me to let me know how in love he was with his new GF 🙄

Luckily for me, his landlady asked him to leave because she didn’t feel comfortable with his GF being staying there - she was apparently in her early 30s but bizarrely looked much younger. He was 38 at the time. He moved about an hour away and finally I could breathe - I was finally free of him!

I am now basically non-contact with exH. He sees the kids once a week but never comes in the house, I don’t even have his phone number - very occasionally I’ll send a one sentence email if I need to communicate something that I can’t via the kids.

I don’t understand why she thinks that I should be the one who should be ashamed! It’s probably because she’s naive and gullible and has stupidly bought whatever lies he’s fed her about you. In fact, she probably thinks she’s one some kind of competition where your delightful ex is the prize - leave them to it, she’ll soon realise he’s not all he’s cracked up to be...I know for a fact that my ex was still looking around for other women after he’d got together with her and he’s definitely not been entirely faithful to her - what a great catch 😜

I've had very similar experiences before with ExP and it is truly crushing at the time.
I remember being told so many times in the beginning that it was all for the best but I couldn't see how. At the time I had this deep need to "understand", which I suppose now was a form of gaining closure without having to hear anymore of his lies.

This need pushed me into finding a passion for all things psychology and eventually led to me earning my degree (with honours) and being very independent. Meanwhile he has moved from gf to gf and it's now very clear he's had some kind of midlife crisis. I'm also told that he is considered an alcoholic.

Anyway what I did learn what that sometimes, this behaviour is a form of denial and projection. When someone knows deep down that have committed the ultimate moral sin, they (rather the ego) need a "reason". If they have a reason then this means that are less of a monster and more of a human that did things for good reason. You see this cycle even when partners are still having affairs. Once (as is your case) the cat is out of the bag then such behaviour becomes worse. This will play out in the fact that you are a bad person (distancing from his own actions) and as such he has done what he has done but found and was right to do so because he has found a good person (gf).

Eventually though this form of denial will catch up with him - in a way it already has as he's acting in this way - and believe me, he will be a very broken man deep down. And broken men always break the things around them.

None of this makes it ok, but hopefully knowing this will make you see that his behaviour however vile actually has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. And now the gf...oh how lucky a girl she is soon going to be!!

Biggest hugs. Don't let them grind you down you're worth so much more than that x