Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

I'm worried he's too irresponsible to parent them alone

14 replies

Theresnolimit · 13/12/2020 12:22

Planning to leave DH. Realistically, I have 4 months to go before I can do it. Preparations have been going on for the last 2 years, seen a solicitor, sorted finances, have enquired about a mortgage. I'm just getting the final ducks in a row.
What worries me in all of this, is DHs ability to adequately care for the DCs. He has no sense of urgency, didn't call an ambulance when DD collapsed a couple of years ago when I was screaming "call 999 call 999" because he was too scared to make the call and doesn't see danger at all.
He grew up in a very rural area, spent his childhood away from view, climbing trees, running through fields, completely idyllic. His parents never really worried about where he was or what he was doing, he wa always safe. He is not at all street wise.

I grew up in the city and a man tried to snatch me when I was 10 years old. Of course, it has made me very aware of danger, particularly as we have 3 girls.

We live in a town, there are fields and shops, buildings, busy roads. An area around half a mile away is more crime prevalent too.

Im probably at the higher end of "protective" but DH is definitely not protective enough. He just hasn't a clue. He needs reminding to hold the 2 year olds hand on a car park. He is completely oblivious to danger.
The also have allergies and he isn't the most attentive or proactive and has made mistakes in the past with foods hesgiven them. He's also not at all nutritionally minded and I discovered that when I went away for a long weekend last year, he gave them chips 4 times. His family have terrible relationships with food and I don't want them being the same. Is there any way I can protect them from this?
Custody is looking like a 4/3 split (with me for 4) and he adores the children and they adore him, he loves his children and I've no doubt, he'll be a hands on father, but he's so irresponsible.
I probably sound like a crazy control freak... but I'm having a last minute panic.
Any advice?

OP posts:
AfterSchoolWorry · 13/12/2020 12:37

Oh no, I wouldn't be comfortable will him having unsupervised access at all.

With the allergies and the lack of road sense alone...

Leah2005 · 13/12/2020 12:41

Perhaps he is irresponsible because he knows you will catch everything for him. Perhaps once he is single he will come up to the plate. Do you honestly think deep down he will allow any harm to come to the children once he has full responsibility?

Chocolate4me · 13/12/2020 12:42

Can you keep it civil and have a chat nicely with him about your concerns... Say you don't want to go down the route of insisting on supervised visits but set out some things you want him to be aware of... Can you come up with some rules to be agreed.... Call it a chat about how things are of course going to be different and you both need to think about how the girls need consistent boundaries accross both households for it to work well, same bedtimes, same food boundaries, where they can go and not go etc. Safety precautions so they don't play you off against each other.

june2007 · 13/12/2020 12:47

I really don,t think their is enough here to not let him have the children. Having chips 4 times is not good but not a reason to let him have the children on his own. Yes you do sound over protection/controlling.

fmlfmlfmlfm · 13/12/2020 12:47

I'm questioning how you ever became married.

You need to let go a bit. And he needs to enter the real world. Can you make a parental agreement with must do's on x y and z?

I think your traumatic past has caused a lot of these fears but the likely hood is this probably won't happen to your children.

Things like allergies are important and holding hands by roads.

Good luck xx

slipperywhensparticus · 13/12/2020 12:50

How old is the eldest? My youngest doesn't see his dad without big brother due to these concerns

Theresnolimit · 13/12/2020 13:31

Really good point @slipperywhensparticus our eldest is 7 and extremely sensible.
I think she would definitely pull him up on things if I speak to her about safety etc.

I wouldn't want him 'caring' for them when they're ill due to past experiences when DD had to be taken to hospital by ambulance and he just didn't get the urgency at all. He even offered the paramedic a cup of tea as he was preparing DD for the ambulance and he just glared at him.

I'm hoping he'll agree to something whereby if they're ill, they automatically remain in my care. I can't trust him to care for them adequately when they're ill.

OP posts:
june2007 · 13/12/2020 14:00

I can see why your marriage is breaking down . If he has not actually caused them any harm or any injuries i think you are being unreasonable. But then he may not be too unhappy about getting off from looking after sick kids. But you may want to share time off work if children are sick. The offering cup of tea sounds more like not knowing what to do in the situation. My husband collapsed/ seazures and the ambulance poepl expected him to just get up and walk down stairs. it,s not just memebers of the public who can be irrational.

Theresnolimit · 13/12/2020 15:58

You're completely missing the point @june2007

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 13/12/2020 16:23

@june2007

I can see why your marriage is breaking down . If he has not actually caused them any harm or any injuries i think you are being unreasonable. But then he may not be too unhappy about getting off from looking after sick kids. But you may want to share time off work if children are sick. The offering cup of tea sounds more like not knowing what to do in the situation. My husband collapsed/ seazures and the ambulance poepl expected him to just get up and walk down stairs. it,s not just memebers of the public who can be irrational.
Umm the ask this to see if they can not because of incompetence
june2007 · 13/12/2020 16:38

No they expected him to do it. (He went down on his bottom and it made him even more ill.)

Not missing the point op, you don,t trust him thats the point right?

Coseynightin · 15/12/2020 10:08

I'm sorry but you sound very controlling. Maybe he is worrying that your over protectiveness is a bad thing

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 16/12/2020 18:03

Would he go on a first aid course?

Lalaloveyou2020 · 16/12/2020 18:56

Second that you have controlling vibes. Maybe PTSD from that incident when you were a child. They're not just your children, they're his too. You'll just have to get over it and trust that he and your children will know to call an ambulance if needed. There are men who are wife-beaters who get access to their kiddos, I don't think you'll win.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread