Stuck between a rock and a hard place :-/

[ncailleach]

So I split with exh 16 long years ago when he chose to leave, we had 3 young children at the time. Anyway, fast forward to today, our youngest is 17. His b'day present this year to dd is supposed to be 3 driving lessons.. But she needs a theory test and provisional license before she can even start and she will need at least 12 lessons before she takes her test.. So really he is telling me that I and my dp need to fork out for everything else as opposed to treating her to something nice for her birthday. He has asked for mediation to discuss the care of our child as she chose to stop seeing him for a while. He won't pay for anything. He won't drive her anywhere. She told me that all her clothes there were dirty and she's not allowed to use the washing machine. She has started staying over again but I'm really worried that he is just emotionally abusing and guilt tripping her into it. If I talk to her she gets upset as she doesn't want to fall out with him like her older siblings have done. We have told her that dp and I will support her decisions and on the whole she seems self possessed and confident but today I had a talk with her friend's mom who told me that her daughter has seen exh undermining and upsetting dd to the extent that friends mom is worried about her and would refuse contact (easier said than done with a 17 year old!!). I had a talk with my eldest about it who said, 'well he was like that for years with me' and agreed that it is emotional abuse. So what on earth do I do? He denies everything that is said to him.. Even though all 3 of our children say the same and the 2 oldest no longer speak to him.

My DC are much younger so this might not work for you, but they see/saw a children's therapist. She advocates for them, and will write a report for example recommending not increase in contact between DC and ex. The therapist also tells ex what he needs to change before she will recommend that they stay with him. Therapist also calls out his abusive behaviour.

It's much easier having a neutral person deal with this than me having to speak to my ex about the DC.

Thank you for the suggestion. We are very rural but will definitely have a look if that's an option as I'm really struggling with communicating anything with him very effectively. Can't believe I'm still dealing with the same s#%t that I was 17 years ago. Hope your situation is far more short lived

Dealing with similar ex behaviour over many years so can sympathise, OP.

My eldest is nearly 17, has cut her father off and is starting therapy to get free of the damage his EA, VA and lying has caused. He will never change, and our hope that he would somehow behave like a decent, caring parent has caused DD to feel constantly disappointed, to keep blaming herself, and starting to doubt herself and her own experience.

I think coming to terms with the truth (that he's a shit father, and she deserves much better from him but won't get it) and withholding contact will do more good. If anyone else but the other parent treated your daughter like that, would you let her see them?

Mediation with liars and deniers is a complete waste of time in my experience.

Does she have a good relationship with her siblings? Can they not talk to her about their decision? A good counsellor or psychologist would probably really help. They can do sessions remotely.

She is really struggling with the idea that the issue is him. She has started staying there again, apparently he has told her that she has to and she is very worried that if she doesn't fill his expectations then she will be like her siblings and have no relationship at all with him. My eldest spoke to her a couple of weeks ago about it and she was in good form about taking a step back from her dad but exh has got to her since then (I have a nasty suspicion that he is trying to score himself some imaginary points before the mediation he has set up for next week). He is toxic. Some form of counselling sounds like a good idea. He has cried at both my youngest and eldest about how his kids are the most important people in his life... Yet he won't be nice to them!! He undermines everything they do unless they follow his (very bad) advice. I could happily have nothing to do with him ever again but dd does not want that to happen.