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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

STBXH Moving out/when to talk to DCs

11 replies

Febo24 · 04/12/2020 06:53

Hello!

Long story short, we're separating but have been living in the same house for the last 2 months. DCs (6 and 8) know that we're breaking up, but it's definitely been in some kind of limbo.

We've finally agreed that he's going to move out (as in, there's no saving the relationship) and he's looking now for a flat while we decide what to do.

Question is, similar to the initial telling of the kids, when should we tell them about the new flat and the new arrangements? Just before? On the day? Let them choose some new things?

This might happen over the Christmas holidays, so I'll update the school to say that it's happening (they were informed of the separation at the time).

This feels like we're doing it all again but I just want to time it right for them.

Thanks!

OP posts:
napody · 04/12/2020 18:26

I would have thought when he has the flat sorted so you can give them the specifics. That's what we have recently done, although during half term so that they had the next few days with us around to process. Not on the day! They might wonder what else you're gonna spring on them?

Obviously just trying to muddle through so don't take as gospel, but they seemed reassured knowing exactly where he was going (also its very close).

Original poster
Febo24 · 05/12/2020 08:00

Haha, definitely not on the day, no idea why I said that!

The place he's looking at they'll love, so novelty is a factor in sweetening the blow. It just feels like we're breaking up all the time, the initial discussion, going over it again, telling the kids, deciding on him leaving the house, telling them again. I think I'll sleep for a year after this.

Any advice on making it bearable? Did you go out for the day he moved or stay and help as part of the process?

OP posts:
napody · 05/12/2020 17:46

We didn't mention breaking up until he had a place sorted, but then had a couple of months to wait til the place was actually available.

Novelty has massively sweetened the blow here too...especially after such a tedious year. They have actually been really excited about having somewhere different to visit Grin Imagine them telling people in future years "2020 was so boring I was glad when my parents split up as at least it was a break to the routine"

He did some of moving whilst they were at school but the rest with a family member over a weekend and they were fine. Whether you avoid the house or stay around I would say depends on how you think you will both feel at the time- obviously you dont want to be getting too upset or stressed kn front of them if possible. If you're both feeling pretty calm and positive it might help then get their heads round it to help/make some choices?

Hope it goes well for you all.

parched · 06/12/2020 10:23

Not in a dissimilar situation, though at a much earlier stage and DS is older (10). He knows, so our plan is to involve him as much as possible in the search and move for STBXH new place. We want him to feel that is as much his home this one.
Getting them to choose some bits to have in their new place and taking them round on the day of the move, I think, will make it feel less of a big deal/sad.

Original poster
Febo24 · 06/12/2020 14:21

Odd practical question. As I'm staying in the family home for now, should he retain a set of keys? Things are amicable, but I feel like I need a boundary. His mum (nearby) as keys as she looks after the kids every week.

OP posts:
Techway · 06/12/2020 19:12

@Febo24, it depends..Will he move out all of his stuff? If so limited reason to keep the keys but often "taking" keys might feel contentious. You could leave it a few weeks.

It will remain your ex's house but it will be your home and that makes your privacy important for you

Tiddleypops · 09/12/2020 07:13

We told my DS (7) about 10 days before XH moved out. It was enough of a warning, and time to get used to it, but also not so long that he might start getting confused about whether it was actually going to happen or whether he could change it etc.
The novelty of a new house, bedroom, garden etc was enough to make it exciting, rather than terrible.

I wouldn't feel comfortable with my XH having a key to my house, but then he's a massive twat and he'd previously bragged about having had a secret extra key cut to his ex partner's house before giving her back his key so he could still get in without her knowing!
I changed the locks the day after he moved out (we were already divorced and had settled finances too so he had no legal rights on the house any more).

pigeonsandthings · 09/12/2020 07:16

It does depend on whether you trust him
Mine has but has never come around without telling / asking me first and not when I haven't been there with good reason / he was helping me out
You could put that in place and if he breaks it then change the locks

Original poster
Febo24 · 09/12/2020 17:25

Right, it's finally happening. He gets the keys to a rented house on 23rd Dec. I think we ride out Christmas and plan to move him after.

So do we ruin Chrimbo and tell them before check so they don't get false hope over the nice festive days. Or tell them a start boxing day.

Ho bloody ho ho.

OP posts:
HosannainExcelSheets · 09/12/2020 20:51

I think you tell them ASAP, show them his place on 23rd or 24th, make it clear that he is staying for Christmas and then moving out afterwards.

parched · 24/12/2020 09:44

I would ride out xmas. There's no immediate rush, so I'd give it a good week at least or else they'll always associate xmas with this. Good luck x

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