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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Feel like Screaming

19 replies

Nowthefunbegins · 02/12/2020 20:08

OMG my stbx is driving me insane. For various horrendous reasons, I have applied for financial proceedings at court. We exchanged information including questionnaire etc and then a couple of days before the hearing it was cancelled because no judges available - still waiting for a new date. I have a solicitor, he doesn’t - he thinks he doesn’t need one because he knows it all. He so doesn’t, and this is where he’s driving me round the bend. He keeps emailing my solicitor demanding information that he thinks I should have submitted with Form E and just doesn’t get that he should be asking these questions in his questionnaire - saying that I am withholding information and that it’s a statutory requirement to provide him with the answers. He’s very aggressive and it was an abusive marriage, although I didn’t realise this until we separated. I have huge anxiety every time I get a communication from him. My solicitor is great, but expensive, and every email he sends her cost me more. We have decided to ignore any more requests for information until the new court date but I feel so unsettled.

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Overwhelmedandanxious · 02/12/2020 23:08

I feel your pain. I worked out that one 10 sided defamatory, off topic, entitled rant from my self-representing (clueless) stbx and related emails cost me over £500 just for the solicitor to read and digest. I had to tell her to ignore any further comms. The entitlement is something to behold. It really is.

Nowthefunbegins · 03/12/2020 08:27

That is completely it - the entitlement that we should be at his beck and call, and if he gets aggressive enough we’ll just bend over. If I’m not careful I’m going to be paying my solicitor to teach him the legal process. Definitely no more response s but it’s difficult when I think she feels she has a professional obligation to reply. It would be so much easier if he would just get some legal advice. He honestly thinks he doesn’t need to because it’s just me he’s up against

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noideawhatusernametochoose · 03/12/2020 09:14

Mine's like that. He just wouldn't abide by what was agreed at mediation, and never did complete the paperwork required. He's gone against everything we agreed at every stage, so in the end I said mediation wasn't working and mediator signed us off.

He then complained at having to do the financial stuff for Form E again (because it was all timed out) when it was all his fault. Then pushed and started bullying to get it all done and has tried to blame the delay on me. It was worth paying my solicitor to write to his just setting out who's been causing the delays :)

I just keep thinking that one day I will be free of this twit. Hold that thought!

goldenharvest · 03/12/2020 09:23

He's not stupid. Running up huge fees to solicitors is a stock response from abusive exes. He is not the client of your solicitor and she needs to inform him of this and that no further correspondence will be entered into. She's discharged any duty of care she has to a member of the public.

Nowthefunbegins · 03/12/2020 10:28

You’re absolutely right, and this is what I will be saying to her today. This is classic behaviour from him - detracting from the actual issues, causing confusion and doubt. I’m getting better at recognising it but it is SO draining. I keep telling myself one day I’ll be free. I wonder sometimes where I ever found the strength to tell him to leave

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1stDecember · 03/12/2020 10:31

Well done OP - he must be hating that you are out of his control now, and he can't push you and your solicitor around!

Nowthefunbegins · 03/12/2020 12:03

That’s exactly what it is I think, he no longer has control and I need to keep focussing on that. We own a business together which he is refusing to get valued, but has sent about 9 different valuations direct to court which he thinks the judge should consider! He’s delusional, and I can’t wait for him to get a touch of reality when we finally get to court. I have a feeling that this will go all the way to final hearing because there’s no way he will compromise on anything, and hope that it is his undoing

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1stDecember · 03/12/2020 12:04

Just enjoy your knowledge that it will be Grin

StephenBelafonte · 03/12/2020 13:31

I have a feeling that this will go all the way to final hearing because there’s no way he will compromise on anything, and hope that it is his undoing

Yep, sounds about right (can you tell i've been there too). What I did was to cut out the solicitor and self rep and then I hired a direct access barrister for the day at court. Saved me thousands negotiating with a man I knew wouldn't negotiate. You might have to attend mediation before you can go to court. If so, just go to mediation, he obviously won't agree to anything there but you can use that as an excuse to move on.

Either you agree between you or the judge decides and the judge WILL BE FAIR.

Good luck, don't be afraid of court.

Nowthefunbegins · 03/12/2020 14:04

I’ve already had a MIAM and the mediator said there was no way she could recommend mediation because of his narcissistic behaviour towards me - she said it was abusive and so signed it off. He was furious about that too - another loss of control for him

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HosannainExcelSheets · 08/12/2020 12:58

I feel your pain. My ex has now contested the expert valuation of his business and is insisting on a lower one. He keeps accusing me of lying but with no evidence of any lies. It's so frustrating that I want to give up.

Nowthefunbegins · 08/12/2020 13:47

That is exactly what I’m expecting. He won’t even agree to getting a valuation at the moment so that is going to have to be court ordered. He sends documentation to the court all the time with different valuations he’s had done and thinks I should accept them - it’s completely insane - they’re just figures with no back up information. He’s told my 15 year old son that I’m stealing from his savings account and using his money for myself, this was the final straw for me - I’ve been trying so hard to keep him out of it but I can’t have him thinking his mum is a thief - I told him last night that it just wasn’t true. It’s like the stbx thinks if he slings enough mud, some will stick. It’s exhausting - I’m getting some counselling starting next week, to try to learn how to deal with the messaging and accusations

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Nowthefunbegins · 08/12/2020 13:49

@HosannainExcelSheets

I feel your pain. My ex has now contested the expert valuation of his business and is insisting on a lower one. He keeps accusing me of lying but with no evidence of any lies. It's so frustrating that I want to give up.
Please don’t give up - we will get there eventually
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HosannainExcelSheets · 08/12/2020 14:07

@Nowthefunbegins thanks. I know we will get there but today I am just feeling really down and like giving up on everything. I can't face doing more mediation and feel like just getting the court to deal with it all now. Even if it costs me money it might save some sanity.

One thing I can't seem to get over is that I supported this man for years, and gave and gave and gave...time, money support, everything. And he still feels entitled to more.

Nowthefunbegins · 08/12/2020 14:13

@HosannainExcelSheets are we the same person?! I supported him for years to set up the very successful business which I own half of, gave up my career - a joint decision but nevertheless is being thrown back in my face now. He’s accused me of tax evasion, collusion with accountants, undermining him - it’s just unbelievable. Court is the only way for me now - there is no negotiation possible

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HosannainExcelSheets · 08/12/2020 14:22

I think we might be. At the very least living parallel lives.

Ironically, in my case he's the one that has colluded with accountants to give falsely low valuations, has definitely been engaged in tax evasion in the past!

Oh well, I am sure the court is used to this and will see through what he is doing. Time to pick myself up, dust myself off and get on with this divorce.

Good luck to you too.

HosannainExcelSheets · 14/12/2020 13:50

Well, surprise, surprise! My ex missed the deadline for sending me offers for financial settlement...

At least I have a court timetable running along side mediation.

redastherose · 14/12/2020 14:03

I'm 4 1/2 years in and just approaching Court now! It took him 3 years to agree to having an independent valuation of the shares and then a further 6 months to agree who would be allowed to do the valuation. Finally got the valuation through and went to Mediation and he didn't agree the independent valuers valuation. We are now likely to have a final hearing (I think) in February to resolve everything. I really hope so because it is like living in limbo! My ex is ridiculous, despite having an affair with a girl almost half his age who he is now engaged to he blames me for every problem in his life. It is all my fault it has taken so long and cost so much in fees despite the fact that he is the one who has been hiding information and refusing to produce things all along. I have become inured to his behaviour now, thankfully I had counselling when we first separated and it has worked wonders with my ability to think 'fuck it' everytime I have to deal with him rather than getting upset and anxious which was what used to happen.

Nowthefunbegins · 15/12/2020 09:34

My counselling starts today. I’m nervous about it, I think I’m going to be starting to properly acknowledge the abusive behaviour I was subjected to. Never violent, but using words to make be feel that I was being unreasonable - objecting to me asking him not to leave porn sites open on the family computer, saying I was an embarrassment when I wasn’t a social butterfly when we went out with his friends, objecting to him getting blind drunk every weekend, to the point where he was sometimes hospitalised - this was seen as a great laugh.
He’s now started sending me emails, definitely written by someone else, which to the outside world look completely reasonable. They’re not though, there’s an undercurrent of menace that’s just for me

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