I can’t see the wood for the trees.

[Unsurekitten84]

I feel so hopelessly stuck. I’m really unhappy and have been for a long time, but at the moment the dc and dh are happy and it feels incredibly selfish to consider breaking up a family when 75% of it are ok.

I have 2 DC. Aged 5 and 12.
I’m 36, been married 16 years. Dh is 10 years my senior.
I knew when I got married that it wasn’t ‘right’ but for various reasons I settled. I know that’s my fault but in my defence I was extremely young and dh was very keen to get married.
We’ve never had much of a sex life. We didn’t have sex on our honeymoon. We go years and years without sex and it feels weird to even think about kissing dh now.
Dh has never been invested really in family life - he carried on going to golf every Saturday and three evenings a week over the summer. On Sundays he’s never been out of bed early and pre lockdown would then go and see his mum / brother.
He has never - not once - made dinner, ironed anything, dressed the children, changed a nappy, done a single bathtime, taken the dc anywhere on his own. He’s done bedtime for my youngest twice since she was born.
He massively outearns me and I have no say in the finances.
He takes no interest in a long term medical condition I have, none at all. I get it’s boring and he can’t take it from me but nights I’ve been up all night he’s never said - you stay in bed and have a rest. It’s always me up with the children.
He has on occasion said no to me doing things that I think are reasonable - largely if it’s involved him having the dc on his own.

But I’d probably put up with all of that for the sake of the dc if I hadn’t realised - gradually over time - that I’m probably gay. It’s not a case that I went into the marriage knowing this. My parents are very openly homophobic and it just wasn’t an option for me - I have pushed it back and pushed it back and suddenly I can’t. I know it sounds ridiculous and people will probably feel sorry for dh because I’ve lied to him - but I didn’t lie. I didn’t know. I cannot explain it any further than that. However part of me feels it’s just too late, I made my choices, now I’ve just got to live with them.

I don’t know what to do and during lockdown it’s been impossible to get any space from the situation. I don’t want to damage my dc irrevocably through being selfish. I want to leave but I am scared. I have been so unhappy that at times I’ve self harmed and I’ve taken anti depressants on and off. It’s miserable - I don’t want to inflict that level of misery on anyone else. I want my dc to be ok. I feel awful that this is all my fault. I know what I want but at this point in my life does it even matter what I want anymore?

Yes. Absolutely it matters what you want. You're so young with years of happiness ahead of you. But you need to create that happiness.

See a solicitor. Make plans. Then leave him - the children will adjust and they deserve to have a happy and fulfilled Mum.

Your sexuality aside, this isn't a partnership. He gets all the 'perks' of having a wife/cook/housekeeper/live in nanny, whilst contributing precisely zero. Zero affection, kindness, compassion or effort. He is having his cake and every other metaphor for all take and no give.

No sex for years is not ok and shows complete apathy on his part and lack of attraction towards him on yours.

Please leave. You don't have to come our yet if you're. It ready. Leave because he is a selfish bastard who has treated you disgracefully and you are still so young with so much life to live.

The DC will be sad initially, but not as long term sad as they would be with an unhappy and broken Mum.

I don't feel qualified to advise you Kitten, on how to go about exploring your sexuality.
However sexuality aside, your relationship doesn't sound a partnership of equals or a happy one. That alone would be enough to leave. His behaviour based on the brief information you provide sounds abusive - you have no control over money, he controls your activities, presumably outside the home. These 2 things along are justification for separating.

I'm sure others will be along soon for you point you in the right direction - I just didn't want you feel your re-evaluation of your marriage was in way was wrong. It sounds an unhappy place to be

That I am gay muddies the waters for me.
I think were I not then I’d just stay. But if I stay then I’m basically saying I will never have sex willingly again, not great for me or for dh. However he doesn’t seem that fussed anyway. I feel very young to be saying I will never have sex again (it’s already been years) but then I’ve just read a thread on here where the OP was advised that sex wasn’t everything in the face of keeping the family together.

I am in no position to advise but, like pp said, you sound like the paid help, not a wife. You're still young and could have a fulfilling life ahead of you. I couldn't stay in a marriage like that.

I suppose what I want to be able to work out is if it’s bad enough for me to leave whether I am gay or not.
Because if it’s just that I am gay, it feels very very selfish.

Imo you're confused about selfish.

Being the best you which you can be , teaches your children how to be the best they can be.

Being happy, teaches them how to be happy

Being strong and fighting for what's right for you, teaches them how to make a great life for themselves

Standing up for yourself .... teaches them .....(you get the picture)

Being gay doesn't muddy the waters. Being gay IS who you are. So live your life as you are, being the best you can be , finding happiness for you - and you become the perfect teacher

I'm not sure who gave you your current values ....but with respect, they were wrong - and if you look at you now and see how unhappy you are (because you are not living authentically) then, imo, that proves my point

The problem is that my living authentically hurts other people. I feel the time for this was in my teens. I did try and tell my mum I thought I might be but she reacted with such anger that I felt I had no choice but to ignore my sexuality. I mean I did, if I’d been braver I wouldn’t be in this situation now, but I was only about 16 at the time and I just wasn’t tough enough. I kick myself now.

Your children will be sad for a while, yes. But not for long and you can easily show them how wonderful having two homes is.

My daughter is adamant that the divorce between me and her dad was the best thing that happened

Children need love and to know they are safe and secure

All that is doable through and after a divorce

The primary focus of the separation shouldn't be about you being gay, it's about him being a useless partner from day 1. He lied to
You about what marriage would entail for the both of you also.

You say you'd stay if it wasn't for being gay but I think that's a red herring. Straight or gay your marriage is awful and you should leave.

My mum stayed with my dad 'for the kids' and I was very aware of things being wrong. I wish they'd separated.

Find the strength op abs then I think you'll find yourself.

I had a similar marriage and went into it in a similar way. I was young and I settled. Don't worry about how you got there - take this as day one and work out the best next step.

I left a few years ago and I haven't looked back.

I am with someone I love and who adores me. We have "blended" our families and I am excited about the future.

You have one life and you cannot live it like this. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to experience your true sexuality.

Good luck

Staying will give your dc a very skewed outlook on relationships...
You are effectively a housekeeper /nanny.
He isn't even a decent df to them.

I doubt many people would be happy in the marriage you describe, gay or not OP. I think you need to separate the two issues out, leave your husband because he contributes nothing and you're unhappy and then you can explore the sexuality issue with a clear conscience.

Oh gosh I feel for you. My situation is different but similar on some levels. I'm about a month away from telling my DH I want a divorce. It's taken months of wrangling with my own thoughts and doubts to realise that my own happiness is more important than whatever version of a life DH thinks we have. I've been unhappy for years, PND, depression, anxiety, total loss of self-esteem and independence.
I just could not entertain the idea of living like that for another 2 years, never mind 10 (when my DC will be adults).

Your DC will hopefully respect you more for leaving a miserable marriage; you will be teaching them valuable lessons about boundaries, priorities, what's acceptable within relationships etc. Anyone who doesn't support your views on this will just have to lump it. When you look back in 10 years, will you be happy with the decisions you made now? That's what's keeping me focussed on my own journey right now.

It’s so hard because my dc are doing well. They are both settled and doing well at school. They are confident and sociable and happy.
I worry that this will undermine all that and part of me feels I’ve had my shot, I had my chance to come out when I was younger. Should I really ruin their lives for the sake of myself? I’m a bit - I’ve had my time.

The fact your DC are doing well is down to you being a good parent. You will not undermine any of that by making a decision to be happy. It's so hard though making the decision; in my case I'm in daily turmoil but I know 100% it's the right thing to do.

Your 'time' is the next 60 years

And take all this in stages

1. End the marriage because it's awful, DH isn't right for you, you're unhappy in the marriage etc

1. Once that's done, think about your sexuality and where you want to go with that. Have some counselling, talk it through with people who can help

We don't get one chance in this life. We get many many chances. Take this one

OP, I have just posted on your other thread. I deliberately didn't search for this one first as I didn't want to be influenced.

I just want to send you the biggest .

When you say 75% of the people in your family are happy, I would gently suggest that this is not true. I suspect that nobody is happy. Your children will know that something is very badly wrong. Your husband can't possibly be happy, and he doesn't make you happy.

Yes, it would be selfish to "put your happiness above everyone else's". However, that's not what you would be doing. Children know far more than we realise. My youngest asked me about three years before XH and I split up whether we were going to get divorced, because we didn't like each other. I thought we had been hiding it.

So far as your sexuality is concerned: it is deeply saddening to read about your parents' response to your previous attempt to discuss it. One of my children is gay, and even their ultra-conservative grandparents shrugged and said "whatever".

Good luck.

Your husband sounds awful and no you haven't had your time. Your children deserve to have a happy, fulfilled mum who doesn't end up looking back on her life with regret. What a waste that would be. You're still very young. Take the step to claim back your life - the life you deserve.

Have you ever had the thought that your husband might be in the same situation as you.
You will never be at peace if you stay in this marriage it’s not actually a marriage.
Somehow I just feel you’ve been had.
Get as much advice from appropriate sources.
Start planning preparing building up your confidence.

Oh OP this is so sad. You deserve to be happy, it's not selfish at all and this is no way to live. Sending lots of luck, whatever you decide.

Oh OP, please love yourself more, you deserve more.

I am so frightened of breaking my family up although I think my hand is being forced, but I know no matter how upset the children are initially, they need to see happy parents.

Are your children seeing happy parents that love each other? You have one life, and of course you haven't missed your chance because you didn't come out as a child.

Deal with your marriage first, sexuality later. You're used to not having any power in your family unit and it's up to you to start taking it back.

Sending love xxx

The mum of a friend of mine left her dad after 3 children in her 50s. She came out as gay, met someone, and recently got married. She’s 60 now and blissfully happy. She has commented to me that she feels lucky that she’s met her partner and potentially could have 30-odd years of being happy into old age and that it made up for the previous 30 years of being in an unhappy heterosexual relationship because she was scared of upsetting people/breaking up her family etc etc

You’re only 36. It is never ever too late in life to make a decision that makes you happy. Sexuality aside, the ‘marriage’ you’re in is absolutely terrible at any rate. You talk about upsetting the DCs etc but it doesn’t sound like their dad is much involved in their lives anyway- would they really miss much if you did get divorced?

I can’t see a way out. I am a 2nd year uni student and divorce started nearly 2 years ago. Final hearing in February. He won’t agree on anything, has accumulated hmrc debt through tax fraud, refuses to move out, kids now listed as child in need because of the home environment and he is so abusive towards me. Makes life miserable living with door locked etc. He drives expensive car costing £600 a month and earns 3600 he says he can’t afford my £20 phone bill or £20 printer bill or £10 now tv. And is cancelled the only leisure we have which is gym at £215 a month. He is taking a huge loan to pay his tax debt. That if I don’t agree to cancel gym and other things he will remove his salary from joint account and only pay ‘bills’. I am a full time student with student loans. He sends me £130 a week for EVERYTHING for me and kids. Though gives himself a 360 budget for fuel and his ‘personal’ budget. I have sought legal advice but not sure what to do, assets 310,000 as he has disposed of £140,000 already. Says he wants another 60 now and then 30-% as a charge back. There are no properties for £250k in the expensive area we live. I will earn 26k once graduated that is take hole 19k plus I will have all childcare as he wants to never pick up or drop off. Kids are young 6&9. He doesnt want to pay any maintenance. He doesn’t seem to understand that the kids and I won’t be able to survive without more of the assets and maintenance. He will be earning 3x what I do with no childcare costs during week. I will be lumbered with everything. Any advice? Uni is in expensive area, need to live near there as really intensive course and have 3 more years to go, not possible to live in cheaper area and commute due to all childcare responsibility falling on me. Loosing the will. Help