Applying as respondent

[AnnetteCurtainPeeper]

Hello,

I have posted about this previously on legal, but some more things have come to light since and thought I'd try here.

Ex and I were married in July 2010 and separated January 2013. We have a son together. Ex is emotionally abusive.

He applied for a divorce in early 2015 on a 2 year separation basis. Because I am stupid I didn't check he got the absolute and so i didn't realise until my fiancé proposed this year that I am still married.

A long story short, ex finally signed the paperwork needed and a Nisi was pronounced in July. I was given the advice to obtain a consent order. My family are wealthy and he is unemployed. He is refusing to sign this.

He is now refusing to apply for an absolute as he does not want to negate any claim he can make against me in the future.

We have a court order in regards to my son, they see each other regularly (eow and one day a week).

I am desperate to be divorced, and my solicitor has advised that I apply for an absolute as the respondent. This means there will have to be a hearing and I will have to pay for the application to the court. From doing some googling this evening my concerns are that a judge will not sign this off as we do not have a consent order. I will talk to him about this on

Has anyone else ever been in a similar position? Or have any advise?

@AnnetteCurtainPeeper my partners ex wife applied for decree nisi which was granted in January so he was the respondent. She never applied for the absolute so he applied at the end of may. It did go to a hearing and she tried everything to stop it as there was no financial order in place, sent a letter to the court basically saying what a bastard he was blah blah, he was on the phone (COVID meant the hearing was a dial in) 5 mins and granted the absolute. He paid full cost to take it to the hearing

You may get the absolute granted
However, be aware that until
You have final consent sent order he can make a financial claim against you at any point - even if this is 20 years down the line
You must get a final consent sent order in place !

@bbd72 that's interesting!! After a bit of research I can see that you've got to have extremely good reason to stop an absolute going through as too many petitioners use it as a way to control the situation and have more leverage for negotiating financial matters.

@millymollymoomoo he is refusing to sign anything to do with finances. He has asked me to 'give him an offer' - after some 1am googling it looks like it is down to the petitioner to put forward what they actually want financially. He's not doing that, just saying that he wants to be able to claim against me in the future and so will not sign anything. It's a control thing. I cannot afford to take him to court over this. He doesn't work and is signed off for severe mental health issues, I work and am worried this means I will have to pay him a spousal maintenance. We are looking at putting everything in my mums name so I have no assets that he can go for anyway. I myself am not wealthy, but when my mother passes away we will come into a substantial inheritance that will be tied up in property.

You will have to get your solicitor to get it to court for a financial hearing - otherwise you won’t be free of him

It’s highly highly unlikely you’ll have to pay maintenance
You were only married 3 years. Who looks after your son? Where dues he reside
You can’t afford not to take this to court I’m afraid

You really need to get rid of this in its entirety- both the decree absolute and the consent order.

He can try and block your application for a decree absolute by saying it prejudices his financial claims if you get it.

Has he put a home rights notice on your house (if you have one)?

I had a similar experience with a cocklodger refusing to go away and trying his luck to get money out of me (despite no dcs/joint finances) because my family have money.

You might not be able to afford to take it to court but if you call his bluff and (threaten to) issue proceedings as a litigant in person, where he will then be faced with taking on a massive legal battle on his own, I think you will find he changes his tune very quickly.

My exH though it was brilliant he had something over me until he realised he was faced with conducting a lengthy court battle without any help.

@millymollymoomoo I have just been through a lengthy court battle in regards to my son. It has cost me 40 grand and I quite literally have no money whatsoever to take him to court.

We did not own our home at the time, we rented a flat. I have since moved on, met my fiance, had another child and bought a house.

I am resident parent, my son sees my ex every other weekend and once a week.

@DK123 I have read that it is only in very rare circumstances that a judge will not grant an absolute.

I have offered to my ex that I will not pursue him for child maintenance if he signs the consent order. He has a deadline of tomorrow to reply and confirm what he wants to do. If he refuses then there is really nothing at all that I can do - I cannot go into more debt to pay for another court hearing.

I am wondering what will be ahead of me if I take my ex to court as a litigant in person. My mental health is at an all time low, I have lost two family members this year, I just can't face a battle.

Op - I couldn't have faced a court battle either but your STBXH won't be able to either. Mine was very happy to posture when he thought it was a case of me not being able to fork out the money to take him to court but when he realised he might have to do something himself, he backed out.

I'd tell him you'll take it on as a litigant in person as you're sick of it all and see what he says.

I don't know how difficult it is to persuade a judge not to grant a decree absolute, all I know is that if someone can show it could prejudice their settlement, they can get it stopped.

I know you just want to be divorced so you can move on with life but you really need that consent order. You don't want the bastard coming out of the woodwork begging for money when you're dealing with the grief that comes with an inheritance.

If you dont get the consent order you will bitterly regret it. Self rep if you need to, but get it.

Thankyou @DK123. My worry is that he will call my bluff. He received legal aid for our recent custody battle, and I am worried that he will receive this again and I will be a litigant in person vs a barrister.

When we separated we had only been married for 2.5 years, I was in a ton of debt from our wedding, we rented a flat and we had pretty much nothing. He actually received an inheritance of 30k after he left that I know lasted all of 5 minutes.

I was in a terrible place back then, but have built my life up from the ground since, whilst his life went downhill. It seems so bitterly unfair that he would have any right at all to anything I have worked so hard to earn when we haven't even been together. He has often remarked to me that I have everything and he has nothing.

Thank you very much everyone for your help so far

Sorry but I can not get over that it cost you 40K to sort custody. You do need to get this sorted as soon as possible. I'd be inclined to borrow from family if need (as you are protecting inheritance). Surely, he needs to see sense that he has had 30K in inheritance and spent it and in theory you could say that if he doesn't sign you will go to court for your share (even though he has spent it) as he somehow think he is entitled to what you don't even have yet. Sorry but his thinking is just madness.

OP - your situation sounds very similar to mine in a lot of ways.

I very much doubt theres any way he'd get legal aid to get a financial settlement from you. I don't think it applies to that, only child stuff.

I don't want to share too many details on the open forum but please feel free to DM me. It's a horrible situation to be in and I know what it's like to be stuck with a cocklodging chancer who won't completely go away

@PurpleMustang I 100% appreciate that this needs to be sorted - I borrowed the 40k from my family and absolutely cannot borrow more. My only option would be to apply as litigant in person. He has used his poor mental health as a smoke screen and said that he finds the whole process extremely confusing and distressing, and that he does not wish to sign away anything that would be owed to him in the future. My father passed away two years ago, I have no doubt at all that he thinks I am rolling in it. I am not, my inheritance is all in trust and most of what he left quite rightly went to my mum.

I was not aware that that was a high amount for a child custody case - my barrister was absolutely fantastic though. Solicitor less so but there we go.

do not get divorced without the consent order.
do not.
you can self rep, the judges take pity....but do not apply for your divorce!
hopefully the thought of no maintenance will help him to sign though.....
fingers crossed

@justanotherkid I'm not sure what I have to lose by applying for the absolute before finances are sorted - surely it's better for me that we are officially divorced as I am the only one with any assets?

You cannot write off a claim for child maintenance as part of the negotiation - it’s for the child and written into legislation that this is not possible. You cant therefore offer not to claim child maintenance for a clean break. If you do this, get a consent order, you can still go to the child maintenance service (or whoever they call themselves these days!)

You, as the Respondent, can make an financial offer to the Petitioner. You must be absolutely desperate to get divorced, but try to protect yourself financially and try to reach a deal. If not, make a application to the court, if you have nothing (and all your assets are accumulated after separation, this will be taken into consideration)

If he gets legal aid, he will have to pay his legal fees if he gets over £6k (I think) This includes his fees for the children act case and therefore perhaps have this in mind when / if you decide to make an offer. The judge will also have this in mind if you put it before them to make a decision in relation to financial matters.

you need to ends ties financially before you divorce, it will become way more complicated to do it after.
not to be unkind as it was prob your low place, but it would have been so much better to do this before you set up house with your new man, you have more assets now and your ex may chase you for them, its not fair but he can.
the sooner you get this done the better.
make him an offer, convince him to sign (as you are trying), if not apply now to go to court, self-rep - it isn't too difficult
then divorce.

you also can't just put all your assets in your mums name....if you go to court your finances from when you split up will be looked at, your joint assets as it were.

maybe paying a few hundred for mediation would be a better option x

Christ OP, what did you spend the £40k on?

OP. I don't mean to seem overbearing but you absolutely need that consent order, not just the decree absolute. It's not really a proper divorce without the finances being finished off too.
I honestly think you need to tell him you want it finished one way or another and it's up to him to negotiate/discuss properly or he's going to be faced with a lot of paperwork and a long court battle. He won't be prepared to do it (just like you're not) and he will pack it in. Like my exH, he's a mixture of (a) a gold digger and (b) wants something to hold over you. You need to take the power out of his hands by telling him you're starting proceedings unless he cooperates.

@Crazycatlady83 my solicitor had agreed that I can use the CMS as negotiation - a letter has been sent so it's out of my hands now really. His deadline to reply is by tomorrow.

Also in a reply to his email requesting an 'offer' I sent a letter via the solicitor two weeks ago I refused to offer a lump sum - 1) I wouldn't even know where to start with how much to give him 2) I thought it was outrageous that he is essentially bribing me.

Perhaps I was naive. I'm not sure how I can turn around now and say, oh no wait I've changed my mind ok I'll give you a grand to sign it without looking like I've got something to hide.

@DK123 thanks again. I'm going to have a chat my solicitor first thing tomorrow. I do feel concerned that he doesn't see any urgency at all in the consent order and hasn't advised me to take ex to court over finances. He actually talked me out of it, saying it would be expensive and we can't be sure of the outcome.

I am in such a muddle

@justanotherkid I am kicking myself, believe me

@rottiemum88 is this an unusually high amount? We have had a lot of solicitor letters go back and forth, and my barrister was very very expensive

OP good luck with your solicitor tomorrow. Just bear in mind that although a decent responsible solicitor would not encourage someone not to worry too much about getting a consent order, some solicitors may seem more disinterested if you've made it clear you can't afford to pay them to do the work to get it.

The problem you have with that tacit is that it cannot be incorporated in any consent order. And If your husband gets legal advice (or just does some simple googling!) they will tell him that it’s simply not possible.

Has your solicitor thought of offering a clean break on the basis that if he seeks to recover anything, he will have to pay the statutory charge in respect of his legal fees - this may have more legs?

Good luck, sounds like a difficult position you are in

Thank you everyone.

@Crazycatlady83 I have not heard of this, and don't full understand what it means? I assumed if we had a clean break order my ex wouldn't be able to recover anything? (Sorry a lot of this goes over my head)