How much is too much for love to be enough?

[B3ckyr]

I'm 26. I've been with my partner 10years, we have a 2y/o son. We're engaged, would have been married by now if not for covid.
There's all kinds of niggles in the relationship that everyone has, not pulling his full weight housework and child wise, not giving me the romantic attention I'd like, maybe being too complacent because we've been together so long, etc. Those aren't the worst things in the world. But not being able to talk to him about improving them without him getting a depression hit and turning it on himself so I feel I have to Molly coddle and cajole him and say it's ok when it's not, makes life very hard.
His mental health has never been good the whole time we've been together, he lost his grandfather who he was very close to, a few months before we started going out, he was depressed, self harmed, I convinced him to see a Dr, but because he was a teenager the Dr fobbed him off and did nothing. Because of that I've spent ten years on and off trying to get him to do something about his mental health, depression, self esteem, resilience, stress coping skills, and he won't because he either doesn't trust them to take him seriously and do anything about it, or he has the belief that this is just his life and how he's meant to feel.
I love him, SO much, but when I'm not getting the type of romantic input (not just sex, I mean sensual loving stuff) I feel I need, and I'm having to take all the slack house wise, finance wise, child wise, being his only source of therapy and support, even though I'm going through some back shit with my own work stuff that's affecting my mental health, it's hard.
I've never considered leaving him, in fact I'm terrified to because if he lost me I don't think he'd cope, in the last two weeks I've had two nightmares, one about him talking about killing himself, and last night one where he actually overdosed in the dream. But when does it become too much? I'm a carer, I always sort other people out before me and even at a detriment to myself sometimes, so I have not idea where that line is, when do I say this is enough? How could I possibly justify leaving him and risking my nightmares coming true, alongside all the other heartache of losing the love and connection I have with his family, giving my son a split household, etc.
And yet, how long can I keep doing this when it's impacting my mental health?

@B3ckyr, so sorry to see that you're having such a rough time.

Yu don't mentioned any family or friends. Do YOU have any one who you can talk to and possibly help you with your partner? You need to offload to.

Do you think you could arrange for someone to look after you little one and then you and your partner can talk about things??

Hope this helps, take care

Quite honestly it isn't ok for someone to behave like this and then refuse to get help in all this time. Its a form of abuse.
You should give him an ultimatum and mean it.
Either get help and see a doctor or i'm leaving and mean it.
It is not ok for you to put up with this for the rest of your life.
You are NOT responsible for someone committing suicide and eventually you will have a breakdown - take it from me, I know.

Thank you for your support. It's very hard to offload to this level to anyone I know because they all know him too (we have a lot of joint friends and I don't want to impact their relationship with him) and the one friend I have who was usually a sounding board in the past, we've grown apart (but she'd probably be pretty harsh anyway she's a very no nonsense type person)
When our son has been asleep I've tried to start conversations about it, it leads to him feeling low and beating himself up. Last night he was very low. Today he still is, he's texting from work, he's even saying things like that I should leave and be with someone else, but I can't take that at face value because he's really low. Thank you for the suggestion though, I can't deny a further attempt at conversation is needed, I just know it won't end happily 😔

@madcatladyforever I know it's not okay for me to have to be doing this but surely to some extent that's what you do for your partner you hold them up when they can't stand. I just don't know when is reasonable to stop holding before I can't stand.
Your ultimatum comment is similar to something someone else has said to me, but it's the meaning it bit and the fallout and what will happen if I cause all that upheaval that terrifies me. I don't know if I can mean it. I don't know if I could commit to leaving, ten years is so much to walk away from.

These are not "niggles" and they most certainly are not how "everyone" lives.

Failing to value or care for yourself is not a good or desirable thing. Nor is spending your life trying to rescue other people while you drown without even trying to rescue yourself.

No good will come of staying in an unhealthy relationship because you've appointed yourself rescuer of the other person.

You are not a therapist. You were not a therapist as a sixteen year old and you are not a therapist now. If anything you probably would benefit from working with one yourself to address your self-neglect and relational style.

Agree with the comments on this sounding like a potentially abusive situation, but either way it's damaging.

Relationships are not investments. The last ten years are in the past whether you stay or go.

If you stay, those ten years will not alleviate how much damage is occurring in the present.

If you leave, those ten years will still have been part of your life and the memories will be as accessible as they are now. They won't all be erased.

What about the impact on your son of living in this environment? Of your failure to care for yourself leaving him without either parent capable of looking after him adequately (emotionally and physically)?

It's natural to find it hard to let go of your first adult relationship. Doesn't mean it's correct to cling onto it. Loss is a normal, survivable part of life.

Don't stay in a bad, damaging situation today because ten years ago it was good.

I dealt with this for probably 15 or so years of my 20+ year marriage. It made me ill in the end and I still have ptsd as a result. @madcatladyforever has it right - you are not responsible for him or his actions. You will likely become ill yourself and you have a child to think of too. He needs to get help and you need to speak with him about that and about what will happen if he won’t - you would need to leave - you can’t keep living like this.