Staying in home in leau of maintenance

[Cherrytreepuddle]

Has anyone got any advice please?

DP and I are separating due to his drinking.

We have a nice family home, dc settled in school etc. If I were to leave the home I'd need to move out of area due to house prices, and possibly closer to family for childcare (I'm a nurse, dp works away sometimes, only about half an hour away, but major upheaval for dc).

My suggestion is that I stay in the home with DC, and DP pays mortgage in leau of maintenance (both are roughly £800 a month). DP then keeps an interest in the house, so continues to enjoy any equity rises etc.

With my wages and some UC I could cover everything else and the dc would remain mostly settled, dp would have unlimited access within reason.

Does this seem workable, or have I missed anything? I'm not sure what out "exit plan" would be from this arrangement, but we could look at it in a few years maybe, who knows.

Thanks in advance

Why not get the maintenance and pay the mortgage with it?

You could take him to the CMS at anytime for maintenance so not paying could make him vulnerable. It would be safer for both of you to do the above. He wouldn't get the equity realised after his move.

Is he liny to agree to that?

That’s not workable for him
Even if sgreee you could still make cms claim and he’d be screwed
His solicitor would reject that proposal
Are you married as you refer to dp not dh?
How do you own the home? Joint owners ?

Thanks for the answers, we aren't married no, but jointly own the home. I'm not sure we'll need solicitors if we can make an agreement.

I wouldn't be able to raise enough of a mortgage to buy him out, or even to take on the existing loan probably, so thought that by him keeping an interest in the home we are both keeping a foot on the ladder.

I obviously would not look for CMS knowing that he is paying the mortgage, that would be foolish on my part surely. We could have a written agreement stating our private arrangement to cover him for any liability.

If you can’t afford to buy him out and or take over the mortgage you’ll most likely need to consider selling
Have you discussed any of this with him ?

It is really unwise to even try to forgo maintenance in lieu of mortgage- everyone will advise him not to do that

One problem is that if he's tied to the mortgage on the house, he's stuck being unable to get another one for the duration of it. Unless you can buy him out and have a mortgage just in your name, you'll have to sell and split the equity.

I know a couple who (many years ago) agreed amicably to the husband signing over more of his share of the house in exchange for not being on the hook for maintenance.

I understand that his solicitor did indeed advise against it but they did it anyway for the benefit of the children and because he trusted her.l to honour their agreement.

As it happens, the wife was a very moral person who considered herself bound by her word even if technically she could have access him over later down the line. It all worked out fine, but it would take a lot of trust, I think.

Im in a similar postion to you except our mortgage is solely in my husbands name due to my poor credit history. He pays the mortgage and i do the utilities. His answer is for him to leave and the kids and I to stay in the house. I wouldn't ask him to pay any maintenance if he was willing to house us and he knows it.

Hang on, if you split the care of the children 50:50 surely there won’t be any maintenance payable? How will be get another mortgage? Seems a bit unfair...

@Temporaryanonymity it would be more like 90 / 10 childcare for overnight.

Thanks for all the replies, maybe I've come up with a solution, he could bank transfer me the cms maintenance level, and I could transfer back an amount titled "mortgage" or suchlike.

The aim of keeping the house is so that the dc can remain in the same school, we are both keen for this. He would be tied to the mortgage yes, I don't know what the answer is to this other than him renting for a bit whilst still enjoying his interest in the house.... I imagine it'll rise in value as much as 2 small flats / houses ifswim so he'd keep his foot on the ladder.

It would no doubt become problematic if one of us meets someone else and wants to be released, but for the moment it's the only solution I can fathom.

I don’t understand what’s in it for your exh? If he buys his own house he’ll still benefit from the sale proceeds but also be in control of that asset. Why would he want a sitting tenant in his main asset? You might be amicable now but it could soon turn sour.

You say the aim is to keep the DC in school? That seems a bit of a red herring. They’ll be other houses in the catchment area

@lyingdogslie1 yes of course there are houses, but I very likely won't be able to get a mortgage on one, it's quite expensive where we live. I'm a part time nurse, so not a huge earner.
If I'm to go through the upheaval of moving it will be closer to my family to enable me to work more hours.
Ultimately though you're right, it's not sustainable long term is it? Although I think he'd happily do it short term as he's the one who has clocked everything up by being unable to resist drinking too much .

I think you’d be delaying the inevitable, it will only get harder as his guilt wears off. People change when it’s money.

I wouldnt rely on a problem drinker to keep his job and continue to pay. Take a settlement now, whilst it's going, and ensure you obtain a clean break so he and his creditors can't come after you later.

If your kids are already in the school, you should be able to move and keep them there.

Does he have pensions?

Pensions are irrelevant as they’re not married

@PicsInRed

I wouldnt rely on a problem drinker to keep his job and continue to pay. Take a settlement now, whilst it's going, and ensure you obtain a clean break so he and his creditors can't come after you later.

If your kids are already in the school, you should be able to move and keep them there.

Does he have pensions?

This advice is really important. My XH became bankrupt after our divorce as he made many bad decisions including heavy drinking. I often had bailiffs turning up on my doorstep.

You are absolutely right, I hadn't thought about the long term viability of his job, I imagine when the family splits he'll have no reason to keep a lid on things and will eventually drop the ball.
I'm not too worried about pensions as I have been building up an NHS pension for years, and will probably continue to do so until retirement.
I'd be moving about 40 minutes away probably, so keeping the dc in school would just be unrealistic, I should just rip the plaster off now probably.

Can you increase your hours to be able to afford more?

He needs to be doing both

@morningninja probably not if I stay in the town we're in now as I'd need some help from family, it's hard to find childcare that's works around shift work.
@missbpolar doing both of what sorry?

Could you use your ex for more childcare? Speak to your manager for flexible working?

I ask this because it was working full time, with flexible working (I'm a public sector shift worker) that got me my independence quicker. The feeling of owning my own four walls was amazing.

How old are your DC?

@morningninja thanks for the suggestions, I think you're right, more hours is an obvious answer. Can't rely on dp as he travels extensively with work, so nothing would be set in stone. Dc are primary age.