Help. Separation - Getting Cold Feet - Is this Normal!

[Mummykins54]

Some of you may have seen my other thread re my husband with holding pension details.

Things are very stressful right now - married 23 years together for 27 - mutually agreed to separate but I initiated it. Have been emotionally
controlled for years and had to endure countless bad moods/temper tantrums. He doesn't talk just shouts when you try to have a discussion. My friends think that if I hadn't initiated it then my husband would never have done anything either. Anyway, I have taken control and started proceedings.

We are living at home - he refuses to speak to me - even regarding our two older teenagers - that has been over 3 months now and frankly tonight I have hit a wall. Beginning to wish I had never started this even though I know the relationship is unhealthy and he has displayed behaviour that has shocked me to the core. My friends call me "conditioned" and they are right.

I think we have been together so long I am just worried about starting over and he is making things so difficult when it doesn't need to be.

Can anyone give me a boost and tell me that it is ok and natural to feel this way?

I can totally relate,it's like dealing with a toddler.
I separated last August after 18 years of marriage due to similar treatment and DV.We have 4DCs and I took me 5 years to prepare myself mentally to make the move.
Luckily,he was arrested and I went to court and was granted Non Mol and Occupation Orders.The property was rented and in my name so it was easy bit to make sure we are safe and he is not allowed back.
Since the separation,he still behaves like a victim,didn't make any arrangements to secure contact with children,did not pay a penny towards supporting the children, breached the orders several times,found new girl pretty much straight away and using her to intimidate me and send threats.It's still pretty much a nightmare but I feel much stronger and happier and just learned to deal with him like you deal with tantruming toddler,just smile and ignore.

Op just think ahead to how utterly wonderful it will be to be free of him. No more moods to deal with. You'll have complete freedom to do what you like. Well done for starting proceedings. Baby steps

I remember that panicky feeling. The fear that things would be worse rather than better. How wrong I was. After the initial doubts I realised that his emotional abuse was still echoing around my head, but that I no longer had to listen to it. It's a scary step, but a liberating and confidence boosting one. I wish you strength for now and happiness for your future. 💐

It's far from unusual feeling this way, however feeling desperately sad doesn't mean that you made the wrong decision.

I'm in a similar situation and doing Freedom Programme which really helps to deal with stuff like that. I also read a book Six Pillars of Self Esteem, and that helped too.

Trusting yourself after an abusive relationship is hard. It's a process and it takes time. For now make sure you are well supported so that the voices of your friends outweigh the voice of your self doubt. In time you will stand on your own feet and will learn to do this yourself.

Just keep imagining how wonderful it will feel when he's gone. That's what I'm doing. Even the tiny things he does that irritate me, I use those and think "I won't have to put up with that soon".

It will be worth it.

Hi op, just wondering how you are feeling now ? I am feeling the same, it’s taken me 3 months to sort the petition out and now it’s ready to go I have suddenly started feeling desperately worried and sad , mostly that the kids will suffer . Things have been bad since COVID re finances and we are going into debt . It’s so hard . Do I hold off on petition ? Or is this a massive wobble

Same here @Worried1981 and I'm going ahead despite the wobbles. I'd say keep talking to your support group whoever that is. I had counselling (through work), three trusted friends and my mum to talk to. When you voice and explore your feelings it helps clarity and it helps to separate the inevitable grief/sadness from the arguments for/against divorce.

In the early stages I also found the book 'Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay' very helpful. Maybe try that? It goes through every possible eventuality of how these things might unfold and helps you to gain confidence in your decision, whatever you choose.

When you’re going through hell keep walking!! You’ve probably made the greatest progress already, making that first step and adapting to the idea of not being with this ogre. Keep strong for yourself and your kids - they need to be away from him too.

Thank you ladies. The book sounds good.

I know I need to be free of him but after 27 years. His behavior since initiating the split has been nothing short of cruel and I actually wonder what kind of man I have married.

Having cancelled our life insurance without my knowledge, I am wondering what he will do next.

I have a great friend group and they are supportive. Just need to keep telling myself it will all be worth it in the end.