Nesting - am I mad to consider ?

[chickenfried]

Has anybody tried this concept of "nesting " ie you keep the family home, and rent a second studio / one bed which you swap between ?

My partner and I need to separate, our relationship has been over for years we have just been living a massive lie.

We have a 14 year old daughter. We live in an expensive part of London and while I am prepared to move further down the line I want to keep her near her friends and school for now.

Prices mean if we split our money we can barely afford a property each - we can only get close to 2 bed flats miles from the station.

We are considering trying nesting - has anybody done it ?

Help !

I just wouldn't. It puts too much power in the hands of whoever is the bigger earner. If that person met someone else then the situation would possibly change rapidly.

Even bring up the issue of that person bringing their partner to the family home during their time there.

Or, they could suddenly want to sell with little warning. If you can afford a 2 bed flat, then I would. Can your DD travel to school? Or, is there a possibility of one of you moving to a flat until the DD leaves school?

Is the divorce amicable? If he's not will you worry about him looking through your post and stuff you leave there? Is he likely to do 100% of the cleaning and boring stuff like the food shop when he's there?

I think it could work until one of you gets a new partner but I think new partners might see it as a red flag when you live in the same property as your ex.

I think that with proper nesting there's 3 properties- the one where dc are based and cheap/smaller places where you and ex go when you're not with her.

I couldn’t do it.

Just imagine arriving to discover that you ex hasn’t changed the sheets on the bed you have to share. Or him nagging you because you left some dirty dishes in the kitchen. And so on. And on. And on.

Plus do you want to still have to be making joint decisions on decorating of furniture buying decisions with your ex? What about issues around having friends round? What if he or you starts a new relationship?

And you still have to pay for both the nest flat and somewhere else for you to live the rest of the time. Do you want to be someone’s PT lodger?

I do it and have done it for more than 2 years (Also in London) However, my ex and I get along amazingly well and there are never any arguments about money.

If you do decide to give this try remember that it will take some time for your relationship with your partner to adjust. It won’t be a quick fix. It took us about 18 months to transition through that.

The down side is that I am giving up a significant amount of privacy and independence but my kids are relatively unaffected by the split.

If you have anymore questions I’d be happy to answer them.

I also do this...did it for a couple of months before lockdown, and now since mid-July. I don't see it as a long-term solution, ideally, but like you we are in London, and paying an eye watering amount of money just for a separate one-bed flat. If we sell the family home we can't afford 2 properties (3 children) so I'm not quite sure of the long-term solution just yet. I figure that if this means less disruption for the children - staying near their friends, school etc - then I'll do it. I find it quite unsettling for myself, changing homes constantly, but then remind myself that if I had one permanent base then it would be the children feeling unsettled. Not sure we've found the ideal 50/50 pattern yet - currently doing 2/2/3 - so that may have a bearing on things. Would be interested to hear patterns that work well for others in a similar situation. The one thing I can say is that the children have adapted to it well, and that was my main aim.

Thank you so much for all your replies. I really appreciate it.

Just hearing other people's stories helps me realise this is not as bleak as it feels.
We have the added time pressure that we were mid sale of our flat - so have an offer on the table we could exchange on this week.
However like you sashamc we cant afford two properties if we split the proceeds.
Getting my daughter to travel to school would mean she moves away from all her friends from secondary and primary which I really want to avoid doing.
My partner is a kind man and it is likely to be amicable ( but like other posters say who knows )
We have not had sex for about 14 years so it really is well and truely over and we are friends and have been so for many years.
You have given me some great food for thought so thanks.

@chickenfried I’m in a similar position - likely to separate in early part of 2021 and this might be something I’d consider to minimise impact on our kids. Good to know it’s feasible according to some here. I was just thinking again about this today so it’s good timing to see this

I could not have done this. When my ex moved out he went to his parents and I had his stuff clogging up the house for months.

I wanted to tidy things up etc but all the cupboard were full of his stuff.

It wouldn't be 'your' space

I'm doing this at the moment and it's working pretty well. It's certainly a great option for the dc.

We have a two bed apartment so that we have our own space to some degree as we are both now dating.

Thanks for everyone sharing that details of how they do it (and reluctant exiters!!!) The thing that would worry me most is how intertwined our lives would continue to be. Especially if we had a one bed flat!! Just all the admin of food and house running etc. Would it just be like being married still?

Yes, I can't deny that you still have a lot of the same issues, eg. I have been in the flat this weekend and cleaned it all....came home and pretty sure no housework has been done. Tempted to leave it but I won't be able to live with it! Food shopping complicated too although we've got better at that.

@Zagziggirl thanks for sharing your routine, ours is pretty similar at the moment. I do wonder about extending it a bit to 3/4 nights for less changeovers, but think we might wait until after lockdown to try that...