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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

On going control? so confused

33 replies

Confused011 · 06/11/2020 16:54

I have been seperated for 12 months from ex dp of 15 years. Two children together 5 and 7 and I am staying in the family home. So this means he is still having to pay his half of the mortgage and I use most of the child maintenance bar £10 to pay my half. This seems a very kind offer from him. However the condition is that I cannot date while living in this house, and cannot have any male or female friends over, and definitely not a male stay the night or come round for dinner etc after the dc are in bed. He has made this very clear and wanted me to sign a written agreement which I refused but he said if he hears of anything (his brother lives next door) we will have to sell up. He said he’s not paying the mortgage for another man to come round it’s only for the kids. So this was fine 12 months ago I had no plans to date as being in a controlling relationship for 15 years had put me off men for life. But what happens if I do meet someone in the future? Will I have to sell the house? I don’t earn enough to rent, one of my DC is disabled and I only work part time. Is he being unreasonable I’m so confused. As on one hand I get to live in the family home but on the other hand I feel controlled.

OP posts:
FippertyGibbett · 06/11/2020 17:00

What does your solicitor say ?

Original poster
Confused011 · 06/11/2020 17:18

I haven’t got one. He said we could be amicable and he left the family home to sleep in a friends spare room. I feel bad as I have the house but something doesn’t feel right.

OP posts:
WillYouDoTheFandango · 06/11/2020 17:21

What a total fucker and his brother too. Get a solicitor. Start divorce proceedings. You are being controlled and you need to take it back ASAP.

Whenwillow · 06/11/2020 17:25

You really need to seek legal advice.

Nymeriastark1 · 06/11/2020 17:25

If you can't afford the mortgage on your own then you need to sell and move. He's controlling you, get legal advice.

Groundhogdayzz · 06/11/2020 17:28

It’s definitely not right, he is still pulling all the strings and if he actually did turf you out based on the fact you are dating, makes him an awful father to. You have my total sympathy as I’m in a similar situation, it’s so hard trying to keep things on an even level, trying to balance what is best for the children on all fronts.

madcow88 · 06/11/2020 17:31

Wow..... please don't continue to be so gullible and stupid and I say this in the nicest possible way! You deserve so much better, sell the house take your share and make an application for UC and stick 2 fingers up at the prick.... get a solicitor ASAP and don't agree to anything further. Please please please stop this madness now.

LemonTT · 06/11/2020 17:44

If you want to stay in the house you need to find a formal and legal route. It won’t be easy as you are not married. And it may mean you have to pay the full mortgage.

Do you have any capital in the house? Have you spoken to the council?

Topseyt · 06/11/2020 17:47

Are you married? Is your name on the deeds to the house and the mortgage as a joint owner?

You need proper legal advice and cannot afford to cut corners there. Get a solicitor. It doesn't make sense to continue allowing him this level of control now that the relationship is over. You are paying your half of the mortgage and you are living in the house. Surely he can't dictate whether you even have friends round!

He might have some leverage if you were found to be living with someone (a new partner, who should be paying their own way), but I don't really know how it works.

I do know that a neighbour of ours got caught out with that though when she moved a new partner into her house.

lovemincepies · 06/11/2020 17:52

You need a solicitor.

You ex is controlling.

Ofcourse you need a solicitor!

See someone as part of the free hour they give.

Seek help from a women organisation.

Original poster
Confused011 · 06/11/2020 19:32

We are not married, been together 15 years, both names on the deeds and the mortgage

OP posts:
Original poster
Confused011 · 06/11/2020 19:32

I can’t afford legal advice I’m not sure what to do

OP posts:
Whenwillow · 06/11/2020 20:14

Most solicitors will do a free consultation to help you get started. Also contact woman's aid.

Original poster
Confused011 · 06/11/2020 20:23

Thank you I didn’t realise women’s aid could help with things like that. I spoke to them while in the relationship and they offered me a refuse space but luckily my ex finally agreed to move out so I didn’t need to take it up. He wasn’t physically abusive just mentally abusive.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confused011 · 06/11/2020 20:23

He was very controlling but I feel like the control is carrying on

OP posts:
RandomMess · 06/11/2020 20:33

The control is carrying on!!!

With your 50% of the equity could you afford a suitable shared ownership property?? If you are unable to work you would get UC housing benefit if you are eligible towards the rented part.

Being free of him is really important and selling the house is the way to achieve it.

TheFlis12345 · 06/11/2020 20:37

He will only stay amicable as long as you do exactly what he says. The minute you show signs of finding your own way he will kick off big time.

lovemincepies · 06/11/2020 21:36

With 50 percent equity can you afford another property - it may be smaller - it may an apartment.

What is the value of properties where you live?

You can't afford NOT to have a solicitor.

Get a solicitor for strategy.

I would not recommend it but my friend had a controlling coercive controller and used lawyers for strategy and eventually had to represent it. It took her nearly 3 years to be free of him and he still occasionally does legal bullshit as part of the control.

You need to call on favours from your family and friends if you can. Could you parents help fund some legal advice? Do you know any family law lawyers?

It is great you have a job.

I am sorry you are in this scenario.

Well done for having name on property deeds.

Original poster
Confused011 · 06/11/2020 22:21

theflis12345 this is so true and I have witnessed it many times and I am still scared of this even though we have separated

OP posts:
Original poster
Confused011 · 06/11/2020 22:22

Thank you everyone I will seek a solicitor, I’m guessing I need to sell. The equity won’t be much maybe 2 years rent if I am very lucky. I have looked at shared ownership but won’t have enough to even cover a 25 percent share Sad

OP posts:
RandomMess · 06/11/2020 22:27

Once you are in rented you will likely get some housing benefit in with UC?? They do discount some savings before discounting. You could upgrade your car to something newer more efficient/reliable so anything reasonable rather than derivation of assets.

As you don't have to get divorced the sale of the house is a more straight forward process if he won't agree to sell it has to be forced through the courts. I suspect he wants you there so his brother can spy on you.

Definitely speak to WA.

Original poster
Confused011 · 06/11/2020 22:34

Thank you that is really helpful. I will call women’s aid. I feel better just writing this as I felt like I was going mad Flowers I was so brave to leave but it has been feeling lately like the nightmare is not over

OP posts:
Original poster
Confused011 · 06/11/2020 22:34

I question myself a lot as after 15 years of control I don’t even trust myself to know what way is up anymore

OP posts:
DumpedByText · 06/11/2020 22:37

If you rent you'll get help towards rent and universal credits, plus help for your disabled child.

You don't have to live like this and you deserve to be happy.

RandomMess · 06/11/2020 22:39

After 15 years control you are doing so well!

One step at a time.

Does he see the DC? Why do I suspect he comes around to the house...