Leaving children

[Redcliff]

A few weeks ago I had an emotional affair with an ex - he finished it because I was still living with my husband and children (2 boys 6 and 13) . My husband knows all about it and we are currently in marriage counselling but I don't think we are going to make it.

He has made it clear he isn't going to leave the family home and the only option I currently have is a flat a while away. But the thought of not seeing my 2 boys every day is killing me. How do people manage it? How do I explain it to them? I feel like I could stay and be unhappy or leave and also be unhappy for different reasons. How do people make such an impossible choice? I don't feel sorry for myself - I know I brought this on myself.

You don’t have to leave either
You both stay in the house while working our separation
Any solicitor will advise you not to move out and not to leave your children

Don’t leave them. It would be so damaging for them. Stay and mediate.

Do not leave your children. Do not do this. It will damage them

Move close enough, look for 50/50 care.

Different scenario here - ex-h had the affair - I have refused to move out & leave my kids.

It's been a year - and counting...

Why should he? You’re the one who broke your marriage vows. Are you suggesting you get to cheat and he has to lose everything as a result?

For those saying op cannot leave her children, are you suggesting the one who didn't cheat should be forced to leave them with EOW access, or that she should refuse to end the relationship?

You reap what you sow, OP.

Don't move out. Make plans with the marriage counselor to live separate lives under the same roof. Then see a mediator to work out a plan to give you shared care as a long term goal.

I don't understand why everyone is telling the OP not to leave. If she were posting on here saying her DH had an affair, you'd all be telling her to kick him out instantly.

SHE is the one who has broken their family. SHE is the one who made the choice to betray her husband. Why should he be forced to live alongside her, or leave his home?

The anti-male bias on this site is absolutely astounding.

@SleepingStandingUp

For those saying op cannot leave her children, are you suggesting the one who didn't cheat should be forced to leave them with EOW access, or that she should refuse to end the relationship?

That’ll be exactly what they’re saying. Just waiting for someone to suggest OP’s DH must have done something awful to make her have an affair. That’s what usually happens.

When it’s the other way round, he cheated on you and your kids. He’s an arsehole. He should lose everything and live in a shitty bedsit. Ducks in a row. Get a SHL etc. Take him for everything you can, you poor victim.

If the OP had said her husband had the affair would they be advising that they continue to live together so he still gets to see the children every day? It's really unfair to expect your husband to continue living with someone who has had an affair just because the OP doesn't like the consequences.

My ex refuses to move out or sell the house.

He had the affair but won't move out.

It's totally dysfunctional & I do not recommend it.

Morally and legally are entirely different things- you both have the right to stay in the house if it's jointly owned.

It's time to get legal advice.

I would not move out without your children, it will battle in the courts if you go without them trust me.

I second that you urgently need some sound legal advice from a respected and recommended family solicitor.

Few mothers leave their children with the father because they get ripped to shreds by society for doing it. It doesn’t really damage the child any more than any other split or divorce where they end up with the mother and the father leaves. Society socialises women to see the children as their sole responsibility. If a woman leaves her children, she is reviled but a man leaving his children when there is a split is expected, even encouraged.

In most scenarios, the woman is the primary carer & lower earner/working part time, which is why the mother leaving is more damaging.

I've refused to move out for that reason.

My cheating ex, earning 60K - could move out but refuses.

Your kids might not want to see you at all. You've turned their lives upsidedown. The best thing you can do is leave peacefully and work your hardest to make it up to your kids

Every one has different lived experience. I'd give the same advice to a man too. In my case my ex did eventually leave before we had sorted out childcare arrangements, but only 18 months after we agreed to split. He it left because of an impending court order. He was repeatedly advised not to leave the family home... So it's not just women who get that advice.

Yes well, in many relationship there is no primary carer it’s shared equally, or the father is the primary carer or the primary carer switches between the partners during childhood due to job loss/disability or the primary carer is a grandparent because both partners work.

The fact that women are more commonly primary carer than men, still doesn’t excuse the double standard that punishes them if they decide to leave their children with the father as primary carer.

It also doesn’t prove that it’s “more damaging” to switch from a female to male primary caregiver because most children will have a change in who is their primary carer at least once in their childhood and there is no scientific study supporting this contention. Only the socialised view that “mother is best”

@PlanDeRaccordement

Few mothers leave their children with the father because they get ripped to shreds by society for doing it. It doesn’t really damage the child any more than any other split or divorce where they end up with the mother and the father leaves. Society socialises women to see the children as their sole responsibility. If a woman leaves her children, she is reviled but a man leaving his children when there is a split is expected, even encouraged.

In fairness I think it is more damaging precisely because of the societal attitudes. There is more stigma to being left by your mother than your father, just as there is more stigma to being a mother that leaves, than a father that leaves.

Not at all fair but the DC’s well-being is more important here than fairness anyway.

@GroundAlmonds
Yes agree stigma has an effect. Glad you agree it is a stigma though :)

I'm a non-resident mother (for completely different reasons) so perhaps my perspective will help, OP. In the eyes of the law, gender is irrelevant and in fact mothers can lose out when it comes to custody if the father refuses to leave or insists on being the resident parent, as mine did and as your stbxh is doing. But in the eyes of a depressingly patriarchal society, gender is everything and you'll be treated very unfairly by most people if you aren't fulfilling their expectations.

In answer to your question, you can make it work by focusing solely on the kids' best interests, which usually involves lots of quality time with both parents, in suitable homes.

If it's definitely over then I'd suggest channelling all your energy and conversations with him (and your lawyer) into getting a fair, workable shared custody arrangement, driven by the children's needs/wants, not by your ex's wounded pride.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to reply. I know I don't need to justify myself but my husband was fine with everything at first as he wanted an open marriage but then dispite only meeting once with ex and no sleeping together occurred emotions got involved and that's when things ended with ex.

I really appreciate the practical advice and will make whats best for the children the main focus when working everything out.