Should I tell the judge?

[PasturesN3w]

My STBX lied on his form E. He did not declare regular dividends from the sale of a business as income. He “disappeared” a massive inheritance once he knew we were getting divorced. He also did not tell me what he earned and stockpiled money during the marriage for himself, while making me and the kids go without....A really classy guy.

We are at 99% of the way through a divorce, but thejudge has written to us asking for clarification about the division of monies. We are at 50/50, however we divided it as: I get slightly more house but less pension (and 0% of all the hidden spondoolies)! so the judge wants a clearer outline of this division.

I have a chance at redress here. I could tell the judge everything that he’s done and the fact that he’s lied, which is illegal (and as a chartered accountant he could get struck off for this. Or, I like to imagine he could..... mmm I could also tell his firm and the ICEAW he he he he - rubs hands)! It is so completely tempting to do this, but there is a flipside.

If I tell the judge, it will open-up a can of worms and severely delay our divorce. This will add considerably to my stress levels. And, pursuing this money has always been difficult because in order to chase it, I need the finances to pay solicitors and forensic accountants etc, but I don’t have the funds.

Isn’t that always the way? The spouse who stayed at home took care of the kids, worked part time and focused on their spouses career (the spouse with the least money), gets the least in a divorce settlement? And the spouse with the great career job and all the money gets to keep it? That’s been the experience of my girlfriends who’ve divorced, and my own experience too.

For my own peace of mind, I think I need to let old Moneybags Magoo get away with it. He has to live with himself after all, and thankfully I don’t have to anymore. But it’s sooooo galling, the total lack of justice here... grr grr grr.

My SIL was in a similar position and decided to just go ahead and accept the offer, because she just wanted shut of it all. I don’t think there’s a ‘right’ way, but it’s bloody frustrating. to you.

Yes Rainallnight 'cheek turning' can be empowering too.

Did you not issue a questionnaire after you got his Form E?

No did not learn about the dividends cheques til much later, and actually didn't get this advise.

You need to do it through your lawyers though. The judge will want to see evidence. It'll be a very expensive hornet's nest. Tread carefully.

Yes and a total cautionary tale is a woman I know has chased a huge amount of money in her divorce via forensic accountants and solicitors, and five years later she still hasn't got the money and it's cost her an absolute fortune.

Another reason you don't want to pursue this is because, if you do, your ex might be struck off and presumably you want him to pay child maintenance.

But maybe let him know that you know? Give him a chance to do the right thing. You could do this under the guise of being helpful. So maybe message to him saying, "Hi X, I think there's maybe a mistake on your form because it doesn't include these amounts. Should I tell the judge about these as they seem to have been left off? Let me know how you'd like to approach this to make sure these sums are included but avoid any awkwardness from having filed an incorrect form".

Messallover, yes this approach is tempting thanks.

And very importantly I have to consider the DC's, how they'd view this. My 20 year old DD knows the score. And so far I have behaved well and not taken any steps against him. I hope they can see that I've been the better person in all this?

There is no child maintenance, as DCs over 18. We had a clean break divorce. I got spousal maintenance as a much lower lump sum, because I knew he'd be so tricky about paying in instalments. I didn't want to be beholden to him either.

I seem to be on a bit of a roll here, bare with….

If OH actually admitted what hed done and apologised I'd feel so differently. Explained why he needs all this money, in his mind at least (I personally think he has what is known in psychology as a 'money disorder'). I'd actually forgive him and Id definitely not pursue it.

It's the been treated like a human being that matters, with respect and kindness. People make mistakes, but they can make amends too. He just keeps denying this over and over again despite evidence. He is the boy with chocolate all round his mouth that keeps denying he at the chocolate biscuits. I feel like he didn't have respect for me while he was doing these things, he prioritised his own needs and felt that I was so unimportant and stupid he would get away with it....and he has!!! It's that that makes me mad, bad and unbelievably sad.

Sadly you need to stop hoping he will suddenly become a nicer person. He won’t -not at this stage anyway.

FWIW my xDH was less than totally honest in our financial breakup but it wasn’t worth pursuing as I could manage without it and I hoped that in the future he’d be more generous to our children. He hasn’t been generous with them but that’s his loss ultimately.

Don't try to get financial recompense as a way of hitting out at him for not respecting you. That ship has sailed, and you won't be married to him any more.

Focus on what you can realistically get to even things up. The 'do you want to correct this error or shall I?' sounds like a great approach.

Yes, just make out that it's a mistake, that you know all about it, and does he want to deal with it or you? Maybe hint politely about the consequences of lying (professional, criminal etc.).

I wouldn't let him get away scot-free with it, but neither would I try to destroy him with it either.

Are you able to get the judges permission to raise a further questionnaire? I believe there are is precedent for going back to court when monies have been discovered post divorce, however I believe these have been 'big money' cases. However, I can see what you mean - it's about balancing the pros and cons. If you are representing yourself then it may not cost you much more to pursue. Even if you don't pursue it I would make him nervous, i.e., mention his chartered status and the fact that you can take him back to court post divorce should you uncover monies he didn't declare at the time.

I think you need to raise this via a solicitor, and tell the judge that it has come to light. Present all your evidence, and ask the judge to decide whether he needs to update his form E. The judge may well decide that your evidence isn't convincing and go ahead with the judgement anyway. Or make an allowance based on an estimate of the undeclared sum of money.

If he's been getting dividends, then they will be declared on his tax return. The simplest thing would be to check the last 2-3 years of returns and he should have provided them already.

I appreciate all your thoughts and responses. Thank you.

I have thought about it and have decided let the divorce go through as it is. I realise I actually couldn’t deal with the negative extremely bad feeling that will be created if I do. I think life is just too short and I don’t think it will make me happy even if I managed to achieve a bit more money.

Also, I think DDs would be very disappointed that we were back on the divorce route and very acrimoniously too. It’s really not worth the headache. I also suspect that I will not find adequate evidence as none of these monies were paid into accounts which I had anything to do with. It would require his own disclosure to incriminate himself; less likely than unicorn sightings.

Yes a sarcastic " you seem to have missed a few bits off the form E"

You don't want him losing his job and being "struck off". That won't achieve anything and pay your child maintenance.

I'm sure a persuasive letter from your solicitor will help.