I live in London and there is nowhere you can go at any time of day, to have a really good, gut-wrenching primal scream. There's no park big enough to absorb an outraged outburst without completely scaring the dog walkers. Or, alarming unsuspecting families, enjoying the spectacle of deer-breath rising from a bellowing stag. The robust chesty call, echoing loudly off surrounding trees. I’m not sure me wailing woefully at the sky would sound quite so majestic.
You could probably have a good screaming-cry in the car, on a duel carriageway, but I like to keep my senses focused on the road. I thought of taking up kickboxing, but can't find a class open during lockdown; anything that vents all that negativity I’ve been carrying for the past 12 months would do.
Then recently, I had the perfect opportunity to really let go of those pent-up emotions. I was on the coast visiting friends, and one morning took myself off for an early blustery walk in the rain. I made my way down to the beach where huge waves were pounding the shingly shore. The crashing echo booming back from cliffs behind me. I realised that if I screamed at the top of my voice, no one could hear me in the gale. Instinctively, and a little self-consciously, I gathered five large stones, each one representing a negative emotion: One for Sorrow, two for Anger, three for Betrayal, four for Loss and five for Shock. If I’m honest, I could’ve added another eight or so stones to that. The tumultuous emotions you can experience during divorce, can make up a small beach of stones.
I faced the sea and ran at the receding waves sucking down the shoreline, shouting at the top of my voice as the next six-footer began to break noisily, I pelted the first stone as hard as I could and bellowed “That is for all my sorrow”, the last syllable becoming that primal scream I needed to get out. I ran back up the beach as fast I could to avoid getting wet. And so this rhythmic, exhilarating dance began: running, throwing, screaming, running and crying salty tears, mingling with briny seaspray.
When I’d cast all the stones, something strange happened. A freak wave lept up and covered my legs in water. I somehow had a sense that I needed permission to do what I had done, and should’ve asked earlier. So, I turned to face the sea and apologised. I belatedly thanked her for absorbing my sorrow, my anger, the betrayal etc. I said a prayer to the sea to take away the negative feelings and keep them forever.
Afterwards, as I soggily climbed back up the zig-zag path, it seemed as if the sea was a little calmer. I certainly felt exhausted and more relaxed then I had felt for quite some time.
I don’t know if this made-up ritual is real therapy, but it make me feel better. I don’t want to be carrying around all that cortisol, day in day out; making me grind my teeth at night. This act of wellness and restoration made me feel less anxious and so it was really worth doing.
I am in the last few weeks of my divorce now. it’s been with the courts for two months, so it should get rubber-stamped soon. Luke in the First World War, I suspect it’ll all be over by Christmas - an odd present to me.
I hope you too have found ways of coping with your own sorrows and fears during your divorce? Ideally, even if our partner has behaved appallingly, it’s better not to carry around anger. It does more damage to the person experiencing it, then it can ever do to the person you’re thinking about. Our Exes are simply not worth this much attention any more. Putting in place acts of mindfulness or prayer or meditation, and coming to terms with our sorrows is what we need to do to get better and live fulfilling lives, hopefully with forgiveness, laughter and happiness.
The next day I walked back down to the beach in sunnier weather. Halfway down the zigzag path, hidden in the stonewall, I saw a stone with red writing on it. I picked it up and this is what it said: “Every day may not be good, but there is something good in every day”. There were three kisses after the message and as I flipped the stone over I found 4 love hearts. It brought a tear to my eye and I smiled to myself,something else to be thankful for I thought.