I have a strange relationship with my mum. She's still with my dad. I'm early 30s. She was married before my dad and had two other children in her late teens. Me and my sister were in her mid 30s. She's not a normal mum. She is really weird about emotions and feelings. She's never been affectionate. Very uncomfortable with a variety of things such as kissing and hugging us, saying she's proud, compliments, breastfeeding. She can take a dislike to a child based on their haircut. Boys with long hair for example. She's just very judgey and has admitted she never wanted kids.
My sister the 3rd daughter seems to be the one who manages to please her. They are very similar. My sister's every so slightly better with her kids. But she went through a stage when she told me she had never bonded with her first child as her ex made her life hard. He would be sent to his room and things aged 5/6 and half the time it made no sense. She left home at 16. Returned at 18 pregnant. Then moved back in at 19. I was a year younger ages 18 working full time. I remember coming home from work and her and mum were sat at the table and I felt so pushed out. I was still being treated like a kid. They got my sister on her feet and they have given her loads of money over the years for court cases and things. I do care for my sister and her kids. She deserved some help and I'm not whinging she had help. I'm just explaining it was very different for her.
When I got pregnant at 18 I was pushed into an abortion by my parents. It was a horrible time and I have never talked about certain things that have stayed with me to this day. My mum didn't stop cleaning when I told her I wouldn't keep it because I wanted to make her happy. She also never asked me afterwards if I was ok. Then years later she said I came like nothing had happened. I went straight to bed and sobbed into my pillow whilst she watched Emmerdale and said nothing.
Now I'm an adult. I am softer with my kids. I am trying to raise them to be kind decent people whilst hopefully providing them with warmth and more experiences. I have been sensing from the start my mum doesn't like how I do anything.
I found out the genders. My sister didn't. My mum was really cross that I didn't wait.
Then it was judgment on the amount of clothes I bought. The fact I'd hold her when she napped at my mum's. The amount of Christmas presents. Constantly saying she doesn't need this and you don't need that. I remember taking her to soft play at six months and yeah she laid there enjoying the balls and not doing alot. But we wanted to be out and it was nice. I remember the negative comments about her being too young.
It literally never stops. If my sister disagrees with me over something, my mum will say the exact same stuff to me an hour later. Then deny they have talked.
On Facebook she follows her around backing her up and laughing at her.
But the one thing I've really sensed is she seems to have turned on my 5 year old abit. She won't talk to my mum anymore. She won't speak to most adults in the family. She talks at school and home and with my friends. But she goes mute on family members. Drs are not concerned as she speaks in many settings.
But my mum has taken it very personally. She calls her name's to me. My child will speak on the phone to everyone weirdly. But my mum sounds stern and Says things after to me like, she waffles about some right rubbish. Or she's obsessed.
The other week I put a sweet photo of her on Facebook. She as wearing a tutu dress and look over her shoulder and smiling. She looked really happy. My brother in law said she looked like a mini me. My mum wrote under, stroppy like her mother lol. Brother in law said that doesn't look like a stroppy child to me (thank you bil for sticking up for me)
Then I put some photos up of her facetiming her cousin. She is obsessed with her hair so had pulled it over her shoulder and had her head tilted admiring herself! My mum just wrote look how serious she is! Then wrote nice things about the other kids.
Finally. I've been having some women's problems this year. Constantly struggling with things. Lots of rubbish days. But I keep going. I hadn't really bothered telling them much as I know the support would be poor. I did mention things a couple of months ago though and they were so unhelpful. Telling me to do this, do that, book this and that. Not respecting my choices and listening to my plan. Even asked me if I had PND. I have bad periods not depression. Then since then not once do they ever asked me how I am. Never.
I'm so sorry this is long winded. But today they have both quoted eachother to me again and I am sick of them talking about me to prep the other.
I don't understand my mum's problem with me. I presume it's because I'm not following in her footsteps and I am not as stiff upper lipped and thick skinned. Although I'm not a complainer who is always crying either. I'm just abit more in touch with how I feel.
Also just before I stop. She talks to me like I'm stupid. For example neighbour was having work done and I told the men working for her to use half my drive. Because I'm nice and it literally never gets used. She said because they were travellers not to let them. I said to her they are perfectly polite and I've already allowed them too. She said well don't let them park more than a car there or you won't ever get rid of them. Then she told me not to be getting involved with them or bringing any home. I'm in a realtionship!?
She's always telling me not to get involved in stuff. Even small things like I asked a child climbing over my neighbours wall if he should be doing that. She said I shouldn't get involved unless it's my property.
Just things like that all the time. Again I'm 31 not stupid.
Anyone relate?