DH cancer diagnosis after I decided on separation

[Earlgrey19]

Weeks after I’d decided I wanted to separate, having been unhappy for years, DH got a cancer diagnosis out of the blue. His future is uncertain. There’s a chance he could beat it, given his age and good response to treatment so far. Though the stats are not good for his stage. I’m devastated for him and the kids. Struggling to orient myself. I’m very sure the marriage is beyond repair. Has anyone been in similar circumstance?

That is so hard.

If the marriage was unhappy then you need to proceed with the parting; but that does not mean you cannot help in appropriate ways to get your ex through this challenge. Do not feel guilted into to getting back together.

I think I would hold fire for the moment; depending on his diagnosis & prognosis.

Some cancers have very poor survival rates eg pancreatic, lung. Others less so.

I guess it also depends on how old your DC are, whether you feel emotionally able to care for him, financial situation etc.

Had you already had the discussion with him about separating, before his diagnosis? Is he aware?

This happened to me 18 years ago, although we weren't married.

In my case however the diagnosis was terminal, and DP had passed away within 3 months. I stayed with him, it was very traumatic.

I'll be honest though, if the prognosis had been better I'm not sure what I would have done.

I am very lucky that XH’s diagnosis of a cancer with a very very low survival rate came days after the decree absolute, and grateful that he didn’t mention the tests before then.

Divorce was entirely the right thing for us, I gave what emotional support I could during treatment and 4+ years on he is officially cancer free.

I agree with pp, go ahead with the separation. Whether you want to formally divorce or not before things are clear is up to you, would he want you to be next of kin in those circumstances?

You say you'd decided you want to separate, but had you told him that?

If you have not asked him to move out, I do not think you can ask him to go as things stand. Even if you had, if he has not gone yet I think you should be ready to pause. Do you have enough space to live reasonably separately within your current house? He can look for a new place once he is through the first part of treatment and has a clearer idea of his prognosis, whether he will be able to work et.

I think you need to frame this in terms of helping him as a good friend would, and of putting the DC first. How old are they and how much do they understand of the diagnosis?

my MIL was in a similar situation. She was thinking of leaving FIL then he got the diagnosis. They originally thought he might have a couple of years but it was eventually about 5 months. They stayed together and I've never heard any mention of her thinking of leaving him... not sure she knows I know.

Anyway I'm not sure this is helpful... but it might be wise to wait until you have a better idea of how serious it is.

What stage are you at with the separation? Have you told him and are you living apart?

Sorry to hear this, if you’re not parting due to abuse or an affair I think you need to take a couple of weeks to find out the prognosis and think things over. It is also important that you consider what is best for your DC, sorry to be blunt but you need to consider inheritance and if he has made a will.

Thanks all. Yes he knows I wanted to separate. Initially prognosis was very poor — 5 % chance of surviving 5 years, based on general statistics. But because he’s so young for this cancer and the spread is fairly small they’re keeping him on the curative route for now, with radical surgery scheduled for 2 weeks. He’s already had chemo. I’m staying with him for treatment and surgery and recovery, and then more chemo. When he’s finished all that his outlook will still be very uncertain. They say it’s uncharted territory because of his age. So... he might be cured or he might survive only a year or two, that’s why it’s so hard to know what to do. DC are little: 3 & 5. Trying to facilitate what’s best for them too by continuing to live together for now so they can see as much of their Dad as possible, in case he doesn’t make it. But for myself I’m desperate to live separately, though putting it on hold for now. Emotional strain huge.

I cannot begin to imagine all the strain of this.

But FWIW I think you are doing the right thing in staying under the same roof for the time being. You can re-evaluate this t each step, post operatively, or after the next rounds of treatment, or at any other point when there is news on his future. He's going to find it tough physically, but also in terms of things like his employment and income, which will have knock on effects on ability to find somewhere else to live.

Prioritising your DC is the right thing to do. They are too young to understand the full impact of a cancer diagnosis but obviously will see that daddy's poorly. You cannot put your life on hold indefinitely, but hanging on in there for a few weeks (until the operation is done, and you know if it was successful, and whether it has revealed more about his condition) will put you in a better position to make the right decisions. To put it bluntly (with apologies if this is too blunt), if their DDad is about to die, you'll have enough on your plate dealing with their bereavement, without adding a separation on top of that. But if his prognosis is a good one, then you can start to make new plans

No guilt tripping intended I promise. I am so very sorry for your circumstances I can not imagine how awful it must be. The marriage may be over but he is still a person you once loved and the father of your children therefore it must be awful.
I haven’t been through this but I know I’d support my husband for my children’s sake. Revisit the separation at a later date. Not saying that’s what you should do.

As above, I agree that staying in support is the right move. Can you find somewhere to get some space though? Maybe a night a week?