How much do you tell the 15yr old?

[PurpleMustang]

Sorry this may be long. Partner of 25yrs has decided to leave. Son is 15yrs and he wants to just tell the children the we have grown apart rubbish. I told him not to insult the older childs intelligence and know his family will talk (think thin walls, mean can not be heard) and won't respect a request to not to talk of things when children there. And I do not want them find things out this way. The truth is that he has been lying, gaslighting, silent treatment and seeing others for a long time. He won't tell me how long, any real info. For context, I would say we need to talk about us, he said i want this, this and this. Big London job, away from home. I didn't trust him and whenever I brought anything suspect up with him, he would lie his way out of it. Stopped sleeping with me and says now, well we weren't in a relationship. So why did he lie all this time for then. Except of course he did as I was doing everything and is trying to now claim that my doing it all, hasn't contributed to his big wage!! The older child sees how he treats me and how do you gently tell them what their Dad has done without making you look bitter but don't want to lie to child either?

Don't involve your child. He is old enough to make his own opinion about his dad. It's not fair to try and unload on him. He's still his dad and should be able to decide for himself what type of relationship he wants to have with him. If you need to vent about your ex, the solicitor fees, anything - please don't do it to your DS. It's not fair to put him in the middle.

You shouldn’t get him involved at all
This is between you as spouses not between your children.

I think your husband is a piece of shit and deserves all he gets, however it isn't a good idea to slag him off in front of your 15 year old, it's up to you to be the only adult in all this.
Let him tell you son what he wants but I don't think you should have to witness it while he does that.
Your son knows what s going on and if he asks you if what his father said is true just say no it isn't but we need to move on now and start living our lives.

Don't lie to your son. He needs a parent he can rely on to be stable and honest. Tell him that you're splitting because you no longer want to be together. Answer any of his questions honestly and matter of factly without giving him more information than he's asking for. There's no need for him to know more than he wants to know.

I still want to protect them, especially son as is older and understands more. I wouldn't tell him everything at all. Was more just thinking the bare minimum of his cheating ie 'we haven't been getting along and your Dad has been seeing other people. Wants to continue to so we need to separate'. If son is going to overhear things surely it is best it comes from us? And no I wouldn't be offloading about all the financial shit he is putting me through, because as we are not married, he thinks (even though I work/worked) we only have money because of him and I don't deserve it

I think your explanation sounds fine. Just take care to keep it to that.

Your son does not need to be told about his father's infidelity. That is a private matter between you and your partner.

Please just do as dh has suggested and say you have grown apart. Do not slag off his father to him. He needs to see that you are ok even if you aren’t. 15 may appear old but he is still a child and needs protecting. Don’t put your own feelings onto your son

Don't say that. Rise above it, for your son's sake. He'll soon work it out.

"Dad and I are separating. It isn't anything you need to worry about, just let us sort things out. I'll do everything I can to make sure things stay calm and comfortable for us all. Of course I'm really sad about it, but we will all be fine."

If pushed "We don't want the same things anymore and that makes being married very difficult. It's better that we don't live together any more."

So if I lie and go with the we have drifted apart tripe, what do I say when comes to me and says he has overheard about his Dad sleeping about?

Going against the grain, having recently been through a big break up the older (but still younger DC) have been more settled since I stopped trying to ‘protect’ them and was honest (without being emotional), it was actually my DM who suggested it, having been through similar in her childhood she said the one thing she really wanted was just to know what was what, she could have dealt with that but she found the uncertainty of not knowing what the ‘secrets’ were really difficult. DC pick up on a lot more then they are sometimes given credit for.
I think your explanation is good.

I think it’s like a horror story, the scariest ones are the ones that hint at something and let your own mind fill in the blanks...

I would say "We can't get along" and if he asks about OW then you say you don't know the details (which is the truth)

I disagree with some of the posters above. I’m in a similar situation but a few years down the line.

I told my teenage DC the truth about his dad’s affair and I think it was the right thing to do. I think it has been easier for my DC to accept the divorce as he knows there is a real reason for it. If I just gave him a vague reason he may have never understood or come to terms with it.

I never talk badly of my exH, and support his relationship with him. And I think my DS appreciates me being truthful with him as he needs to know who he can trust.

I divorced years ago, almost 20 years ago. At the time my children were early teens. We told them everything, we even involved them in discussions about finance and who would live with whom....and gave the children their own say.

I would still do it this way, it was the best way to go. The children hated the fact that we were breaking up but they were involved, were able to express their own views and feelings and nothing was hidden from them. They both dealt with it in a very healthy way, I still think it's for the best.

However, the children were not drawn into taking sides, nor did we use them to "off load onto" which wouldn't have been good at all. There is a difference....

I agree with your explanation suggested. You are totally right, your son will know already or find out. I would give him the explanation you have suggested and give him small amounts of basic information in a way that is as neutral as you can be in your feelings towards his father, ideally together. Otherwise, I think it's going to be really tough on him feeling neither of his parents are telling him the truth.

So I think you should be honest with your son. Tell him why you're splitting up, because it will help him understand there is no way back. It's different if kids are under 10, but at 15 they know far more than we sometimes give them credit for.

The truth is the best route, as long as you are able to stop yourself bad-mouthing his Dad.

Children often feel that it is all somehow their fault; but knowing the truth will clear up that worry for them.

DM had an affair, it led to the marriage breakdown. I knew (she bloody took me to meet him when it was going on ). To be honest I can't imagine not knowing. EVEN knowing I still wished, a little, that it was different, but at least I knew it was not me iyswim.

I'd be inclined to go with...we are separating, its not your fault, we want you to know we love you very much and are both here for you, any questions we will answer them as honestly as we can. Then he can ask questions as and when he wants to know more.

Thank you all your comments and experiences. I do think it would give him clarity that it is not his fault at all and then manage as best as with the younger. Last couple of years have been particularly tough and oldest sees how his Dad treats me and sometimes now him too. Very selfish, Disney Dad, Show Dad. I have a fantastic bond with our kids and every time I had to lie to them about their Dad it killed a bit of me. I have always tried to otherwise be honest with them. I try to have good chats with eldest being age he is. I hate people lying to me. I want to be able to have an honest relationship with them and always say I would rather hate the truth than you lie. This has worked well so far. Therefore would feel a huge hypocrite if I now lied to him when he will likely overhear from others. Oh, and no, before anyone suggests, I am not a perfect Mum, partner or human and nor do I pretend to be. If they say You are the best Mum, I will usually say oh but I could do this or that better. I don't want to bring up delusional kids that have to realise their parent is actually not perfect or always right

I think it depends on the motive and what you want
If it’s, oh you’re dad has been a shit therefore you should take my side and not see him, don’t do it
If it’s more of a, look, this isn’t what I want but ultimately your dad wants to move on, but he’s still your dad and I want you to be fine with both of us, that’s slightly different
At 15 he should grasp that relationships fail for a number of reasons
You shouldn’t use him as a sympathetic ear though

My parents split up when I was 16. My dad had an affair. My mum went to pieces but she never really told me the truth and when I asked my dad he lied about it and said no one else was involved he just said he and my mum had become like brother and sister.

What a load of old tripe! Over the next few months the truth came out slowly and not in a nice way.It had a detrimental effect on my mental health and I missed school and it affected my A level results. It would have been far better for me to be told the truth in the first place. I was old enough to deal with the truth rather than be lied to. I didn't agree with what my dad did and he knew that but he was still my dad and I still had a relationship with him. Just my experience at a similar age to your DS.

Telling the truth about affairs is one thing and slagging him off another. Don't confuse the two. Tell him the basic truthful facts and leave it at that.