I'm sat in my car... I've told him

[trevorandsimon]

I've sent an email to my husband this morning after doing the school run, to say I want some time apart from him to figure out what is happening with our marriage. I couldn't say it to his face. He's been trying very hard recently but it isn't enough. I think he's been trying hard cos he knows I've emotionally disconnected and he knows this was coming. On the other hand I could be crediting him with emotional intelligence which he's never had before and this is going to be a bolt out of the blue.

I've been to the shops, now I'm sitting in my car wondering when to go home and trying hard not to have a panic attack.

Well done. In a way the anticipation is the worst part. Get yourself organized. What do you need to sort out.

Make a plan for moving this on.

So solicitor for information, get recommendations and see more than one.

Make a list of what you want from a divorce and a second list of what you'd accept. First list is for solicitor, second is for you.

Make an appointment for mediation.

Start getting all the paperwork together. Scan it and put everything in one place online like Evernote or Dropbox.

Get the house valued.

Find out pension values.

Etc etc.

It's a slow long process, might as well get organized.

@Wallywobbles

Well done. In a way the anticipation is the worst part. Get yourself organized. What do you need to sort out.

Make a plan for moving this on.

So solicitor for information, get recommendations and see more than one.

Make a list of what you want from a divorce and a second list of what you'd accept. First list is for solicitor, second is for you.

Make an appointment for mediation.

Start getting all the paperwork together. Scan it and put everything in one place online like Evernote or Dropbox.

Get the house valued.

Find out pension values.

Etc etc.

It's a slow long process, might as well get organized.

Unless you think its worth trying to make a go of it

You ended your marriage over email?
If you're in an abusive relationship then I could understand that but if not.... he deserves a conversations.

Is he at home right now? Go and speak to him. The above poster has outlined all the practical things, which I'm sure you already knew about, but you need to go and speak to him.

Are you expecting him to leave? Or are you going to stay somewhere else? You have to go and make the plans with him.

I agree, via email... brutal!

Right. Take a deep breath. I was in a similar position a few months back although I told my wife personally.
First of all do you have a ‘support network’, ie close friends, sisters, brothers etc? Tell them immediately. You will need their support immensely.
I had a couple of breakdowns and terrible anxiety attacks ( I’m normally steady and a bit boring) and so I sought support from my GP. He’s been great. I was prescribed meds which has really steadied me and helped me think logically. They don’t remove the emotion but help me function.
Recognise that it will get a lot worse before it gets better.
Remind yourself constantly why you’re doing it and where you want to be in a couple of years. That’s really really important.
It is your home so don’t be afraid to go there.
I feel for you as I’m going through that but probably a wee bit ahead of you.
Finally..look after yourself. I’ve lost over 2 stone in weight, so take care of your own physical and mental health.
Finally (2). You are one of thousands going through this so although you feel alone you really aren’t. And use mumsnet, best thing I ever discovered. And I’m not a mum!
Good luck to you.
Contact someone now. Don’t bottle it up. Bore them to death with it.

God if this was a woman saying she’d been dumped by email everyone would be going nuts. I think that’s very mean of you. You need to go indoors and be a grown up and face him.

He's very reactive, I am going back to speak to him what I wanted to give him time to absorb what i said first

I'm not not going to discuss it with him. He knows there are issues, we've been to counselling three times and discussed splitting up before. He doesn't want to because it would be, and I quite, financial ruin. Our relationship is far from perfect

I haven't dumped him by email. Just told him we need to start figuring out how we can have time apart to see how we feel as we have tried everything else

We will discuss it when I get back. Which is when I leave this car park and drive home. No ones going or needing to leave immediately. So I don't think it's that brutal. It's just better explained clearly by writing rather than talking

I did wince when you said it was through email. Is he difficult to talk to? Is he dismissive of your feelings?

He gets angry and shouty very quickly and blows up. We've always communicated better through email.

My husband is like that. Gets very angry so I was really worried when I told him. Yes he did blow up. Called me horrible names. Behaved like a stroppy adolescent teenager. So I understand why you sent an email.
Months later my husband is still out of the house but he's desperate to come home. This is where I need to stay strong.

I did mine by lawyers writing a letter mine shouts shouts And bullies.
nah I couldn’t keep on saying it it was 2 years of saying it .
And getting crap like do your worse do whatever .I
did it that way he got the letter on his arrival from a trip .
I think it’s ever so difficult to understand if your not in the position some don’t talk .

Well done you, you've taken the first step. I totally get why you did it that way. Stay strong x

@trevorandsimon how are you doing now?