I'm not really sure why I'm typing this here I just must get it out.
Monday, I found out I was going to miscarry-again.
My boyfriend who I've been with a year knew I previously had a missed miscarriage in August 2019 as when we built the trust in the relationship we spoke about things naturally as couples do. He's always been understanding and understood how important it was to me and how I still find it traumatic, always very supportive with it and assured me he was looking forward to having our family one day, I've always expressed concern about miscarrying again and he promised he would always be there for me. Don't get me wrong our relationship was far from perfect but love made it happen.
Anyway, I found out I was pregnant Saturday 3rd October after being late, over emotional and absolutely exhausted. Straight away I knew I was keeping it. I told him, we argued and he would not shut up about me getting an abortion so I did hear him out but I told him the trauma of a miscarriage last year I just wouldn't lose a baby again optionally or not, he slept with me, he ended it with me, we were still talking him telling me I'm ruining his life and trapping him.
On Thursday I had to go to the hospital I had a bad feeling! Cramping and spotting, he took me, and since he wasn't allowed in because of corona he sat outside and was texting me "I love you I do want a baby with you, we're gonna be a family I don't want to lose you, I can't have you going through any pain or trauma" and I believed him, he isn't very good with his emotions at all, so I got it took him a while.
Then he took me away for the weekend to take my mind off it til my scan Monday, he didn't take the day off to take me despite me crying and asking him (he's self employed he works when he wants) he said "money's important I like money" so I became upset, probably hormonal. I dropped it, whilst away we were looking at houses online and it felt great he said to get a 3 bed instead of a 2 because we might want another! He then told me he would take me Monday. Sunday night we were home and laying in bed and he began to become nasty said "I don't want your fucking kid I don't want kids yet" all that stuff "I was just trying to be a happy family"
Fast forward to Monday he got up and went to work, I found out later I was going to miscarry.
He came to mine and hugged me and held me, he told me even though he didn't want it he cared about me, he then said that "I only got back with you for the kid not just for the kid but mostly " and just other nasty things I can't really remember because I just felt numb about going to miscarry. He kept coming onto me and in my weird head I thought he might love me still so I slept with him I think it was just to feel close to him. I woke up crying at 2am and he told me to "stop crying I'm trying to sleep you will be fine" he did hug me
Then on Tuesday he didn't come over, the pains and cramps started and the heavy bleeding and I said to him asking if he could call me before bed so I could hear his familiar voice because I was scared and he said "I'm busy watching a film, after" I explained what was going on and he said "hope you're okay but you'll get through it" I went on my phone to distract me and saw he was on Instagram liking half naked photos of girls he claimed were his friends when I asked him, they weren't, they are girls he's slept with before me he just forgot he told me when we first got together. We discussed boundaries when we got together and that was one of them.
Anyway, he asked if I needed anything so I said some pain killers and pads would be great and maybe some food as I forgot to eat from when I found out I was going to miscarry (I know I expected a lot but I just forgot) he said he couldn't be bothered to bring me any pain killers or pads and I'll be fine, and he's too tired to get up and bring me some and to talk to me. So I broke up with him, I broke up with him. Very nicely. Told him how traumatised I was and how much I was hurting and I just needed to be held and he just kept on about getting his phone charger. He cane before work in the morning to get it and didn't say a word to me that was nice just "you've got no respect" so I told him he was a fucking disgrace.
Yesterday I begged and begged him to bring me some pads and explained I was passing big clots and was in agony and such emotional turmoil and he said "sorry I'm not the man for you baby I wish I was there to support you"
He never brang them. I texted about 50 times today and rang (stupid, I know) but the one person that loves you is supposed to be there he said I finished it with him so I didn't need him to bring me pads, whats he supposed to do about a miscarriage I'll get over it and he genuinely does not care about me anymore.
He said I was pathetic and acting crazy and a joke. He's gotten over me and I should do the same. I begged him to keep it a secret. He said he will but kept telling me to fuck off and laughing at me saying he doesn't want anything to with me anymore.
I don't know why I posted all of this, I'm so broken. I know I finished it with him, and I believe I did the right thing, but I'm in such pain I don't know what to do. Sorry for rambling x