Losing friends in divorce and loneliness

[PasturesN3w]

Since separating a year ago, I have found many friends have completely disappeared out of my life. I’ve also moved slightly further away from where the DC’s grew up, and they’re now at Uni, so Mum duties have stopped. Unfortunately my parents are long gone and the poor old dog died in February, so I am experiencing far too much time alone. The married couples who are still around don’t want to socialise during the week, all arrangements are totally non spontaneous and have to be prearranged, which is a huge adjustment. I have been incredibly hurt that certain friends have not kept in touch and Im especially grateful for the sprinkling of ones who have made a real effort.

This is obviously compounded by Covid restrictions over the past several months. I feel as if I’m living a totally different life. I’m not sure how to improve things; it’s hard to join anything at the moment under Covid.

I have been working part time and looking for more work to pay the bills. I was very excited when I was offered a full-time job in June which would have kept me busy, but was withdrawn due to further lockdown restrictions. I feel as if I’m treading water waiting for my new life to start. Working so infrequently, days expand out in front of me; just the odd walk alone and far too much television forms my days. Im a strong person, but I find myself crying unexpectedly from the sheer frustrated emptiness of the past several months. I feel as if I’m living a different life and I’m not sure how to improve things. It’s hard to join anything at the moment under Covid. I find I can’t do hobbies at home because I’m waiting anxiously for the divorce to come through (also delayed). I feel as if I’m treading water and I cannot control anything, it’s all in the lap of the gods.

The house I moved into Ive worked hard on. It is empty now the kids and dog are gone. I realise I can free-up cash by downsizing, and even though it’s less than a year since I’ve been here, it feels a sensible thing to do. I’m waiting for my new life to start, but its really tough. How’re you finding this?

I'm at a different stage to you OP and just going through it all. But I didn't want to not respond. I am picturing a reasonable amount of friend loss myself and given I don't have loads that will impact me. People are not supportive towards me as I'm ending it, I'm ending it because he's neglectful but I'm not shouting it and painting him as a badguy as it would impact ds. I think your post is hard to respond to as all the usuall replies would be 'get out there, join clubs etc etc' And we all know that ain't happening this Winter. I'm tempted to say get a new dog. But personally I'm ready to feel very alone this Winter simply because I won't be able to do all the things newly single people usually do, we can't get out there can we. But I can be-friend myself.

I'm going to go inwards this Winter, journal, read, internet yoga, some zoom stuff, therapy etc

Yes, I thought 'get a new dog' when I saw your post too. You have the time to settle one in and as you know they are lovely company and a way to chat to people.

I'm also at a different stage, I've only just told DH that I want to divorce but I am very, very lonely at the moment even though we are still living together so I wanted you to know you aren't alone in how you are feeling. I have got a list of things I am hoping to rediscover once my life on the other side of this starts. Can you try and do the same?

It's so tough at the minute. People are really feeling it and it sounds difficult. Although you sound like you are quite proactive and yes im another one who thought new dog xx

OP Look upon this time in your life as 'downtime'. Nobody making demands upon you, nobody wanting a lift or anything else for that matter.
Look after yourself more paying attention to your beauty routine. Your hair and nails etc, and go swimming/walking. Read. You don't have to cook for anyone so why not start making things from scratch using authentic ingredients.
Please yourself. It may not last !

You’ve been through a lot and still sound very strong. No wonder you’re weary.

Could you foster a dog or walk dogs for The Cinnamon Trust until you find your feet?

Yes a dog is high on my agenda. I was hoping to be settled in the new place/life before getting one; but it looks like we are heading into another lockdown and the whole of life is on hold. We can only focus on the here and now. Thanks For your support.

You are still going through the bereavement but in time you will find purpose and direction.
Most can’t imagine the whole idea of marrying was companionships would be formed .
For one to spend time with especially when the children move on .
The empty feeling will pass

I can totally relate OP...
I personally think the overwhelming loneliness is what triggered my post break up breakdown. If I could give my past self advice it would be what you've been advised here already.

It's hard with Covid as you can't join a class/group to meet people but maybe something worth bearing in mind for the future?

I’m sorry as this sounds hard. I think people are quite caught up in themselves. Why have some of your friends been a bit crap? They maybe just don’t think.

I also would get a dog. It’s a great way to start out and see people locally. And dogs are nicer than humans!

Thanks all. Yes dogs are nicer than humans. This week I was greeted with such enthusiasm by a colleagues dog that it made me cry.

Gosh was just feeling the same as you and saw your post. I find myself crying but not as much as I used to, it's so hard atm, I usually join yoga places or have you heard of meet up? But can't do these things can we. I'm just watching tv and lighting candles, I do have a dog and a cat though and they help me! My dog is snuggled up to me right now. Fur babies do help xx

I'm really looking forward to starting my new life and I thank you for your posts. I realised rereading my original post, that I've repeated myself, but it just emphasises how I feel: in a bit of a washing machine going round and round. I'm really looking forward to getting my fur babies as you say. I've put my name down for various rehoming places but actually they're also restricted due to Covid. This freaking illness, it's really getting in the way. Overwhelmingly, I have an urge to go into the middle of the largest park I can find and do loud screaming. I also have images of repeatedly hitting a beanbag with a tennis racket; in the first instance I worry about alarming people, in the second, I worry about environmental impact of tiny polystyrene balls everywhere!

Ive lost an awful lot of friends due to our separation too. One of my best friends has completely ghosted me, and slagged me off to other friends due to my ‘life choices’. Its a turning point I guess...a freaking painful one but hopefully one that will result in a stronger, happier person/life. Sorry you're experiencing this op. You're not alone.

That’s tough. So sorry to hear this. She may not understand or have misinterpreted your situation. What I realise now is, being inside a divorce is so hard, so painful, if you’ve not had one, you think that persons ok. You don’t realise how lonely afraid and sad they might be, Ive found one or two Mum friends a bit mean and judgemental. But feck-em!