Others (unhelpful) response when told news

[artisanmarsbar]

I'm just wondering if I'm being idealistic here or have rubbish people in my life.
I'm in process of telling people we're seperating. I have thought about this and worked at the relationship for literally years. And finally decided enough. There are no other people involved but I'm ending it and moving out to somewhere much less nice, simply because he won't or if he did he'd be back at the family home daily and I would never get space. But it looks odd to others that I'm doing this. And I can't go around saying 'he's actually a bit of a dick' as everyone thinks he's great, plus not ideal for ds.
But when told, people are really pushing for details, like they suspect something. And I keep getting 'poor ds' Like that hasn't occured to me. Only one friend has said 'poor you, you've given it your best shot and he should be moving out.' Everyone else insinuates I'm fucking up my ds life.
Is this typical? What do others say to this?
And how is this the one culturally acceptable way to knock mothers when there is a whole load of stuff going on out there that everyone never comments on.

I’m afraid it is typical. 13 months down the line and 95% of my friends and family think I’m having some sort of midlife crisis and a complete idiot for leaving. If only they knew !

Thank you @Scaryprospects I appreciate that. It can feel very alone, why are people so judgemental? It'd seem obvious most women end relationship with children after immense thought and effort. And still it feels like victorian times.

I read a great line recently 'better to come from a broken home than to be living in a broken home' and I'm going to write that in sharpie on my arm so I don't forget it.

I was consistently told I should have made him leave and taken the kids. Hey he changed the locks when I was at work 🙄 and packed me a case. Everything he cited as a problem had always been there. Ho hum.

Quite typical. People are nosy. And often protective of their own less-than-perfect relationships. People Who Leave upset the world order. My own parents gave me the whole wontyouthinkofthechildren malarkey. It really, really hurt.
You are doing the right thing. Don't doubt it. And spend more time with the friend who said kind things.

As to how to respond, "he's actually a bit of a dick" is fine. As long as DS is not in earshot.

I think this is due to lack of knowledge. If you’ve always presented a happy front then folks won’t understand it, or for example if you don’t tell them he kicked you out of course they will say you should have kicked him out.

I’m not sure it’s judgement more due to lack of information they only have to go on what they already know, you don’t need to say anything but do accept if someone doesn’t know then they can’t be expected to always say the right thing.

One of my supposed best friends at the time said to me 'don't you feel like you've failed?' after I left my abusive first husband. Needless to say she's not a friend any more.

I think maybe secretly people admire you as it's a brave thing to do to leave a marriage. Ignore them, your true friends will support you.

My husband had an affair and left me and I still got hassle from my mother about not working it out and how it would ruin the children's lives.

I actually had to shout "He has LEFT me! I can't do anything about it!" before she would stop.

I was devastated by him leaving too, so it seemed especially cruel.

That's true, about people not having the full picture. "Oh, but you seemed so happy and such a close family!". At first I didn't know what to say to this, but after a while I just started telling the truth, which was that no, we weren't, actually, and for what it's worth ex had a temper issue that he kept well-concealed. I got so sick of taking all the blame. I think this is a gendered thing. Women get much more judgement than do men in the same situation.