Any advice about how to co-parent with an abusive ex

[Swlondon123]

Good evening,

Me and my partner split up after 2 months of my son being born due to social services being involved and telling me that I am in a coercive and controlling relationship.

I have fled the relationship but I am concerned how to co-parents with an abusive partner since I do not wish to see him and since my child is so small.

Can anyone please give me some advice?

We have been advised to go to court for child arrangement order, I understand that it is in the child's best interest to see the father, but what happens if I do not wish to see the father, surely that is against my human rights if I never wish to see or spend time with an absuive ex-partner.

Thank you.

Kind regards,

Dina

How do I let him have contact with my child if I do not wish to see him? The baby is only a few months old so he has not had time to form a relationship with dad. Why should I continue to be involved with a man all of my life who has been abusive towards me and who I need wish to see again?

How is it possible for me to arrange contact without my seeing or seeking to my ex?

Thank you.

If social services have directly advised you that the relationship was coercive and controlling, I don’t imagine it should be too hard to make a good case for an order for supervised contact. If you are breastfeeding, there would be no chance for extended visits and absolutely not overnights. I’m sorry to hear about your situation OP

Can you arrange visits at a contact centre or a willing family member who would meet them with the baby?

As far as I know, from reading general advice on here, you dont have to allow him contact. Let him take you to court if he wants to.
Your baby is only little so should be with you.
Contact Womens Aid for advice.

But supervised contact means me bringing the baby to him? That means seeing my ex-partner....

Can he have supervised contact reversed in the future? Are courts of the opinion that abusers can change?

I am frightened of my ex, so I don't understand why I should be subjected to harassment and abusive for the sake of my baby having a relationship with my ex-partner?

It doesn’t mean seeing your partner. You can have a third party do this for you.

These questions are exactly why it's helpful to go through court as they will help you agree a framework.

For babies visits should be little and often, rather than longer more infrequent visits. Think 30-60 minutes at a neutral location. You may be able to do drop off via a family member or somewhere like a contact centre. The advantage is that you don't need to directly see your ex, the disadvantage is it can make handover take longer and so make contact take up more time overall. Also, if you're reliant on a family member this only works as long as they are willing to do it (and COVID may interfere with these kinds of arrangements too).

Through toddlerhood visits can build up to a few hours at a time but would not need to be overnight until the child is ready and very used to spending time with his dad throughout the day including nap times.

Do you still have a social worker? You may be able to get advice from them about contact as well. They may even argue that it is against the child's interest, although that is usually something a court will decide.

IME, the arrangements are the least of it - the hard part is actually managing your feelings about how your ex partner is with your child when you are not there. Often you will disagree on certain parenting topics and it's hard to step back and relinquish control. Things like whether people are smoking around your child, what foods he is feeding him, his daily routine, what car seat he is using etc. I would advise you to make notes about anything which worries you, but only take steps to take anything further if you notice or suspect that harm is being caused to your child. In terms of harm this is things like mental/physical abuse, neglect, using a completely inappropriate car seat or none at all, etc - things like smoking near him, lack of daily routine, too much junk food etc are usually not considered a cause for concern, even though as a mum you may well feel they definitely are!

@Scaryprospects

It doesn’t mean seeing your partner. You can have a third party do this for you.

That's a good idea, the only problem is that all of my family live abroad, so it will be difficult to find a third party mediator.

And he lives in another town with his family. I am sure the court and judge will consider all of this when making a decision.

Speaking to Women's Aid is a really good idea from a PP :)

@Swlondon123 , I'm sorry to hear about your situation but I have no advice. I just want to know , if you can please share, some example of your ex's behaviour which deemed him coercive and controlling. Thank you.

[quote Vickyglitz]@Swlondon123 , I'm sorry to hear about your situation but I have no advice. I just want to know , if you can please share, some example of your ex's behaviour which deemed him coercive and controlling. Thank you. [/quote]
www.dcp.wa.gov.au/CrisisAndEmergency/FDV/Documents/2015/FactSheet3Perpetratorcharacteristics.pdf

@Swlondon123 can you please let me know what type of behaviour was involved? How did you log and prove it?