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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Is it normal to have lots of doubts during divorce process?

16 replies

PeaPeaEeByGum · 11/10/2020 08:30

I felt pretty sure and relieved once we’d decided to divorce. My H isn’t abusive but we’ve not had sex for 5 years and he is a workaholic who largely ignores me.
But now we have told kids I’m panicking. I feel like I can’t remember the reasons I wanted to leave (although typing the above helped!). They are devastated and I’m thinking I should have put up and shut up for their sake.
Are these normal doubts?

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 11/10/2020 08:33

Yes. Your kids will get used to it and so will you

PeaPeaEeByGum · 11/10/2020 09:36

Thanks. To the point!

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 11/10/2020 14:07

Honestly I can't think why I ever spoke to my xh never mind marry him. But, years later looking at family photos still messes a bit with my head.

mummyof2lou · 11/10/2020 17:34

I feel the same. Countdown to telling the kids and I'm dreading not being a family anymore. My decision, but doubt it every day.

JaggySplinter · 11/10/2020 21:07

No, never looked back. I know it's not that clear cut for most people, but I've been happier and more able to be myself since the day he left.

I think I'm actually in a very unusual position and most people have serious doubts along the way. I'm not yet divorced, but have been separated for 18 months.

Scaryprospects · 11/10/2020 21:39

Yes, I sometimes think staying together would be easier than getting divorced. I find every day quite hard at the moment.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 11/10/2020 21:47

I've been put 4 years and just recieved my decree absolute. I've regularly questioned myself and felt guilty and awful. Think of it this way , making the hard choice and the right choice , it's never going to be a smooth ride when you care about your DC because you are taking it seriously. You are being responsible and not flippant.

Now my dm is batshit crazy and usually massively unsupportive, but I had a wobble when I first filed and I cried thinking I had destroyed my DC family. She rang while is was crying (I blame telling her my moment of weakness on this accidental feat of perfect timing ) and she gave good advice. If I wasn't worried about it and considering the implications then it would be a problem because I wouldn't be thinking about my DC best interests and how to get them through this safely. She pointed out that because I was being responsible and thinking about what they needed was why I was so upset , I had taken the marriage seriously so the end wasn't going to be easy , that didn't mean it wasnt the right thing to do.

Now I grant you , the woman has an ongoing war with squirrels in her garden so I rarely listen to her. But blow me she was right (I did seek more rational counsel later and they said the same thing and deep down I absolutely know it to be true ).

I still find it hard some days , but they are less and less. The dc are happy, I am happy and even in his own way so is exdh. A damn sight happier than if we were together.

Ita not plain sailing but at the end it is a relief.

PeaPeaEeByGum · 12/10/2020 09:00

@Shinyletsbebadguys great advice from your squirrel fighting mother Smile

OP posts:
mamamiaow · 12/10/2020 10:25

OP I fully understand what you are going through mentally. The pressure is intense. The doubts. Squirrel Mother is completely spot on.

Nearly a year on, my child still fantasises that we will be a family again and live in the same house. It's heartbreaking. Our relationship wasn't right, but to other people it probably looked perfect. He had an affair. It was a real shock that we would split up because there were no arguments/hostility. We'd been together a long time and I will never forget my child's face when we told her. She's 9. It's the most difficult thing to see such anguish and shock, offer support when you're in turmoil yourself, getting her used to living between two houses and then came this covid life.

Anyway, my advice is go with your gut feeling. You know deep down this is the right thing to do.

Avoid looking at family photos for a while as that messes with your head.

Make a bullet list on your phone of all the things that have annoyed and upset you over the years. I'd started doing this before we split and gosh it kept me sane whenever I had doubts. I still review it. It's therapeutic and a stark reminder.

Now I'm glad I don't have to deal with him on a daily basis. I think when you are focused on family and not yourself it's easy to push your own happiness to one side.

Still struggling with my child's sadness though and it's extremely hard on the days that you don't see your children. That doesn't feel right because that's been your life. I'm not going to lie, combined with covid measures this has been a very lonely time. It's a grief - a part of your life died - but better times will come.

BaskingMad · 12/10/2020 14:09

It’s normal, mom’s advice is spot on.

I feel divorce is the right decision for me as things have been wrong for a long time and i’ve been suppressing my unhappiness for a long time. Doubts creep in because we have 2 kids. Mybson told me yesterday ‘I wish you and daddy were a nice couple’ after observing people whilst 3 of us were walking on the beach (dh didn’t join, typical). My daughter got sad on the school run today as she was missing daddy (he’s not around in the mornings but picks her up from school). She is 6 and we haven’t told her yet but i think she senses the situation...
It is sad that we won’t be a family and do things together and my kids won’t see us being loving towards each other. But this is nothing new, we’ve been distant and business like for a long time now. So i try to put a positive spin on situation for them because i think this is a short term pain for long term gain... They won’t have to live in what is not a loving environment and they will gain peaceful home and will still have both of us giving them love separately.

Scaryprospects · 13/10/2020 18:29

I’m having a rough day. Solicitor said it could take years to sort out living situation. Ex is so obstructive without moving forward. So hard knowing that he will take me back with open arms but the thought of ever getting close to him again makes my skin crawl.

But I’m finding it so hard now. Knowing it could be years away and missing out on all the special years whilst DD is little fighting a divorce.

I just want to enjoy being a mum

PeaPeaEeByGum · 13/10/2020 19:03

@Scaryprospects sorry to hear that. My H would move out tomorrow if he could. But he won’t rent so he can’t move out. Only if he buys.

I’m freaked out by how quickly everything is happening but your situation sounds much harder.

OP posts:
mummyof2lou · 13/10/2020 19:18

Equally freaked out by the quickness over here. HUGE wobbles today. Just feel like a bad mum :(

Scaryprospects · 13/10/2020 19:38

It’s hard isn’t it. But if it’s going to happen I’d rather just rip the plaster off and then everyone can concentrate on moving on.

artisanmarsbar · 13/10/2020 21:48

OP I can relate to what you write. I'm in thick of it, he's a workoholic. No sex either forever. I had a couple of doubts especially when ds told. Heartbreaking!
Then we had a 'talk' and he just reminded me how much he evades responsibility, has wishful thinking, lacks empathy etc
Then the wobble ends.
So, I'd suggest a'talk'.

Febo24 · 15/10/2020 20:54

@artisanmarsbar

OP I can relate to what you write. I'm in thick of it, he's a workoholic. No sex either forever. I had a couple of doubts especially when ds told. Heartbreaking! Then we had a 'talk' and he just reminded me how much he evades responsibility, has wishful thinking, lacks empathy etc Then the wobble ends. So, I'd suggest a'talk'.
Yes. I've had one a day since we agreed to separate on Sunday. 1) I'm knackered and 2) he's way off the mark still.

Maybe he needs the 3+ months I had fighting for us with barely anything coming back from him, to see how he feels.

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