Teen Dd has Covid, I'm facing divorce, so depressed

[Westcott313]

Dd 19 had Covid. She has mild symptoms and will be fine. But it means my other four children will be home for two weeks. They aren't all kids. Two are teens and the other two are 11 and 8. But I still have to ensure they are studying /eating /helping to keep the house clean etc.

What's worse is that my dh has been living mostly away at the care home be started nearly two years ago, coming home only two times a week, and in recent times not staying over at all. Why? Because he met someone there and has decided he is polyamorous and wants both her and me.

We've fought on this for over a year
My mental health has suffered and I'm now going to seek a divorce because last Sunday I walked in on her and him at his work place. He had told me she no longer works there. And that although he wants to be with her he's waiting for me to give him permission to be with her.

I'm so tired. I thought things were finally going back to normal last Saturday. I'm shocked that everything is actually over

Although my kids are older I feel an overwhelming sense of responsibility. My husband use to take care of all odd jobs in the house. The fridge is displaying a fault, the cat flap (fancy sensor one) isn't working, dds new carpet is coming in two weeks and the floor boards need tightening, the ikea wardrobes he bought recently are still in the hallway etc etc.

I don't want to call him back to deal with this stuff because that's exactly what he wants. That way he can ease himself back in my life. He's being cautioned at work as I informed the manager what dh and the ow was doing. So now he's gone into hiding somewhere keeping his phone switched off for most of the time. He's waiting for things to simmer down he said.

I'm just so angry and hurt. My heart is aching. We've been together for 29 years since I was 16. I had so many hopes and dreams. I know most will say I can get better but I belong to a community where divorced women are deemed used goods.

I feel lonely especially now that we have to self isolate. I really need my friends and family around right now. And I need to get out but obviously can't.

How shall I keep busy and how shall I give my younger kids time and attention when I'm feeling like this?

I wake up in the night so sad. Because for a moment everything is normal until reality hits me with a wave. I'll never get back what I've lost. I just want the divorce done so I can move on.

He's a tosser.
Get the teenagers to build the wardrobes, it will be educational.
If you don't feel able to try them yourself, call a handyman service for all the other little jobs - put against household bills. But I think you would get a huge sense of satisfaction in trying to do them yourself and proving to yourself and the kids that you are a capable adult woman.

Google YouTube to tell you how to do most household chores. There is probably even a video walkthrough of the wardrobes if you look.

What an absolute bastard and this new relationship of his is very likely to fail.

Two weeks feels like an age now but it will pass. Write a list of all the things that need doing. Just start doing them. @Athrawes is right there's YouTube videos for everything and you have the labourers ready and willing in your house. Even the 8 and 11 year old will help.

Get that solicitor ball rolling too so you feel like you are making headway in that department.

He sounds like a child by the way and very selfish. How off putting.

Polyamorous my arse! He just old fashioned wants his cake and eats it. Twat.

As @Athrawes and @footprintsintheslow said YouTube is fantastic for ‘how to’ videos.

Honestly, I’ve learnt so many household skills using YouTube and have been able to do so much around the house with the teenagers. DD2 is a huge fan of YouTube and uses it for everything from changing the oil filter on her car to learning how to pack a suitcase.

I’m sorry your husband is being such an arse, he’s not polyamorous, he’s just selfish and a sleeze.

What a wanker ! Polygamy my foot! Tosser!

Get the kids involved with all the things which need doing, use utube and google to get ideas.

Keep telling yourself how lucky you are to have wonderful kids and a chance to make a new life for yourself without a deadbeat husband

I'm so sorry to read your post. Your children will be there for you. Now's the time to pull together. They must have an idea things are weird. Sit down the older two and ask for help in making the two weeks work. Don't bad mouth their dad (yet) keep it as functional as you can.
Also use zoom and your phone to keep in contact with your family and friends.
Good luck!

My kids are great but honestly I've done a shit job managing them this year and they do what they can but after that it's hwk, Netflix and friends. I live in a big house and tbh I'm not worried about the wardrobes because I'll call someone in. It just feels overwhelming. I've never lived alone, never been independent but I am coping. I just need to stop feeling the anxiety, the pain. In the end he says he never intended to hurt anyone. She was going through a v low point after losing her husband and her etc. But that still doesn't mean he had the right to step all over me.

I know ill be OK. But I didn't expect dd's positive result. I really need to get out and breathe. A friend suggested breathing videos on YouTube.

It'll be OK. We'll be OK. Thanks for responding

Cat flap - either sensors dirty or low batteries give it a really good clean with dilute washing up liquid. Change batteries.
Google fridge make model and fault code.
Get teens to help you wardrobes whilst you are in isolation.
Book handy man to tighten floor boards.
Whilst in isolation sit all kids down discuss dividing up jobs to help you.
You can do this, small straps at a time.

I found keeping a journal writing down all the angry thoughts really helped me.

You need some space and time op. Don't expect too much of yourself too early on.

Bloody hell, what an absolute pig! I was with my ex H from 16 to 35 and it hurt like hell when we split (still hurts sometimes years later) and the anxiety is huge when you have been with someone your whole adult life, so I get exactly where you are coming from.

However you can and you will do without him. You can pick yourself up and you can be independent. You need to repeat that to yourself every day. Positive self affirmations to change how you view yourself. You are not used goods, that is rubbish, anyone who ever thought that is a nasty waste of space. You are a mother with a whole lot of experience and a whole lot to give, and once you free yourself from this man you can blossom without him.

You do not need him. You are worth so much more.

Thank you. I turn 45 this month and the grey hairs are coming with a vengeance. My kids are starting to get on board, they're just doen because they can't see their friends and of course they know dad's not coming back.

I've never known grief to feel this strong. I wish I could move house. Too many memories in this house and town...

I got the house and it's true there are too many memories here. I've redecorated some rooms and that does help but I cant afford to change the sofa or the flooring or light fittings, all the things we chose together in the early days. So I get where you are coming from, the grief is horrid and the memories that grab you feel almost intrusive as you do not want to think about them.

Try to whenever possible focus on the present time and not the past or the future.

Easier said than done I know! Try making note of what you are grateful for today, an app I use is called 'bliss' it helps taking time out to focus on what I am grateful for, the positives in my life. You will slowly realise you have so much and you are worth so much more than you think. By focusing on these things you will think less about what you think you have lost and more about what you have and hope to achieve for yourself. Reach out to friends and relatives and accept their support.

It's hard. Be strong. You can do it. Hugs xxx