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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

When you've tried everything to save it

18 replies

Febo24 · 09/10/2020 18:36

Hello!

Long story short - discovered husband has been camming, it's something that's been part of our lives for as long as we've been together, only I didn't quite know it. Anyways, I'm not here to argue the toss about porn, what I know is it's broken our trust, detached him from his values and put our relationship on the line.

I am having therapy to help me navigate this (betrayal trauma due to his sex addiction)

He had some therapy but ultimately doesn't think he's got a problem .

I've tried loads of approaches , bought books everything. Yet I just don't think he is doing enough, he's so passive.

I'm approaching the end of the line. I've explored separation in my head, I'm scared of being lonely, I'm scared of hurting everyone in our lives even though he's the one who's messed up.

But I believe I deserve more and my kids do too.

I'm sure he's just waiting for me to do it, as is typical in our relationship, I am left to steer the boat.

When did you know you'd reached your line? How much more do I try?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 09/10/2020 18:41

How much more do I try?

"I" try? You are not in this marriage alone. If it could be fixed, it would take both of you with the same level of commitment. Your husband clearly can't be bothered, if fact he seemingly doesn't even think he bears any responsibility for the breakdown of your relationship.

Your marriage is over. I would stop wasting my time if I were you.

Original poster
Febo24 · 09/10/2020 18:42

I should add, this happened 3 months ago, during lockdown and we both work full time from home. Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Febo24 · 09/10/2020 18:47

@Aquamarine1029

How much more do I try?

"I" try? You are not in this marriage alone. If it could be fixed, it would take both of you with the same level of commitment. Your husband clearly can't be bothered, if fact he seemingly doesn't even think he bears any responsibility for the breakdown of your relationship.

Your marriage is over. I would stop wasting my time if I were you.

Oh he's 'tried'. He's stopped camming.

But not stopped engaging with porn.

And that's it.

But he's stopped camming so I'm ordering his certificate and medal for the prize giving ceremony Hmm

OP posts:
RandomMess · 09/10/2020 18:56

Sounds like you are at the end.

What do you need to have the confidence to end it?

Perhaps reframe it

"H has a porn addiction he isn't willing to try and end so it's over"

He is ending it with his choice.

I would focus on the practical things, such as can you get him to move out (assuming you are primary carer)?

Aquamarine1029 · 09/10/2020 18:57

My respect for him would be completely gone, and I personally wouldn't believe him that he's stopped using the cam sites. He's just hiding it better. He doesn't appear to be too concerned about your marriage or your feelings.

Original poster
Febo24 · 09/10/2020 19:04

@Aquamarine1029 me either. Its either stopped or it'll come back and he'll not blink an eye at lying to me.

I guess I wanted to be able to say I'd tried my best, and I think I can say that.

OP posts:
SteelMack · 11/10/2020 08:28

I'm in a similar situation OP, I haven't got any words of advice but I just want to share with you that I know exactly how you feel.

The betrayal is different in my case (hookup sites) but the behaviour, the apathy, the half-arsed attempts from him to do better whilst I'm killing myself mentally to try and 'fix' it on my own. It's soul destroying!

I'm kicking mine out today..... decision made! We got this! Thanks

BloodyMiserable · 11/10/2020 08:50

Sometimes there is no coming back from something like this, and it signifies the end.

For me, it was a partner who was categorically told that I would not tolerate his continued laziness round the house & lack of interaction with family life.

He was out of work & sat round doing nothing, despite that conversation. It was a clear choice on his part, and very manipulative. I now look back now & can see it clearly. It was him trying to make out he was the victim in this. Awful.

It is about lack of respect, fundamental incompatibility, your values are out of kilter. It does not sound like he is taking accountability, probably as he sees nothing wrong with it.

Thanks
Original poster
Febo24 · 11/10/2020 10:05

Thanks all.

I'm going to talk about trial separation with him later on tonight. Although I doubt we come back from it, I feel this is the rifht approach for us after reading up about it on Relate. Feels like I'm still protecting him TBH but maybe it's a soft landing for me to as I'm grappling with a new and busy job.

I tend to really think and mull things over and this is where I've landed. We'll see what he says.

@SteelMack I'm sorry you're going through it, if it helps I've had a lot of help from The Laurel Centre (by Paula Hall). I am having therapy with a therapist who specialises in the area and it's probably saved my sanity.

OP posts:
Original poster
Febo24 · 11/10/2020 10:28

@BloodyMiserable we were already in a crappy place. So this feels like the final nail really. What's been an eye opener is that I carried all the guilt of our relationship faking away - he allowed me to, and now I know what I know, i realise that his addiction fed into it. Plus I now know he probably hadn't thought about it as much as me or felt any guilt given his reaction to all this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Febo24 · 11/10/2020 10:28

*fading away.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 11/10/2020 11:40

I wonder if the marriage "suits him" minimal effort, always had his porn addiction so never fully invested in you sort of thing...

AnnaMagnani · 11/10/2020 11:48

A marriage is a team. In a team everybody tries and they all work to the same goal.

If fundamentally you don't have the same goals, and it sounds as if you don't, then it's over.

Sadly it sounds as if you weren't a team from the start, just you only just found out SadFlowers

Original poster
Febo24 · 11/10/2020 12:14

That's what I'm coming to realise.

OP posts:
PebblesE · 11/10/2020 15:00

I’m wondering the same about my marriage. Almost a year in to him breaking trust and it doesn’t seem to feel happier.
I think I’m waiting for things to go back to how I felt about him before I found out but, how on earth does that happen?
I think perhaps once you’ve had such negative feeling towards your partner, it’s almost impossible to reverse it and be happy with the connection

Original poster
Febo24 · 11/10/2020 23:08

So it's done, he wasn't hugely surprised and admitted he'd not have the balls to say it.

He also said he felt he didn't have any fight, which is really sad. That's exactly the problem. Now he has to figure out why.

Sad times.

OP posts:
SteelMack · 12/10/2020 06:48

@Febo24

So it's done, he wasn't hugely surprised and admitted he'd not have the balls to say it.

He also said he felt he didn't have any fight, which is really sad. That's exactly the problem. Now he has to figure out why.

Sad times.

Well done, that must have been so hard for you but you will definitely be happier in the long run, it's no way to live. Next few days/weeks will no doubt be tough but I bet in a years time you'll be so much happier x
Original poster
Febo24 · 12/10/2020 07:14

I've just got to hang on to that knowledge. Or spend a minute contemplating continuing as we were which just wasn't sustainable.

OP posts:
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