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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

My head is such a mess

5 replies

Audi80 · 08/10/2020 22:30

Hi so long story short I havnt wanted to be physically connected to my husband for way over a year now although it’s very one sided on my part I did tell him my feelings back then but he begged me to ‘try’ and work on things and out of guilt and for an easier life I suppose I agreed, it kind of then got brushed under the carpet a bit and fast forward to now a year later....recently it’s got worse and I’ve become very snappy and cold towards him the atmosphere is constantly tense it’s awful. I’ve lost it today and broke down telling him again that I can’t carry on like this and I dint know how I feel about him, he’s got really angry and extremely upset.
I’m feeling so confused and I dint know where to go from here, I do love him but not in a physically way, I care and worry about him but I can’t see a way around this as if the physical attraction has gone it’s never going to work.
But head tells me we need to go our seperate ways but I feel physically sick at it being so official and I’m scared I’m making a huge mistake.
Has anyone been through the same that can share there experiences and outcome please, I feel so sad and confused I’m worried I will stay through guilt and an easy life and still be going round in cork lea another year down the line Hmm

OP posts:
mummyof2lou · 09/10/2020 07:12

Sorry you're going through this. Do you have children? I'm in the same position but further down the line. The reality of what life will look like on my own is so scary I actually feel like backing out but feel like it's too late. By reality of being on my own I mean financials, downsizing, being a single mum. Going to look at some houses this weekend and dreading the reality check they will bring. It's been 6 months since we decided on this, and weekends are just living in limbo as we no longer make family plans. I've gone from part time to full time at work and that feels really stressful. Life just feels very flat and very hard. I sometimes now wonder if maybe sex and physical attraction is all that important compared to everything I will lose. But...that's a bad day thought. Some days I feel more positive. It's so up and down emotionally if you're not 100% sure it's the right thing to do

Audi80 · 09/10/2020 07:21

Yes 2 children age 13 and 16.
This is the thing I keep thinking I’m crazy as he loves me and I’m lucky to be wanted but then I have to keep reminding myself of how long I’ve been unhappy for and all the reasons I’m in this mess mainly his negative attitude, they are things that won’t change as they are part of his personality and not choice.
Financially I have no idea what will happen, I think I can afford to stay in the house but I’m not sure he’d go and if he did all I think he could afford is a small flat which will be no good for the children. The only way for him to re-buy would be for us to sell the house but I wouldn’t be able to re buy and would therefore only afford to rent a small flat at best. How would that work with 2 kids, dogs and cats. God such a mess

OP posts:
Audi80 · 09/10/2020 07:24

Is there something behind your loss of physical attraction towards him? Mine is due to resentment and loss of respect so it goes a bit further, he is an attractive man physically, but not mentally so I don’t see how it’s fixable

OP posts:
mummyof2lou · 09/10/2020 14:25

All I would say is those financial and logistical worries seem a lot worse when they become more real. I guess it's a balance of how bad it is. For me the loss of attraction is just that we're more like friends. He doesn't make me feel special, desired, attractive etc. He's never had a high sex drive either which makes the lack of affection harder to take. Sex in the end became a meand to an end for both of us. No kissing, no passion, no flirting and stuff before. I think I just can't stand the thought of living like this forever. Now it's been so long I can't imagine having sex with him or kissing him. I feel bad about that but it's hard to flick a switch

Shunter350 · 16/10/2020 14:18

Hi Audi80 and mummyoflou2.
I have a very similar story except I’m a bloke and been married 25 years. I care about my wife but no longer have any ‘feelings’ for her. We’re like a brother and sister who don’t particularly get along. We still share the same bed.
I am on anti depressants over my marriage.
I started the process back in August after a breakdown. I just told the kids (21/24) a couple of days ago. That took weeks of building up courage. I’m relieved I did it but my wife is upset I did as I think she’s in denial.
Anyway think of what you eventually want.
I want to be in a warm loving relationship something that we as a couple have had only very briefly.
Prepare yourself mentally and rely heavily on your support network.
That’s it- what do you want in the future?
Good luck, take care and bless you.

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