Advice...on dealing with unwanted advice

[Whatonearth2020]

Help please. Long story short - discovered H in office fling last Sep. Cue months of appalling drunken behaviour while he decided what he wanted to do. Culminated in him telling me he was finished at the start of lockdown. Left in July. Said he never wanted to marry me, have children - list goes on. This month would be our 14th wedding anniversary.

I have the 3 DS (12 and under) 70:30. They care for him and I know this is important - would not try to affect in any way. However I am bearing the full strain of their bemusement and grief - none of us had any idea before that night I found the messages - and they had none until we told them. They love him but he doesn’t express emotion and they are not talking to him at all about how they are feeling.

Now he has started to criticise me for every little thing to do with parenting - I thanked DS1 for emptying dishwasher - but didn’t tell him why I was thanking him. I asked DS3 where his jumper was - but apparently it’s not his ‘role’ to know where his jumper is. My invitation to come and see DS2 on the morning of an exam was wrong because it would not be ‘normal’ for him to see him. My attempt to help DS3 eat healthily and excercise after he’s being picked on for lockdown weight is simply setting him up for failure because he can’t possibly drop the chocolate and run about a bit without feeling punished. I could go on.

There’s a lot of criticism of me for grieving / crying and using ‘inflammatory’ language like suggesting a mediator for finances, but it’s this criticism of my parenting that’s really getting to me.

I work two jobs, and now parent 3 boys pretty much on my own. He is living the life of a teenage playboy.

I want to keep things civilised for the DS but at the same time I’m fuming.

Should I laugh it off or tell him where to get off? Or is he actually right??

How does he know your son emptied the dishwasher and your other son couldn't find his jumper?

He was round at mine for DS2 birthday when he emptied the dishwasher and DS3 texted him to ask if he’d left the jumper at his

Sounds like no matter what you do he's going to criticise.

Not surprised this is getting you down. It's nasty and unnecessary. At this point I think you need to keep contact to a minimum. Keep it brief and functional. Do not engage in any conversation other than to do with kids. Do not have him round to your house. You are still in the early stages and need time to work out how to get on. In the mean time it's worth cutting back to protect yourself and keep things civil.

If it's only when he's round yours for birthdays (3 a year) then I'd just ignore, but it sounds like this is more than that.
Have him pick the kids up at the door. Keep communication to a minimum.
Ongoing, can't you split 'special' occasions 50/50? Or they have an extra celebration at Dad's? Far less tension for the kids to pick up on. Lets face it, you've split so they will get used to the new normal.
You have been through a shock and it's natural to think you need to keep things 'normal'. You sound like a great Mum and a good person. You will get through this. x

I'm sure you are a great Mum.

He sounds terrible. I would ignore him unless it's absolutely necessary to reply and keep it to the minimum or insist he communicates via a third party. They get so annoyed when you ignore them.

If he doesn't want to mediate finances, start court proceedings.