How to separate?

[liliastar1]

I've been married for 22 years and now really wanting to separate from my husband. I think I've not been happy for several years, been really suppressing "me" but lockdown has weirdly triggered acknowledging how I really feel. Before I was just resigned to putting up. And now it's like the genie is out the bottle. Husband is a good man but we don't talk, haven't been intimate for 5-6 years, don't touch and I don't want to. We are civil except I find myself getting really snappy with him. The differences between us that didn't matter so much earlier are now yawning (he's very introvert, won't move out his comfort zone; I'm quite sociable, like new things, feel quite young). He won't acknowledge what's (not) happening. We can't afford to separate and he move out, not for a couple of years. We have a daughter who is 15. Communication between us is pretty zilch. I just feel like crying as there's such a massive gap between us now, I feel so frustrated and irritated. Where do I go from here?

This sounds very tiring and hard. Start by writing down what your ideal life looks like, what you want and work back from there.
It really finds someone to speak to, counsellor, therapist, someone to stand beside you through this transition.
You can realise what you want, we have one life, no regrets. Don't underestimate getting what you need. All the best.

Thank you. That's a really good suggestion. I just know where this is going. Some days, like today, things are kind of ok then it all bumps right down again.

I hear you sister. Same situation here. It’s like I am just counting days for my only son to become 18 ( 2 more years). I my dream on the day of his 18th, I pack my bags and leave to unknow destination. My son was all I ever wanted hence got married to a big baby who needed a carer. 17 years later I have 2 kids to care for financially, mentally, 130%. As result of this overload of responsibility I got fibromyalgia & chronic fatigue but still push on & provide . Why ? Because I feel responsible for my son. I brought him to this world. As for his big baby dad it has got to a point where he can’t survive in the world without my money ( he does 2 hrs dog walking to pay for his mobile ). The lawyers said if I divorce him , I have to sell family home & give him everything I worked my self sick to pay for . Because u have done it 17 years he needs to be maintained ( as he has nothing & no income ). I have come to conclusion that it is better for me if I just leave then I don’t have to give him 50% of my inheritance from my father . I feel stuck, I feel like a mug and a free maid only one with phD!

I think if you decide to stay together you both need to acknowledge that you need to behave better than is being described in your post. It’s not fair on your daughter or each other. If you are not able to do that then you both need to face the financial consequences and split.

I don’t know why the finances would be better the longer you wait with a 15 year old. This sounds like an excuse to stay with the familiar even if it is unpleasant. That’s a decision you make for yourself not your child. And, as harsh as this sounds, you and your husband are causing an atmosphere.

The common sticking point of "not being able to afford to split" is a red herring.

I got to the point that I was prepared to eat in a soup kitchen and live in a hostel rather than continue in my marriage.

It's about facing up to the reality of what the alternative life looks like, then making a plan. Yes, it's scary. But it's always do-able.