2 part question. Telling the childrem + seeing the children

[Jimd2020]

ive posted in a couple of other threads giving my views from the other side of when a relationship breaks down.
ie we had a very happy family life but my wife wasnt happy with us as a couple and that part of the relationship.

so we are now at the stage where we need to tell the children what is happening (i am due to move out next month)
I have no idea where to start with this and its honestly the bit which is hurting the most.
they are 6 & 9. the 9yr old being very much a daddys girl.

i know it will need to be done together and there is no blame for it but i just have no idea how to approach the subject.

the 2nd part is how often to see them.
we are going to form a seperation agreement between us as we are very amicable and we want to stay a team for the chlidren as ultimately they are the most important thing for us.

my view was that every other weekend friday - monday and then every wednesday night was a good starting point?

its been discussed that i can see them when i want and any time the children want to come over they can but id feel better have some "set" days aswell.

do you think this is reasonable. 50/50 isnt feasable as my company are not very lienient when it comes to working hours.

Sounds a good start
Just be flexible in that their needs and wants change over time and as they become teenagers
If you and your ex are able to maintain a civil and amicable ( ish) relationship going forward you will all get through this

Don’t forget holidays too

do i put holidays in the agreement or is it better to just go with the flow with things like that?

(ie id be extemely lucky to be able to get a specific set of days every half term off work)

whereas the ex works at the school.

i think we would be sensible with thngs where the children are concered. the ex understands that im a good dad.

how do you intiate the conversation aobut telling the children? my assumption would something like a friday night would be better so they have the weekend to think about it all. and so they wouldnt be sat all day with it on their mind.

Just state half of all holidays ( if that us what you’re aiming for ) and alternate birthdays/Christmas etc

With regard telling them, be factual and give lots of assurances . Explain you both love them, that you will be living elsewhere and they will still come and see you
Be prepared for tears from the eldest, youngest may not seem bothered but that’s due to age
Let them know that it’s ok to feel sad/upset/angry/confused

the idea is to still spend birthdays and christmas day together with them. (i understand this isnt ideal for the long term as peoples lives change and ultimately one of us could be in a new relationship which would complicate matters) but at least for now i think its worth trying to get this to work.

ultimately (after 2 years) im assuming divorce will be the result. at which point we can re-look at how things have gone and work from there.

thankyou, is it better to tell them both at the same time or seperate would you think? i just worry the little one would see her elder sister being upset and assume thats how you're supposed to react.

I read the book "parenting apart", it is very good with very practical advice
I would tell them together - similar ages here and the youngest was the most together about it
I would say the best thing is to have definite plans ready to tell them ie when and what exactly is the routine - we took them to the new house that day
The biggest problem was my eldest thinking it meant we would never speak to each other again and that we would essentially be enemies - that is what was in her head as what it meant

It’s wise to be realistic that things change and as you mth move on birthdays/ Christmas are less likely to be shared. It can work for some but others find it confusing and gives children false sense of hope of a reconciliation.
Okay it by ear I think but separate ones probably best in my view

How did it go telling the DC @Jimd2020 (if you don't mind me asking).

completely different to how i expected.

eldest was upset until she was promised a present to cheer her up.

youngest was fine ish. she says she's sad and her way of coping has been to count down the days 🤦‍♂️

but have tried to keep it in conversation since then. let them pick some bedding and keep them involved with how they want their room.

they seem generally ok which was a massive weight lifted. i know they knew things havent been right for a while (sleeping arangements, lack of communication etc) so i guess theyve just accepted things were going to change. its hard to know how theyre really feeling.

Well done @Jimd2020 - it sounds like you're trying really hard to do this in an amicable way. It definitely can be done, and I really hope that you manage it. I always think that couples who divorce "well" should be proud of doing so.

@WhatWillSantaBring

Well done *@Jimd2020* - it sounds like you're trying really hard to do this in an amicable way. It definitely can be done, and I really hope that you manage it. I always think that couples who divorce "well" should be proud of doing so.

theres no reason for it to not stay amicable in my eyes. i know the wife feels the same. we both know that the children are the most important part in this so making the transition as smooth as possible is the best route.

i know you can never plan for the future (especially true these days) but the things that would likely to cause issues would be if new people are introduced.

Thanks for this post. We're planning to tell our 6&8 yo on the first Saturday in half term, then they have all weekend to process and ask questions.

We will be 'bird-nesting' for the first three months, so we do the moving between this house and a house we're renting from friends. We're going to be really clear on the schedule and also give them a schedule of family activities. Enough to make them feel that they don't need to contrive to get us together, but not so much that they get confused.

I'm basically planning to get a whiteboard out and do a PowerPoint presentation.

We've got some set days but it's going to be pretty free flowing. Theres not hate between us so we'll just take the lead of the children and give them the choice of when they want to be at which place. It's a 5min drive between the houses.

Moving day is tomorrow, I'm quite nervous.

We're doing set Mon/Tue and Wed/Thur with alternating weekends. We'll keep Friday and Sunday flexible depending on who's weekend it is as we don't want to have too many days away from them. Unless they decide they want different of course.

Is everything amicable in your situation?

At the moment, yes! And I have no desire for it not to be.

We have friends who are like model co-parents so we are hoping to pick their brains about how to make it work.

I'm aware though that I'm further ahead in my thinking than he is, he betrayed me 3 months ago but the penny is only just dropping now for him. So as he works through this he may get frustrated or angry with me/him/us.

Good luck today. Let us know how you go and how the kids have been. My 8yo is a mummy's girl so that's who I'm most worried about.

AHH good, and at least you have friends that have been through this to help you along your journey.

Sorry to hear he betrayed you.

My eldest is a daddy's girl which is what I was worried about too.

Is it you moving out or him?

Kids are currently excited to come around later and have a look around. As we've spoken about it quite a bit the last few weeks they are prepared so think they'll be fine initially. I think it will hit them more over the next few weeks though, when they realised how much time I spend with them normally.

Currently it's both of us, we're bird nesting for the initial period which means the kids stay here and we are the ones who come and go.

Not sustainable for the longer term but a nice buffer zone for now.

We are renting a house nearby for the days when it's now our turn with the kids.

AHH yeah sorry you did say before.

I'd it's working for you right now then run with it.

My move went as expected really, I was too busy to have any real emotion so I'm sure it will sink in more over the coming days. My children came over and were very excited and are looking forward to staying over which is good.

It's very strange and will take some getting used to but it needed to be done. A new chapter