Staying - for the good of the kids?

[Febo24]

Hello!

I'm at the 'thinking about it' stage. I won't go into why at the moment (apart from to say that we were already struggling and now he's fucked up) but I'm thinking and obviously feeling really sad and guilty about my kids.

I have a 6yo and a 8yo and my 8yo in particular is a very anxious child. I'm so worried about breaking her further if we decide to separate.

I am sure that in the long run, done well, it can be okay. But I guess this feeds into my guilt of wanting better than this for me and them.

Anyone have any assurances that kids can go on and be okay with separated parents?

Thanks,

Fi

Hi. I was in your position 9 months ago with similar aged children - 4 and 8 at the time. Having to make the decision to leave (which I know was the right decision) but knowing how it would hurt my children tore me apart.
I'm not going to lie, the telling them was awful. This will stay with me for a very long time but honestly by the next day things were a lot better.
They are now both happy children who have not only managed this but also lockdown etc too.
But and this is a big but, we put them first at every step. They have not seen me and ex argue, they have not had to listen to little jibes about each other or meeting new partners before they are ready. We are amicable for them and can even do family meals together. We for example went kayaking for the youngest's birthday. This has been hard, especially when they do talk about it all (they don't know that we split because their dad cheated over and over again and broke my heart).
But I made it out in my head to be the worst thing that ever could happen to them. It's not, I promise. We are happy. Yes they would rather we were together, but I'm happier and eventually they will understand this.
I hope that reassures you. I would also recommend counselling for you... I'm going now to deal with guilt of breaking up the family unit.

Just wanted to say I understand and am in a very similar situation. I flit between the two options constantly. It's all consuming, I really feel for you x

IMO the most important thing for kids is that their parents are happy.

Although you breaking up may not be what they think they want short term, modelling a relationship where you are unhappy and annoyed with each other is really bad for them long term.

Don't stay together "for the kids" if you're not happy. Do what you'd want your daughter to do in your situation.

Thank you so much for your responses.

I'm having therapy to work through the betrayal trauma caused by what's gone on, and it was actually in therapy that I was finally able to give voice to the little voice in my head that's telling me it's over, and I've probably been keeping down for a long time before I discovered what was going on.

Like you Workals, we've been keeping a lid on everything and the kids don't see any negative behaviour. And I would really like us to be a really cooperative coparents.

But what else do they see? Me drafting about the house all sad, us not showing any affection?

My 6yo asked if we were going to break up even! Although that was because she was talking her friends parents but it did make me wonder!

Thanks again for your assurances.

I tell to what though, all this pretending is EXHAUSTING!

I agree with you on the example setting of not being affectionate. I feel the same. I don't want to role model that to my children. It's so hard to strike the balance between being happy yourself and not compromising their happiness.