45 married and all over the place

[sadconfusedscared]

A complete blurgh coming but I really don't know what else to do....

I have been with my wife 10 years married, we have a child under 10. For the last few years I really feel like I just don't have that excitement for us anymore. We rent in London, have very little in the way of savings.

We have had a few tough talks recently and I dont think we are on the same page. She hasn't earned much money since our child was born but thats not because she was being the typical housewife, she has been trying to get her own business up and running and taken contract jobs as well as spent years developing her network. In the meantime I have been in a well paid job that I despise, I hate it and it tears me up inside every day. I cannot give it up or move or pursue my dreams because I pay for everything whilst she has the safety net of a roof over her head and bills paid for - I want to support her dream, but I told her I resented her for this recently.

I said I want to have the same opportunity as her, I want to look back on my life and say I did a job I loved, that meant something, that I am proud of what I did. It didn't go down well, she told me she will just get a well paid job but she would hate it. We discussed the property ladder but she says she wants to contribute but I see time running out, I don't want to hit 50 and renting.

She has a tough time, she is really tight with money because she doesn't earn any but she seems to be just hanging on for a pipe dream that hasnt materialised, yet its always a case of 'lets see next month I could get this or that' but it never does - it's a pipe dream funded by me as I suffer.

I have been reading about divorce, it seems the courts would take the view that I would need to support her and my son if we broke up - this seems grossly unfair as she hasn't been a housewife at all, our son goes to after school clubs so she doesn't have to pick him up at 3:20 and she can do her work thing which is emailing people on linkedin and networking. She isn't sacrificing her career or money because of our child but I am terrified thats how it will play out.

I'm in pieces, I have never been so low, I cannot speak properly at the moment and Im shutting down as a person, I cry a lot on my own.

She is lovely, kind hearted, but I don't feel passion for her anymore and I am so alone.

You sound a little depressed

Do you have any hobbies ?

Do you have friends you can talk to or a work place helpline/doctor

Under the current virus climate it is not easy to change jobs or get a new job

Why don't you suggest to your DW that she needs to get a paid job by Xmas ( you do the childcare while she is at work eves or weekends) & she continues her other "work" the rest of the time. Does her " work" make any money ?

Thanks, she won’t work evenings or weekends. I have plenty of hobbies but they are just sticky plasters - the issues here are so much bigger they don’t suppress them. We spoke about deadlines for getting work and she outright refused saying she didn’t want the pressure.

Unless you earn a very high salary you won’t be expected to ‘keep’ her. She’ll be expected to fund herself especially if your child is school age
You’ll be expected to pay child maintenance and maybe some spousal possibly for a short time but it’s not a case that she’ll be awarded everything and you nothing. It doesn’t work like that and she’ll be expected to become financially independent

It sounds like you need to have a serious discussion with her, perhaps setting out deadlines, and be prepared to follow through

Do you think her getting a ‘proper’ job will solve your problems or is it deeper than that

She's being unreasonable because it is unacceptable to get that she might be expected to do what you are doing each day.
It isn't reasonable to listen to someone needing change because the status quo is making them suffer and refuse to consider it.
If you hadn't supported her dreams at all then that would seem unfair but since she has had a fair crack of the whip and it hasn't really got off the ground she needs to stop taking the financial buoyancy you're providing for granted and face reality.
If your needs can be put on the same footing as her own in being given due consideration and respect maybe the marriage could be salvaged. If not then it would seem you are with someone who doesn't want to listen to inconvenient truths which is not a sustainable situation for a marriage.
If you feel she could still be made to see how imbalanced the situation is and take joint decisions accordingly try that first as that could assist your present state of mind. If not then I can't see how you can carry on being treated like you matter less than her business opportunity.
Your child support will be linked to your earnings I believe so if you leave her and re-think your job and life you won't have to pay what you can afford now and if she doesn't like that... She should have thought of that earlier.

It’s a tough one OP. I can’t believe a PP asked if you had any hobbies, seems a little patronising, this clearly isn’t the issue here. It seems you have lost respect for your wife as you feel you are shouldering most (all) of the financial burden. Can you talk to your wife about how your are feeling, without accusation or expectation? Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, and sometimes there’s only so much one party can take when it’s unequal.

That said, its not clear what you want - to make this work, or to separate?

This is unfair. I despise women who rely on men.
If you have to be in a job you hate , why shouldn't she ?
Is there a possibility you can change jobs?
Can you move somewhere cheaper to get on the ladder ?