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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Please advise

10 replies

dean247 · 16/09/2020 19:15

Please bear with me

I've been married for 11 years, together 23. We have a 6 year old.

Husband is perfect, couldn't do enough for me, great father, provider.

I have a lot of love for him, just don't love him in that way anymore. We are best friends, we can have a meal, watch the tv, go for a drink, have a laugh. The romantic side has just gone for me but unfortunately not for him.
There has been no sexual contact for a couple of months now however hubby is trying hard with affection.

I have told him 2 weeks ago that I would like some space on my own, this caused a horrendous argument and alot of tears.

Agreed to leave it a few weeks to calm down and we would see where we are.

A couple of weeks later, all I can think of is moving out and living alone

I work school hours (30 a week) and earn around £1100.00 a month.
I can rent a house for around £700.00 where I live that would allow me to keep my job and child in the same school.
Hubby has a good job around £50k a year.
I've calculated my outgoings and would just be short every month on my salary for all the bills and food.
Hubby & I would go 50/50 on childcare so nothing to be paid from either side there

Would I be entitled to universal credit? Never claimed benefits in my life and have no idea how to go about it. Hubby seemed to think I wouldn't be able to cope on my own with my salary and it turns out he is right.

We would obviously sell our house and I would have some equity from that, however that's going to take time.

I have emailed my local CAB however they will not speak to me over email, it has to be via phone. With current restrictions, everyone working from home that phone call is not possible.

Also any advice on how to tell him it's over? I have tried once with a huge row.
I feel i'm going to have to be harsh & firm in my approach, however when it is just one side that wants the separation it's difficult. Last time I mentioned hubby cried and cried.

Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Jimd2020 · 17/09/2020 22:58

You would get UC yes, there is a calculator online which you can put in all the details. :-
www.entitledto.co.uk/

It is very hard yes and being on the recieving end of a situation almost exactly the same as yours (I'm the male in the relationship) I can say it's devastating from this end.

I'm still going through the whole process currently so it's still fresh and sore but I know I will come out the other end eventually. It's a huge adjustment and very hard to come to terms with but sometimes these things happen.

If you have any other questions that you might need advice on from the other perspective please feel free to message and I'll help where I can.

Stegasaurusmum · 17/09/2020 23:13

I'm now separated from my husband, similar story, except he wasn't an excellent dad, he was withdrawn and emotionally indifferent and left about 90% of it up to me, despite me working full time. I ended up resenting him so much. It was eating me up.

It's horrible, I'm still having therapy to deal with the guilt and the realisation of the hurt I've caused as he didn't want it. We lived together for 6 months after the split... But I reason with myself, I couldn't have carried on as I was, I would have hurt him and our children more if we'd stayed together. We went to counselling... I knew at the start my heart wasn't in it. It did help though.
I stayed in the house, he pays the minimum for the children and only has them 2 x a week.
With 50/50, could you work more? I have found that I'm OK for money but I just have to keep a very close eye on it. I try to save even a few pounds a month, for a rainy day.
It costs less as the nights they aren't here I obviously don't have to feed them etc... Its not much but it helps. I am very happy though, I dont miss him.
No advice really. But just do it as kindly as you can, remember that you both deserve a relationship where you are in love... I don't mean like ridiculous first flush, but just having that affection, the connection. We all deserve that.
.

Sciencebabe · 17/09/2020 23:21

You would get child maintenance from him. Also, in your current financial position I would go for a 2 bed flat, not a house.
Have you thought of couples therapy? Or maybe a separation and have sex with other people? (I only say this because I know a couple the same as you and a few months apart, having sexual experiences with other people saved them and helped relight the passion).

dean247 · 18/09/2020 12:08

@jimd2020
thank you for your reply - very much appreciated. Do you really feel like you will come out the other side or am I potentially going to ruin my husbands life?

OP posts:
dean247 · 18/09/2020 12:10

@Sciencebabe
We would have a 50/50 split so wouldn't need child maintenance would I?
Also in my area a house/flat are pretty much same cost - Doesn't really make a difference

@Stegasaurusmum
Everyone deserves a relationship where you are in love - You're completely right - I'm only 38 so don't want to lost anymore time

OP posts:
dean247 · 18/09/2020 12:11

Potentially thinking of saying about separating and living under the same roof so we can both get some money behind us, perhaps until after Xmas?
anyone have any experience of this?

thank you for taking the time to reply!

OP posts:
Jimd2020 · 18/09/2020 12:54

@dean247
i mean everyone is different.
Yes i currently feel like my life is ruined. my head is a mess. ive lost a ton of weight and emotionally im all over the place.
but.... I do feel like i will come out the other side at some point.

we are currently living under the same roof and although completely amicable there is an atmosphere and its not really a fun place to be.

the whole seperation is against my wishes. the wife was unhappy in the relationship unknown to me. a relationship takes alot of work and requires 2 people.

i suggested counselling to my wife in the hope that getting us speaking more would solve the issues which in my case didnt. but everyones experience with this is different. so if you are in 2 minds about things then maybe this could be a route to take before ending it?

all in all you've got to do what is best for you. its not an easy road and there will be alot of upset for both parties but there certainly is light at the end of the tunnel!

ekidmxcl · 18/09/2020 13:06

Be careful OP, it does look a bit like you might be ruining your own life.

Although you clearly have the right to do whatever you want, objectively I don't think that there is enough to be saying this marriage is over. Unless there are things you haven't put in the OP.

Although he'll be devstated by the end of this marriage, he sounds like he'll get snapped up pretty quickly.

Have you thought through the full consequences? Divorce is fucking awful. I can't understand why you would divorce someone you describe as perfect.

Jimd2020 · 18/09/2020 13:41

@ekidmxcl
the same was true in my relationship. my wife would even admit that the family life/aspect was great.
im a great dad & a great provider.
the wife was just staying with me as it was the easiest option and for the children. but ultimately she was unhappy with us as a couple.

dean247 · 18/09/2020 13:47

@ekidmxcl
Exactly as @Jimd2020 has just said
Hubby is in fact my best friend - I have alot of love for him - he's a wonderful man
However we're no longer working as a couple romantically
I'm only 38, I feel if I didn't change something now I would regret at least trying to make a change
Even if that change turned out to be the wrong choice.....

OP posts:
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