What do you do if you can't afford to buy in the same area?

[GlassOfProsecco]

Currently going through a horrible prolonged separation.

Ex is wanting to buy me out the jointly owned family home, which will leave me unable to buy in the same area. DC are 7&11, happy & settled in school.

I've been the primary carer until now & ex is WFH (due to Covid). He now wants 50-50.

The average selling price here is 300+K, my budget is 180-200K. I can't buy him out.

For my budget, I will need to move away & cannot realistically work (in NHS) plus get them to school where they currently are. He can. So that would effectively mean EOW for me & him being the primary care. Or I take them (and he takes me to court)

I don't think I can just abandon my DC & it will do then untold emotional damage if I leave.

It's all in the hand of lawyers, but I am really terrified.

Do you have to agree to him buying you out. Surely it's up to you if you sell the house?
Who is the main care provider atm, and no, don't leave. He can if he wants to.
Let him take you to court, it's not your fault if you can't afford to buy near him, you'll just have to move.

No, I don't need to agree - he is threatening court action & I think I'll wait till he raises a division & sale action rather than leave my kids.

He barely engages with them but wants 50/50 & I know courts have a very low bar for parental standards.,

And I can't afford to move out till I come off the title dress.

So he's trying to bully me in to going by threatening me with court action (which I can't afford)

He just cannot accept that the DC will be impacted by me moving away. He thinks them moving school
Is worse

I would move to where I could afford and take the kids, tbh.
Easier said than done I know.
I'm hoping this will bump for you, as there are lots of wise women on here, going through/ gone through the same.
So sorry you are going through this, don't let him bully you, though.

Sorry you are going through this.
Could you use the capital to help you afford to rent in the area until DC are older. This may only be a few years depending on secondary school choices. Once they are old enough to get the bus/train it makes life easier.

Just because he is working from home now does not mean you need to agree to 50/50. To do that needs a very high degree of commitment and communication from you both. Go for him being EOW and get evidence of how you do/ have done all the childcare and school stuff. And stay out of court for the kids if at all possible.

Thanks for the replies; rents round here are at least 1K a month.

My salary is £1250 a month; so not realistic. I'd run out of money quite quickly.

I'm also not sure how letting agents feel about using capital instead of income?

I'm speaking to my solicitor on Monday; but my gut feeling is that I cannot abandon my kids - so he can take me to court.

I am keeping a diary about his lack of interaction with them & have spoken to the head teacher about it. He doesn't really engage with them. My eldest said to me "daddy doesn't bother his shirt with us, he just stays in his room".

Fucking awful

I can't see him wanting 50/50 he wouldn't have a clue and soon get fed up.
Good idea about the diary, every little thing you do, daily.
Write down what your eldest said, when etc. You are hardly likely to make that up.
Could you afford a smaller house and mortgage in the same area? I know it would mean starting again, but you'll have half the house or majority, depending on where your ex goes.

He wants 50/50 as he can't afford to keep the house & pay for childcare/maintenance too.

I cannot even afford a 2-bed flat here. A "cheap" house is 300K (could maybe get one nearby for 250k)

My budget is 180-190K

Hopefully your solicitor will have some suggestions OP.
Presumably your ex will have to pay you child maintenance, this is taken into account as income by some mortgage lenders.
Letting agencies/landlords may be flexible if you are able to pay 6 months rent upfront/show evidence of savings.
Alternatively Could you use a childminder for school drop offs and pick ups if you have to move further away.
This is a temporary problem-you have about 5 years until the DC are both secondary age and can get to school independently.
He's probably seeking 50:50 custody as a way of intimidating you. It doesn't sound like he could be bothered with it in reality.

He wants 50-50 so he doesn't have to pay maintenance, as he can't afford that plus mortgage (affordability).

He'll do shitty/minimal parenting with them (he just sticks them on screens, doesn't really interact with them) but good enough by court standards.

My 11 year old really wouldn't be happy in childcare; he walks to school & back.

And sadly where I'd need to live (near work) is in the opposite direction so I couldn't realistically facilitate school drop off's - or Witt childminder/after school club.

Your income is quite low. Is that FT? If PT, could you up your hours?

It's part-time but have temporary full-time hours (to end of financial year).

Been trying to increase hours for years but can only get temp for various reasons.

Am trying to get permanent full time but I work is a specialised field of a small profession & it's hard getting extra to fit round my existing days.

Have seen other f/t jobs elsewhere (am prepared to take lower grade & move for that) - I could take DC & rent if I got a job somewhere else (he WILL take me to court for this though).

I'd call his bluff and accept every other weekend. Sort out your life and your career.

I had to relocate to a much much cheaper area and ended up with 100% of the responsibility which made working impossible for a few years anyway, even when they got older, it made a new relationship completely impossible. I often look back on the days when he was ''threatening'' me with wanting full custody (he no more wanted that genuinely than he wanted to clean up vomit or wipe bums) but he threatened it and I fell for it.

I honestly think I should have said, ok, i need to go and invest in to myself now after 7 years out of the work place.

I don't think I could do that to my children

I can't just up & leave them. It's unacceptable.

Don't move out of the family home. If you have, move back. Make him move out.

He won't move out. He is earning 60K & I am earning 23K. He is refusing to sell. It is jointly owned.

Oh OP what a difficult situation. I am really sorry that you are going through this. Have you had legal advice? There may be other options here. I'm no expert but the courts usually want minimum impact on the children. It may be that you could stay in the house with DC until they are 18, and at that point you would have to sell. I can't remember what this type of agreement is called but our mediator explained it to us as an option. If he thinks he can take you to court and get everything and the kids, he's living in a fantasy world, it just wouldn't happen.

Expecting to hear more from my solicitor on Monday or Tuesday.

He's saying that him staying in the house close to school will be less disruptive for the children. Won't acknowledge that having their mother out of their lives would upset them - where the fuck do you go with that one?

We've been at a stalemate for a year now, living under the same roof. It's fucking awful.

The Mesher arrangement wouldn't work as I can't afford to take on the mortgage alone & he won't agree to it anyway. In his mind, I have to go. It's Scots law which is slightly different.

Sorry, OP. It's a difficult situation.

I'm in a slightly different situation in which I left a year ago and took our daughter with me. My STBX now believes he should keep the house and give me the bare minimum settlement he can bully me into.

I have taken the view that it's worth it to fight to the death: if you accept less than you are entitled to, it will have a long term impact on you and on your children.

I'm in a similar situation and will have to move far away as it's unaffordable here. M going to speak to a solicitor this week and find out where I stand.

If you have a mesher order and stay still kids are 18, surely he has to pay maintenance still for kids? Would that help with mortgage payment
Also have you looked into working tax credits ?

“He wants 50-50 so he doesn't have to pay maintenance, as he can't afford that plus mortgage (affordability).”

He’d still be paying maintenance...the CMS calculation for 2 kids on his salary - even having 50/50 is £300 and odds a month....

Well you can refuse to let him but you out so the house has to be sold and the DC will have to move schools when you relocate.

Is he even offering a fair financial settlement that considers PENSIONS and house equity that compensated for your loss of carter because you have been primary carer for years whilst he climbed the career ladder?

It sounds like he is just bullying you into submission...