Initiating separation around a Big Birthday.

[Alphanine]

After 2 years of problems, I have made the decision that our relationship has run its course and that I no longer want to expel any energy "working on things."
This came to me over the last few weeks after I started to sit with my feelings and listen to them.
The problem is, DH has a big birthday in October and I'm getting messages from SILs and BIL about organising a family celebration. DH has requested a romantic weekend away for the 2 of us too. This will be difficult for me as I have begun to struggle to be in his company.
I've gone over "The Talk" in my head repeatedly and know what I need to say to him, but I'm going to end up ruining his birthday aren't I? Do I just wait until the celebrations are over with? I don't know what to do.

If SILs and BIL discover that I'm leaving him, it will make for a very awkward celebration- particularly if the ILs get wind of it. They are aware of my unhappiness, as I'd mentioned previously that our marriage was struggling but I'm supposed to grin and bare it. They brushed it all off and seem offended by my complaining.
DH also helped organise a lovely celebration for my big birthday last year, I feel so guilty.
What should I do?

I left my ex 6 weeks before my 30th

I guess it’s different situation being the person who’s birthday it is though so this is probably the most useless reply you’ll have

Bumping for you

When would you be asking to leave were there not an event in the offing?

It does sound a bit as if you are not yet fully ready - which is not a criticism, it can take time to make arrangements.

Your DH appears to have no inkling - so you are not planning for any change of working in it together once you have voiced your unhappiness? In that case, I'd steel myself and leave now.

But if you are prepared to have the chance to work on it once he knows, then you couid get through the birthday during that time. You can decline the trip away, but have a general family party.

And if it's still not right, you've still got plenty of time to move out before Christmas.

Just do it now. Honestly it is a bit rubbish because it's horrible ending your marriage but no more so that pretending to keep face.

Part of the problem is that he will need to move out as he has somewhere to go and I don't. Also, I'm not financially secure just yet as I'm awaiting a promotion at work (put on hold due to covid) which will provide me with more hours, more responsibility and double the pay overall. I've been waiting until this happens, vut realised that I can't wait much longer. My promotion is now 6 months away.

He might say that he doesn't want to move out and why should he if he isnt the one who wants to split up? You need to be prepared for him to say im not moving out and then what will you do?

I'd end my marriage before the promotion because that money would then be included in the picture of what he is due. Fk the birthday your promotion is your real consideration.

@trevorandsimon cry.
I'll have to wait until I'm financially independent enough to leave myself. I could leave and rent somewhere, but don't want the upheaval of moving the children again when I eventually buy.

[quote Alphanine]@trevorandsimon cry.
I'll have to wait until I'm financially independent enough to leave myself. I could leave and rent somewhere, but don't want the upheaval of moving the children again when I eventually buy.[/quote]
I'm in the same situation...so I'm not unsympathetic. You have to way up the benefits and issues and how urgently do you need to leave. There is going to be upheaval anyway.
Its unreasonable to expect fairness and always a good outcome for you when a relationship breaks down, so you might want to think out all the possible scenarios. That is what I'm currently doing.

He doesn't have to leave. If you both work what's to stop him getting 50/50 of the kids?
I totally support your decision to leave but do think carefully. If it's hard now it might be far worse if you separate but still live together.