Using a third party for communications during toxic divorce

[Hettyispink]

Can anyone share their experiences of successful communications during a toxic divorce (and afterwards) by using a third party?

As in: one person is being continually abusive and prolific vile emails, but still trying to co-parent, so cannot block all channels of communication.

The person in question has refused to use My Family Wizard, or similar. The only line of communications currently used are email and text - both of which go on and on and on.

Interested to know WHO has been used as a third party? Friends or Family? Parenting Coordinator?

Thanks x

Blimey... is that a No?

I can't believe no one has used a 3rd party - I have no experience of this myself.

I hope this isn't a naive question - but have you reported the abusive communications to the police?

I've not heard of it to be honest . Sorry you are going through a crappy time of it though.

I think it would be completely unreasonable to involve family or friends in this mess, sorry.

@DPotter this is about my partner and his Ex, not myself. The police have been involved previously, over an assault, but never about her subsequent communications. It’s tricky - there’s a thin basis of fact in each email but she grossly exaggerates and gaslights. Then there’s the frequency and volume. They run into up to 13 pages and she can send 4 in 24 hours. I’ve encouraged him to talk to the police. Next step is to set up a separate email. I just wish he could use a third party to screen them for the childcare facts alone and pass those on.

By the way you can use a paid Parenting Coordinator to do this - but they cost almost as much per hour as a solicitor.

He doesn’t have the funds for that.

Then there’s the frequency and volume. They run into up to 13 pages and she can send 4 in 24 hours. I’ve encouraged him to talk to the police.

He needs to speak to the police and social services. She sounds unhinged.

@Aquamarine1029 agreed!
I’m hoping that if he shows the police they’ll advise him to take action.

Ofcourse set up a different email and / or even a phone.

The only thing that worked for my friend was to use a lawyer in the end as her ex was too toxic so it often cost her over 1k a month i correspondence. I am sure he knew what he was doing too.

I had a similar situation though more emails 9 in 13 minutes was his record. It was this volume that prompted the police to intervene and advise that a single reasonable length email that he should wait at least 24 hours for a response was appropriate.
He received a polite visit, a reminder warning and a final if you don't stop this you will be arrested visit.

I’m on the receiving end of similar unnecessary communications. He’ll find fault with our daughters almost every time he sees them and then email me about it. I’ve stopped replying and was advised to do so by the police. Anything urgent or school related he’s informed of by email (which still gets a shitty reply of course) but you are under no mandate to reply to abusive emails. Ignore them.

I bought a burner phone which was only turned on the day before they were due (by court order) at his. He was given official notice not to contact me in any other way and my friend was given the burner and relayed the info. To myself. After a few libellous letters he settled down and it worked as well as it probably ever would with a person like him. I still have him causing trouble by messing around with timings, telling the children I'm a money grabbing cow who is just jealous (he pays under the cms minimum) but I don't get the relentless abusive messages (supposedly about the children).

Tried non-legal 3rd and he refused to engage / was abusive to them. I wasn't willing to have ex arrested after the harassment warning was served so used a lawyer in the end. Near bankrupt me but saved my sanity. Court order states he can't contact me unless an emergency which 'gave me permission' to disregard his communications. They still come but over the years (with consistent lack of engaging) they've reduced. He doesn't get a kick out of it unless it upsets me.. Whilst I tried to co-parent, it wasn't possible. I co-parent on key things only: selecting school etc. Doesn't stop him causing trouble every couple of months but that was inevitable..

Whilst I didn't instigate court proceedings, ultimately the orders they made saved me.

May I ask those who have responded what sorts of things your exes emailed as an excuse to get in contact, so I can compare what’s going on here?

@Pinkyxx he’s arguing that me not responding is paramount to me bullying and excluding him as a parent. I don’t see a way through this other than court tbh.
His new partner also emails me and this will be a problem for him ultimately as she’s abusive in her emails and said she would make sure the girls knew what a horrible parent I am when they grow up and she often references me when there is an argument, for example “don’t speak to me the way you spoke to their mother”, “does your mother not teach you to ....” etc etc.

@Meeeh Honestly really depends on what you're not responding to. Most of my ex's emails were just pure abuse / treats / or attempts to blackmail. There was no good outcome. Those few which had a valid need for response, I did respond to unless they were also abusive. Ex nevertheless said I was excluding him by not responding.

Despite making no effort to involve himself in DC life he continues to blame me for issues he has with DC / accuses me of excluding him. The irony is that I also have emails saying ''this is not my responsibility, you are responsible for that'' on the rare occasions I do involve him in important things about DC..

Ex's partner did the same things you mention. I never responded to anything she sent and blocked her email address in the end so I didn't have to see them. There was zero need for us to communicate. When DC repeated the stuff they said, I just named the behavior for DC ''it is not kind to say such things. I'm sorry you had to hear that. It must have been hard for you'' DC was very young when this all started so found it very difficult to hear things that were unrelatable. Unfortunately, the courts can't influence this...