Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

To email or not to email, that is the question

18 replies

50somethingBloke · 23/08/2020 09:07

Hello. My (soon to be) ex-wife asked for a divorce by phone in May, while I was away. I was away at my father's house, and the day in question was the day he died. I have moved into a tiny flat, and my wife forbids me to contact her, other than through a lawyer. Three months on, I still have no real idea what's happening, and why she suddenly wanted a divorce. She seems to have been planning it for a while, and decided to land the blow on a day when a) I was away and b) it would have maximum impact. Funny thing is, I still love her and want to express this by email. Should I?

OP posts:
LouiseTrees · 23/08/2020 09:10

Do you have kids?

Rhubardandcustard · 23/08/2020 09:12

Write her a letter and ask solicitor to pass on. Then she can either take it or not but at least all communication going through solicitor as she asked.

Doyoumind · 23/08/2020 09:15

If she doesn't want to tell you, she won't. I would just leave it. You won't change her mind. Based on the very limited information given it doesn't sound like she's worth having.

Original poster
50somethingBloke · 23/08/2020 09:19

@LouiseTrees

Do you have kids?
Yes, one is at University and one is in work. They have cut contact, too. The day before I left to attend to my father they were laughing with me, and sharing hugs. So, what's happened? Has my wife turned them against me?
OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 23/08/2020 09:21

Think carefully. It is extremely improbable that this has come out of the blue.

Original poster
50somethingBloke · 23/08/2020 09:21

@Rhubardandcustard

Write her a letter and ask solicitor to pass on. Then she can either take it or not but at least all communication going through solicitor as she asked.
Yes, that is an option. Worried it might be expensive.
OP posts:
pumpkinpie01 · 23/08/2020 09:22

You need answers here , presumably you have tried to contact your kids in every way possible ?

Original poster
50somethingBloke · 23/08/2020 09:26

@Sparkletastic

Think carefully. It is extremely improbable that this has come out of the blue.
She said 'things havent been right for a while'. And yet, we had been communicating better than ever. The last day I saw her face-to-face, I asked her if she had fallen in love with someone and she paused, then said no. If she'd wanted a divorce because she'd met someone else, I think I could have come to terms with that, eventually. But she seems to have gone for the nuclear option.
OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 23/08/2020 09:29

If you had a good relationship with your children before the separation, I can’t see how she could have turned them against you in an instant. I’d concentrate your energies on making contact with them, if I were you.

Original poster
50somethingBloke · 23/08/2020 09:31

@pumpkinpie01

You need answers here , presumably you have tried to contact your kids in every way possible ?
I texted at first. First day or two, I received civil and sympathetic replies. Then, suddenly, hostility and distance.
OP posts:
Original poster
50somethingBloke · 23/08/2020 09:32

@HeddaGarbled

If you had a good relationship with your children before the separation, I can’t see how she could have turned them against you in an instant. I’d concentrate your energies on making contact with them, if I were you.
Thanks. Feels like it might take years, though.
OP posts:
Original poster
50somethingBloke · 23/08/2020 09:38

I have survived all this: being told about the divorce and my Dad dying on the same day, having to clear his old house, having to find somewhere to live and working at the same time. But, I can't help feeling I need some explanation from my wife. Maybe it's one of those things that I will never have and will have to live with.

OP posts:
pumpkinpie01 · 23/08/2020 11:13

She owes you an explanation and as your kids are adults too they should be mature enough to explain their behaviour. I would turn up at their place of work at the end of the working day and wait for them . You didn't see any sign of this coming at all ?

Leo89 · 31/08/2020 01:14

You deserve an explanation. How long were you married for?. You are worth so much more

DracoDormiens · 31/08/2020 01:19

Hang on, how many times on here are women advised to wait until they are safe and then tell the husband they have left? And only to have contact through solicitors? And that they don’t owe their husbands vs an explanation as they would be at risk? I’m betting if you ask most of these husbands then they wouldn’t say they were abusive, they would control the narrative so they were viewed as the victim. Most telling is your children’s reactions. Maybe you need to step back and be honest about what your relationship was really like.

jamaisjedors · 04/09/2020 15:30

I agree with @DracoDormiens

My exH would say the same as you, in fact he has told everyone that I just walked out with no explanation and that he has no idea why I left because we were "happy".

This is despite 6 months of joint counselling and years of unhappiness and endless conversations about our relationship.

My ex has emailed me several times to say he wants to get back together and there was nothing serious wrong with our relationship.

You can do it (as others said) through a solicitor for your own peace of mind and to help you move on but don't expect a reply.

jamaisjedors · 04/09/2020 15:31

And yes, my exH totally sees himself as the victim in all of this, despite years of emotional abuse and gas-lighting.

yepimaman · 04/09/2020 17:54

Your two adult children have cut off contact with you? I would imagine they have their reasons and I'm going to stick my neck out and say you have told us only a very small part of the story. You say you don't know why this all happened but the last time you saw your wife you asked her if she was in love with someone else.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page