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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Dealing with sadness and anxiety

22 replies

mummyof2lou · 16/08/2020 20:40

Does anyone have advice on how to deal with the anxiety and sadness? In the process of separating, and some days I'm calm and controlled, and others full of anxiety and dread. Weekdays I am better with the morning and work routine, but some weekends find myself staying up late, and not wanting to get out of bed in the morning or do anything at all during the day. Luckily I have children which force me to do exactly the opposite. What has helped you on anxious and sad days? I'm so nervous of slipping into a bad place when my children will need me the most

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Worried1981 · 16/08/2020 20:55

I am in the same position as you so I know exactly how you feel . It’s not all out in the open yet so I am very anxious . I forced myself to do some exercise yesterday and that helped . Try not to drink alcohol as that seems to make anxiety worse ( well for me it does ) I have really lost my appetite but forcing myself to eat 3 meals ... it’s hard . Hope you feel better soon xx

Original poster

mummyof2lou · 16/08/2020 21:05

Sorry to hear you're going through this too. Same here, noone knows (telling everyone is another source of worry). I just want to fast forward a year and hope I may be happier. Exercise helps me too if I try really hard not to think whilst doing it. Wonder sometimes if the gamble on happiness is worth this horrible period

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defendervank · 16/08/2020 21:23

Going through a separation is tough to say the least. As someone who has gone through it, the thing I would say is be kind to yourself. Walking helped me a lot too and talking. I paid for about 6 hours of private counselling because I wanted to do the best I could for myself and my kids. Your'e a good person and you're doing a great job. Another thing that help me was the Reiki principles. I know next to nothing about it but the 5 principles certainly helped.

Original poster

mummyof2lou · 16/08/2020 21:27

Thank you Defender, I'll look those principles up. I've started counselling but I don't feel much different after the first session, perhaps it takes a few more so I'll be open minded

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defendervank · 16/08/2020 21:59

It can take a few, but if you're on a tight budget then it's not something than works for everyone. In fact counselling doesn't work for everyone but I needed someone professional to talk to.. For me I need to know from the first session if I want to see them again. I also just knew I needed to talk to someone about it and if I didn't find that Councillor was helping me I would have looked for another. I was also offered phone based counselling through work which I only used once but did help. You say you are in the process of separating, does that mean you are still together at the moment?

Original poster

mummyof2lou · 16/08/2020 22:17

We are still living together. I guess we are together are in a way, or at least to anyone looking in, but we have different bedrooms and really just are two people living together and looking after the kids. He's trying to find a property to rent

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defendervank · 16/08/2020 23:21

That can't be easy, I know a lot of people do that to start with though for various reasons. I didn't but I'm sure I would have. Maybe once you are no longer living together that may help your feelings too.

Worried1981 · 17/08/2020 18:02

I wish my DH would offer to move out . He found out i had been into his office to look for documents today , he is starting to suspect but I still haven’t told him . I am going to see family tomorrow with the kids and have prepared an email, I know it’s cowardly but he is very verbally aggressive and I have no idea how he will react so I don’t want the kids there . Solicitor is sending paperwork when I am away . I am so anxious . Please tell me I am doing the right thing ! Hope you are ok today x

Lacey2019 · 17/08/2020 18:04

Counselling helped me when my relationship ended. I have just paid for more sessions as I have had really dark thoughts - some days I am ok others I want to not be here. We were civil and then he turned awful if I’m honest and not a very nice person. It’s ok not to be ok x

Original poster

mummyof2lou · 17/08/2020 19:07

Worred1981 - you must be dreading that. Can you not speak to him without the kids around? I just think communicating is so key as if you have children, you have to communicate until they are adults at least. Maybe try speaking and if he gets aggressive calmly leave and then continue on email once he has calmed down?

Lacey - yes I'm continuing with mine, maybe it will help. It's all very civil too at the moment, which is why I feel so sad I think. He's a very nice person, and I read of so many horrible men on here that it makes me question everything

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Lacey2019 · 17/08/2020 20:21

Mine was lovely too!. Then he met someone 4 weeks later, lied lied lied about it and has turned into the most awful person.

Worried1981 · 17/08/2020 20:38

Mummyof2 I have tried to bring up the subject a couple of times before I went to see a solicitor and he refused to talk to me and got verbally abusive . I would love to have an amicable split but sadly it won’t happen. I am actually afraid of his reaction .

Original poster

mummyof2lou · 17/08/2020 22:05

Oh no Lacey that sounds awful. Must be hard to deal with the change so suddenly.

Worried 1981 - good luck and thinking of you, let us know how it all goes x

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Shunter350 · 30/08/2020 15:01

Hi Mummyof2lou,
Well here goes. I’m a 55 year old man and my 25 year marriage is crumbling. I’m seeing a solicitor on Friday. We have two grown up kids (21/24) and I’ve never struggled so much in my life. It’s completely emotional drawing. I have had anxiety attacks, sleepless nights, sweats, breakdowns and yes I’ve had dark thoughts about my life. My brother said that I’ve suffered mental torture for years ( my wife can go silent for months) and that I should seek help. My GP has prescribed Citalopram to reduce the depths of the troughs which were deep. All I can say is please seek professional help, lean on any support you may have and look after yourself. I’m constantly telling myself why I’m doing it and to look beyond the turmoil and torture. There is a way forward and I really wish you well.

PearlWong · 31/08/2020 14:00

It’s a cliche but ‘time’ is the best medicine for this. Finding a hobby is good; I baked.xx

GlassOfProsecco · 31/08/2020 14:23

Running helps me de-stress & sleep better.

If my sleeping in really bad I have used Zopiclone on prescription from the GP to help me sleep.

Trying to spend time with family & friends.

YourHandInMyHand · 31/08/2020 14:28

Sending a virtual hug to those going through this. I've also just separated from my youngest's dad and I struggle with anxiety anyway but right now it's even more ramped up. I just keep telling myself that once the dust has settled things will be okay. It's hard though even though I know it's for the best.

I've just been on a lovely long walk with my dog. Need to do that much more often.

Shunter350 · 31/08/2020 14:44

Exercise is great, you don’t have to run a marathon! The downside for me is that I’m on a ‘high’ afterwards and the trough that follows can be difficult. I’ve given up coffee for the same reason. Seriously, it gives one a tremendous sense of optimism (which is great) but the crash afterwards was the bowels of hell frankly. But that’s probably just me. Separation is a whirlwind of raw emotions, one kinda just has to expect it. Still horrendous though, I dread bedtime. Sleep ok till about 3 then the anxiety attacks start. Good luck and look after yourselves. Remember your no.1 now.

Original poster

mummyof2lou · 01/09/2020 02:37

Thank you for all the support and so sorry to hear others are suffering this too (although we are not alone at least). It really is a day by day rollercoaster. Agree that time, exercise, avoiding alcohol and pets are all things that seem to have a positive affect. One day I may even be able to sleep normally again (note the 2.30am post!)

Shunter350 - thank you for your posts, so sorry to hear you're going through such a tough time. I hope the Solicitors appointment goes well. Stay strong

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Shunter350 · 01/09/2020 15:20

Thanks Mummyof2lou. I’ve come across this point a few times and my brother reminded me again.. ‘remember why your doing it’. I default to the good times, conveniently forgetting the really bad times..

HollyIvy89 · 01/09/2020 22:20

I have been having CBT for my anxiety.
What has helped most has been two strategies.
When a anxious thought or worry pops in my head I can write it down and deal with them all/ it at a set allocated time. Many times I have forgotten about the worry by that set time.
Other is to break down the worry which I find really does help calm me down
Look at the Evidence you have for the worry and the evidence against it. Breaking it down helps me rationalise it and Dilutes it. It takes time to get into this habit but I now stop and try hard to regain control of my thoughts.
With sadness then I think that’s almost a harder one. I am assuming time will help. I’m only 11 month in and am learning that what I feel sad about is that I don’t really have anyone who can truly understand in my support network how sad it all is. That hard. But I imagine it will get better. X

Shunter350 · 02/09/2020 09:29

Night times are the worst. Woke up at midnight last night. Sweating and anxiety. I’ve just started Citalopram but really need something to help me sleep. A year ago I would never have thought I would tapping this out, but there you go.

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