Husband primary parent

[Mercier1]

Hi all, my marriage is really on the rocks and has been for some time. My husband suffered a MH crisis almost 2 years ago and was off work long term sick for over a year before accepting redundancy.
He’s not looking for a job right now. So he cares for the 1 and 4 year old with them in childminder 2 days per week.
I work all the time, I have three different jobs since he’s redundancy as I was so concerned about our income.

The view of a lawyer I saw for some free advise was that he will get a lot more out of a divorce if we do separate as he’s the primary parent. I’m so scared of loosing my home. I have no family in this country. Help!

Couple of points

Yes he could be possibly considered for primary parent because he provides the majority of the childcare at the moment - courts are moving away from the automatic assumption that MOTHERS keep the family home and kids

I'm not certain you can use his MH issues against him for custody since he is already showing he can look after the children with presumably no concern from you?

He supports you in your business therefore this will be considered working part time and he will get credit for this - ie larger share of assets because he is enabling you to work and earn money

If you want him back in work then you need to tell him he needs to sort himself out? That you are going to drop 2 jobs to spend more time as a family so he needs to step up

He’d piss me off. I can’t believe he’d watch you work three jobs whilst he sits on his arse? Does he do much with the kids when you’re at work?

He either needs to go get a job or move in with his parents. Book your dc more time with the Cm, see if he gets his arse in gear?

I fell into anxiety and depression when I moved to another country and had to give up my much loved job to follow my dh to the other side of the world. It was a struggle as my dds were small. We moved back to the U.K. eventually and it got worse for me. We went to marriage counselling on my insistance (which I wanted to do in the other country) and during that time I got myself back into work so I had something to do, I’d worked since I was 16 non stop, so being home with the dc was boring to me. The new job wasn’t what I was doing before and I ended up with a massive pay drop.

What I’m trying to say is, your dh needs to get his arse in gear and get back into work whatever the job is. He won’t be able to support himself financially with the dc on his own. At the minute why would he when you’re doing all the hard work.

You are in exactly the situation of many working parents, who work more than the other spouse, and for whom divorce means they see far less of the DC.

It is generally help that DC reside with the parent who is the main caregiver, and however that came about, it is not you.

Yes, divorce is expensive, and it can feel wildly unfair to see less of your DC than you wouid like. But you could go for 50/50 and may well get something not too far from it.

How major assets are split (house, pensions etc) is something you need proper advice on. You may well both need to move.

Spousal maintenance is rarely awarded, but if it is it is for a short time to allow for retraining/job hunting.

Hi OP.

Work on getting your ducks in a row.

In the meantime can you pretend like you’re a single parent regarding your social life. He doesn’t want to go with for lunch with other people ? You go with the kids.

Even if you don’t meet up with people you take them on your own and do something fun.

Assets split starts at 50-50. So I think it may be unlikely that either of you can keep the family home. Assume that you do a 50-50 split of all assets in due course and start working out what that will mean for you. If you need to move, where to?

Also it really concerns me that he wont let you go out with your friends until the kids are in bed. Given he is primary carer and you say a great dad, that comes across as abusive. It might even be worth a chat with women’s aid
Good luck

@RedRumTheHorse he won’t run up debts his parents will bail him out. Not wealthy but he’s an only child and they have good pensions. I have no one.
We have joint a/c for day to day but my salary is paid into my own account before I transfer it. My biz accounts are seperate but that’s interesting that you said to keep
Him out of it... I was going to put him on payroll for 16 hours per week at min wage) please no my biz is micro. I turned over 60k last year. And there was nada cash in it because while I was in Mat leave and he was on sick pay it kept us afloat. But I’m not giving it up, it’s a really important buffer and also something for me.

@Rainbowqueeen you’re right. I can see my children’s childhoods sliping away, we lost last years holiday due to illnesses so it feels like forever since we’ve had a change of scene from our house. He keeps his world very small.
The kids are tricky ages, I went out once to get chips while my eldest who’s bedtime I do wasn’t quite asleep b/c I was starving had worked 12 hours was half 8pm and he went mad and woke the baby and when I came back I was in the dog house so now he is very much like you can’t leave me to deal with this shit.

It’s hard. It’s a bit of a gender reversal. I tell
Him all the time he has the worlds hardest job etc and I think he certainly does.

Re assets he brought a lot More into the marriage then me. ALOT will that matter? When things were shit before he really
Focused on that but maybe now I’m the provider he sees it different I don’t know.

@meditrina my question really is what do I need to do now to make sure he isn’t the primary parent- because they are my children too and anything less than 50:50
Isn’t ok.

@Longdistance he’s not sitting on his
Arse to be fair he’s got kids all day. When with the CM he works for me. Starting Councilling today...

Just to be clear I mentioned his MH for context I’m not planing to use it against him. It’s important to the discussion though.

Sorry should also clarify.
When we try to talk about the future or him working etc he becomes suicidal, he seems to just see no way forward. He says he lives day to day, honestly this angers me.
He has no pension and is 15 years older than me this only came out when we moved house 2 years ago and I was like fix it. Nothing happened.
He was doing some very intense retraining which contributed to his decline. He’s 2 years off finishing it.
But he is a very educated person I’m sure he could do something else p/t at least.
I keep feeling like I just want him to finish the degree and trying to support him through that but that’s not actually helpful to me right now. What would be helpful would be for him to work and then we would be equals.
I’m not giving up on us but I do need to protect myself in terms of selling house and a split of assets I wouldn’t be able to afford anything, perhaps a flat I’m not sure.

Mercier1 while the information the solicitor gave you is not wrong, it is not black and white in any situation, and in yours there's a lot of grey because of his mental health issues, failure to seek or engage with proper treatment, refusal to work etc.

To give an example; my STBEXH suffers from severe depression. He 'self medicates' with alcohol and cocaine. His behavior on occasion has been outrageous and he has been abusive while under the influence. I have worked full time throughout this, because I want to and because I have to. He had to look after our child sometimes because I work shifts, however I used paid childcare as much as possible. This is because he cannot always cope, and I cannot be sure our child's welfare is his priority. He can't and won't try to hold down a job.
Despite the fact that he cares for our child sometimes, and doesn't really work, I sought and easily got a residency order for our child. It will never be 50/50 in our situation. Partly because it wouldn't be in the best interests of our child, and partly because I know he will never fight for that because he cannot cope.

So while there is abuse in my situation, it isn't as clear cut as the pages on here or the internet would have you think as each scenario is unique.

Do you know what your DH's thoughts are on being the resident parent? Does the thought send him into a tailspin? Is he only coping because he knows you are around if he's having a bad time with his mental health?

While you work out what to do I would up the childcare if you can for everyone's sake. Don't stay with him if everyone is unhappy. You can hope all you want for him to get better, but while he refuses to try there is nothing but more of this ahead of you.

Op you sound like you have been married for a fairly long period. So the fact that he brought more assets to the marriage is irrelevant. It starts from 50-50.

If you split he would be expected to work or go on benefits not get spousal maintenance.

Keep reading and learning what you can. I think there’s a Wikipedia guide to divorce that people recommend. Look on the family court website.

Wishing you well

Good luck with the counselling today @Mercier1
It worked for us in the end, but that does depend on it being a joint effort. I had 1-1 sessions as well, my dh had one 1-1 session I had a few and the rest were as a couple.

If he becomes suicidal when you mention work then he definitely has a long way to go in terms of his MH.

You sound exhausted, OP, it’s unbelievable that you’re having to hold down THREE jobs to keep the family financially afloat and your DH can’t see that it’s a problem?! Good luck with the counseling.

Op I was in a pretty similar boat to you, Dh signed off on mental health, me working Lon hours in well paid job, him a good dad but poor husband. My dc were at school when I left though. Like you, my Dh had put down a large deposit on our old home which enabled us to buy a nice big joint marital home. I spent 5 years wanting out of our marriage. He was moody, snappy, refused marriage therapy and left all the life admin to me. He had no intention of getting help for his MH or a job.

One day I just told him I’d had enough. I left the marital home and luckily could afford to rent somewhere close. We shared custody of the dc 50/50 and as he could (just) about to afford the mortgage on his benefits, he got to stay in the marital home until youngest was 18 or he broke one of the conditions of the mesher order.

I’m not going to lie it was tough, but I never looked back. Within 3 years the kids were old enough to chose where they wanted to live and they chose to be with me ft. He just couldn’t provide them with the stability they needed, even half the week. The kids not being with him meant I could force the sale of the house. We had already agreed a 50/50 equity split based on him having paid most in and me having paid the mortgage all those years. He was bitter but I needed to put my kids first and needed the money. Obviously I never got a penny in maintenance.

I look back now and shudder, but I am happily remarried now and my dc are grown and happy, stable young people do I have no regrets.

Oh and my exdh was also a loner who had no one. He also threatened suicide etc. I felt responsible for so many years it was awful. Even after we split I felt responsible for him. It feels so freeing when you finally let go and move on. I’m married to my soul mate now, our marriage is happy, equal and fullfilling. I now see how much he dragged me and the dc down and how trapped I was. It’s so refreshing to be married now.