Mentally abusive marriage

[lorza03]

Me and my husband have had a few issues we have been married 2 years in November . 5.5 years together . Today I’ve taken the final push to decide I need to leave my marriage. I am upset and really hurt at the moment . I’m on furlough atm- our children are 4,3 & 1 , I was furloughed in March. I hate not working actually. But yesterday we have a mini argument that turned into him dictating to me I must Leave my current job and find a stack shelf job. By the way I’m a qualified veterinary nurse I love my job.
I feel I’m being backed into a corner that leaves me option - he shouted to me that I be a job or he will get divorced. I didn’t marry the man I see now .
He has horses and feel at this moment in time he choose them over our children and me.
I feel constantly in a mind game with him.
I’m either being told I look crap must buy new clothes . The house looks a mess I’m not doing enough. Just little things that slowly accumulate to become a much bigger problem.
I’m tired of trying to be what ever he wants me to be
I also have 2 step children 11 and 9 I do all the organisation he leaves it all to me.
I sometimes wonder what happened in the last marriage .
Anyway I’m going on to much
I’m here to be brave and find out what are the 1st steps I take in finding a new home for me and my children.
I don’t want the house we are currently in I don’t even want half the equity I just want a new start something he can’t say that was Mine you’ve taken 1/2 of my house .
I can’t afford to buy.
Will have to rent .
Any comments would be greatly appreciated x

I spent 20 years with a man like this. I actually changed my career to suit his dislike of my being in a male dominated career. When I finally fought back and got kicked out he pushed the helping me retrain and denied the reason I had to. When we met I earned a lot more than him, but when we split I earned about a third of what he did.
Don't let him take you for a mug do make sure you take your share even if that equity is just being used as rainy day money. Don't change career unless you want to. Make a plan to get out and take your kids before he pushes you and possibly keeps the kids...

Thank you. When we had our 3rd son.
I was about to give up everything to be his book keeper. I was ready to sign up to course. That day was vile I took out baby with us who was about 3 months. I can back to him saying how am I going to pay. This that the other . I have wrote down all the
Things that have happen and that I keep thinking that I have found harmful. There are so many times.
I feel for me I must move on.
I still care about him and will hope he is ok.
I am looking for a property today.
I don’t think I’m going to tell him until I have my new house and can just go.
Thanks !

If you have a log of it all you are in a way better position than me Also today coercive control is illegal all be it not really taken to court. 20 years ago it wasn't. So consider contacting the womens aid and asking about the freedom program as you will probably learn a lot. I was referred for that when my now 15 yo was a baby but didn't go because I couldn't get her looked after. I finally went after I left when she was 13 and cried when I realised i wasn't alone. Its easy if its all headplay to think its not abuse but it can affect you just as much. Scars heal but the lack of self esteem remains.
Look after yourself. Your plan seems good but make sure you have support around you as it will probably get tough.

I personally wouldn't leave the house or chances are he will sit there and refuse to progress the divorce. There are two items that need to be thought about in the divorce:

• children
• finances

Child arrangements

You need to think about what you want in terms of the children seeing each of you. Do you see the children living with you and visiting the father? A 50:50 split. How will you get a house big enough for you all? Child maintenance?

Finances

Assets and liabilities. Assets: house, savings, pensions, other assets. Liabilities: mortgage, loans, credit cards. If you are the primary caregiver you would likely get a higher split of assets than your husband, although this is a short marriage and what he brought in would be considered. Would you want to stay in the house or sell and split?

Have a good think about these things before proceeding. Don't rush.