Cold feet

[sarahonss1]

8 year pretty bad relationship- brief moments of happiness. Now getting divorced after a 8 month break. I have felt much happier. So why are their these little doubts creeping in. Is this normal!? Am I focusing on those brief moments? Help!!!!

I’m at the very beginning of the whole thing and have doubts on daily basis and think this is normal. I think of some moments that were nice on the paper, e.g. going on holidays with kids but then i realise i see them through rose tinted glasses and there was little softness or love between us as a couple. I remind myself of one yelling and showing match on one of such holidays. Or how he would just stroll off with my son not even waiting for me and dd to catch up with them and not looking back. Or the time when he picked me and kids from the airport and on the way home swerved into another lane because he was pissed off with another driver. List goes on.
Point is, the on paper lovely moments were upsetting in reality and there is a reason why me or anyone divorcing got to that point. We didn’t just all go insane one morning and decided to throw away a good thing. We got there because of increasing levels of misery.

I get the doubts when he is not around because i feel peaceful and wish i could have that within my family unit. But then when he is here i’m reminded that none of our issues have gone away and the misery is real and i will be living with it for the next X years if i do nothing. Misery is likely to increase as we age and kids leave home, i will be alone with the person i don’t like. And i’d rather be alone than have emotionally dead ‘relationship’. My mum at 65 still talks about leaving my dad which she wanted to do but didn’t when i was a teen. I see the misery in her and don’t want to end up like that as well.

Oh my word. Thankyou so so much for your response!!. One had that break and feel peace and that's when I have doubts as I think oh I feel happy and peaceful now I would happily be in the relationship now. But nothing has changed- it would be the same crap again that made me into an anxious miserable wreck. I'm like you- a family holiday was awful due to one major row. I agree that when I get older and the kids are gone I just will be left with this miserable, negative person who add anything to the relationship at all along with all the other crap. Your message made a lot of sense. Although we have had a break for 8 months I have still had to see him everyday. I don't think that has helped. I've considered this over the last 2 years and it's gradually got worse. We are just not right for each other. It's a rough road ahead but I think it will be worth it in the end. Do you share a house etc?

I really really appreciate that message- it's put what I was thinking into words 💕.

Yes, we share a house and i’m hoping to buy him out. He would be happier in a flat anyways i think because he does absolutely nothing in the garden, i do it all, gardening, lawn mowing, clearing out leaves in the autumn etc. I actually love it, love tidying up... but only when he is not around. When he is, it’s a bitter reminder of the fact that i do it all whilst he just takes it for granted.

And exactly as you said, away from him i feel happy, like i’ve grown wings, like there are better things in the future. Then i’m back to the swamp that’s the reality.