Switching Solcitors Advice Needed

[ChilliBeanSauce]

STBXH and I are in the process of divorcing but still living together. He is very well off, everything in his name (pls dont question my stupidity, I am beating myself quite adequately) and could afford to help me move out with kids, but refuses to until house is sold.
He is trying every trick in the book right now to ensure that he gets his way regarding residency and doesnt pay me a penny.
He wants to have our son 50 % of the time. I feel this is too much for a 14 month old baby. He has been in my older daughter's (11) life for over 5 years but has already discounted her feelings. She has to move home/school/area and now he also wants to take away her little brother for half the week. He took early retirement because he could afford to and I work two days a week. His solictor keeps pointing out in very goading letters that I need to work full time as how can I afford to live otherwise. He seems absolutely convinced that the courts would allow him full residency, at the worst case scenario 50 %. I have offered him two full nights a week and he is welcome to visit us on set days (this would help my daughter also process everything on her terms too) but he has rejected this. Indeed, he has stopped paying money into the joint account and I have no support from him. He has no family support network, I am moving to an area with lots of Family to support me. Im really worried he will be able to get through with this. I thought this process was supposed to be in the children's best interests but it seems his solicitor and him think that who has the most money wins.
I am paying my solicitor GBP 170 excl VAT (getting myself into debt in the process) and she just seems to be overworked and the letters she is sending him are full of mistakes. Over the phone I do feel she has got my corner but the response times are very long (3 days to forward on a letter his solictor sent).

Is there any kind of domestic violence? Financial abuse seems clear. You should be able to get Legal Aid under these circumstances and yes, I would change solicitor. It's also worth knowing that all solicitor's letters are very scary. Try your best to ignore the threats. Also get copies of all bank account numbers etc. He may claim to be poor with a newly opened account.

Represent yourself. Apply straight for a court hearing - the judge will award a fair share of the assets to each party.

Solicitor letters flying back and forth are a waste of time and money when one party is determined to be as difficult as possible. What your ex needs to understand is that he doesn't get to say how the assets are split - either you agree it between you, or the judge decides. And the judge will be fair.

With regard to your son then yes, I think the judge probably would award 50/50 residence because why there isn't a reason not to - unless your ex has any convictions for violent type crimes?

Apparently its not financial abuse, he is allowed to decide that he no longer wants to pay into the joint account and thats that. We are still living here, he buys all the food etc. My solictor has sent a letter to him to appeal this but he refuses. He has called me all names under the sun but no physical abuse no. We have been to mediation unsuccessfully. He has disclosed his assets (although I have just discovered an undisclosed asset worth about £35k). Ever since Ive told him I want to separate he has stopped his bottle of wine a day habit, is no longer depressed / in therapy - which is all good but he is painting himself in a light that would suggest I am / the marriage is the cause of all his ills when in fact it most likely stems from his abusive Dad. Thank You for the tip about ignoring the letters, they are written in a very condescending / goading manner so its probably best not to bother reading them and to just plough ahead with the C100 application. I have applied for housing in the area that we are moving too but no idea how long these things normally take. But what do I do regarding a solicitor ? I will be talking to a few in the area that I will be moving too today, but how do you know once you have paid the retainer etc etc that they will really fight your corner etc ?

@NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 thank you for sharing your thoughts. I am not sure about representing myself. He is doing a very good job of painting everything in a light that would suggest he has little and that little was accummulated before we met. I gave up a very good career abroad to move here and be with him (because his job was in the UK). Regarding the 50 50 split. Dont they take into consideration both children ? I am really concerned about the mental health impact splitting the children like this will have on my daughter / his step child ? She is with me most of the time except school holidays. Isnt 14 months very very young for this kind of arrangment ? Especially as he has no family or support network around him ?

How far away are you moving? As you are the one moving you will be the one expected to do the travelling for him to see his child.

Dear OP - this sounds really horrible for you. I think you should shop around for a new solicitor. You need someone gung ho who is on your side and ready to stand up to him very assertively. If your marriage was defined as a long one you would be entitled to 50:50 on assets including house, savings and pensions. However I'm not certain what the cut off limit is for the definition of a long marriage. But that split would include making reasonable efforts to work full time work and to support yourself - which is of course what you need to do now. Not because his solicitor says it but because you need to be independent and to be able to support yourself and your children for the long term. It may sound challenging now but if you have good childcare support around you it's perfectly do-able.

In reality him wanting to have the baby 50 percent of the time would probably be regarded as reasonable by the courts. If he is retired he will have the time - more time in fact than you. I wonder if that's what he really wants - it's hard work - or if he just wants to hurt you? He might change his mind after a while if he is going all the childcare himself. Nevertheless you may need to face up to that likelihood.

Dont move out until the divorce and finances are agreed
As you’re married it dies t matter whose name things are in - they are joint marital assets. You are entitled to fair share of everything, might be 50% might be more or less.
You will be expected to maximise your earnings in regard to allowing you to severe ongoing financial ties - but you may still be entitled to some financial support fir an interim period at least - a solicitor can guide you
With regard residency, courts can and do award 50% at that age if it is deemed best fir the child. You’d need to demonstrate why it’s not.
How far are you moving?

Regarding residency. Do they not take into account the wellbeing of both children ? I know my daughter will suffer a lot of anguish through the split, he has been a part of her life for 5 years. On top of that, her brother will be taken away from her for half the week. I dont understand why both children's wellbeing isnt taken into account. He has no family network, no friends. It would just be him and my son (unless he meets someone new). He has two adult children from a previous marriage who hardly see him and who live on the other side of the country. We will be moving 5 hours drive away., once the house is sold here, he plans to move to the same area as me and my family.. He could easily afford to move too and put this house to rent but chooses to stay here (for no reason other than to save money).

I do already work 20 hours a week. He doesnt work anymore, his choice. He has an earning potential of anywhere between 75 k - 200 k. Mine in this country is 22 k (I gave up a job earning EUR 70 k to move here to be with him, again please dont beat me with this stick, I know how stupid that now was). I dont mind working and I enjoy working but it seems that it really is a case of the one with the money gets to call all the shots.

Has he agreed to your move so far away ? ( seems yes?) if not you have to have that else you’ll get into trouble and could be forced back
Courts will look at impacts and the well being of children and I’m sure relationship with sibling will be considered - but this may not trump the request by dad.
If dad doesn’t move to where you plan to move how do you plan to facilitate contact - that’s a long way and you’ll be expected most likely to do most of the travel and weekends etc just won’t be feasible

Is your STBEX old enough to draw his pension or is he living off a substantial bank balance? If you got 50% of the assets it sounds like you'd be ok financially?

Thanks @SallyR12345 I don't really care about the money, it's him trying to split my children up and using his money to do so. My daughter is going to be devastated and the courts don't take this into account. It's like his needs trump hers.

@millymollymoomoo he even wants to move to the same town that we are moving too. He just won't let me move with both kids until the house is sold. Ive put myself down for accommodation with the local housing association up there. He was asking me to look at places that he might find suitable got himself in gated communities and I'm looking at council properties.

@SallyR12345 he's 52.

They don't recommend splitting up foster children, but my kids and the impact of this on their mental health don't matter as they are step siblings ? I'm trying to work right now and I'm just a snotty crying mess.

If he's a decent man, no amount of money will persuade him to change his mind so conceding the marital wealth get's you nowhere. As has already been said, get yourself in front of a Judge and he/she make a ruling. I've always found them to be very pragmatic and sensible. At least if you've got your fair share of the marital wealth you'll be in a better position to make the children's time with you special and he will find it very wearing coping on his own. Eventually you may get the best of both worlds. Keep your chin up.

@SallyR12345 I didn't think a decent man would split two young children up like this Sally.

Just to play devils advocate, and I totally understand where you're coming from re splitting siblings up, but it's his child too, so he should be allowed to see them as much as you. We have a 50/50 agreement which I think is fairest on both us and the kids xx

I don’t think anyone has said the courts don’t take siblings into account , I expect they do. But a relationship with his father will probably count for more
It’s also quite common with siblings with different parents-to spend varying times and weekends with their other parent. They do get used to it
Don’t give up rights to assets

@loungewearisthewaytogo thank you. But that's the difference i think as both your kids go to see Dad, or does only one go and the other stats with you ? Your kids can process things together. He is effectively making my two only children by separating them.

@millymollymoomoo I agree about the relationship with his Dad. But I think it's fair to say that his relationship with his sister, who dearly loves him, will outlive both me and his Dad. I do think two - three nights a week with Dad is perfect fair. I don't understand how a wee baby can process his alternative 3 nights there, 4 nights here suggestion. He has absolutely no support network to help. Mine has aunties and uncles and grandparents. He has money and a really aggressive solicitor and that appears to be all you need in order to split my children up.

None of us know him
Would you be happy with 2 nights. He’s not your son he’s his too
I’m not saying it best. We don’t know you, him , the dc or anything but children are adaptable and resilient and I’ve got friends who had 50:50 from a very young age and it was fine and remains fine. That’s not always the case
If you genuinely don’t think it’s in the sons best interests, lay that out factually and state your case. No one here can tell how it will go. You have a good chance 50:50 may not be awarded it make sure it’s really about your son interests not yours ( and yes I know you’d miss him !)