Advice needed.... narcissist ex

[jaffacakefan]

Hi, I really need som advice!

My ex and I separated two years ago, when I found out he was sleeping with the woman who he had been having an emotional affair with (at least) six years previously. Both of these times, he deflected, blamed me, made me feel like I was going crazy with deleting things from his phone and changing story umpteen times.

I have since worked out that actually throughout most of our marriage, his behaviour towards me was quite narcissistic. Mood swings, gaslighting, anger, sulking for days, silent treatment, no empathy and limited support, his opinion and decision only one etc etc.

So ultimately, his cheating did me a favour as I don't think I would have ever left!

Fast forward to now.... he won't leave me alone!

We are trapped in a cycle of either...

Happy, kind, thoughtful ex... helping me out with kids, friendly etc.

Or

Angry moody explosive.... silent treatment, ignores or blanks me

Or

Relentlessly on my case.... watching my social media, commenting on my life voices sarcastically, bad mouthing me, checking up on me and what I'm doing etc.

How do I maintain equilibrium, keep it calm and civil for sake of our children.

We are divorced. He has a girlfriend( same girl) but he hadn't had respect to tell me that!

I feel like we are still trapped in toxic relationship, second guessing his moods and reactions makes me anxious and stressed and I'm constantly on fight or flight.

I just want him to leave me alone

If you’re already divorced, why do you have to have anything to do with him?
I understand there might be the odd thing about the children that needs communicating - just write a simple, factual message, and leave it at that.

That's what I've tried so many times. I just can't stop my physical responses to his anger when he's in a mood with me. The relentless questioning about where I've been and what I'm doing. The shitty messages. It just keeps going round in cycles. Much like our marriage. He's nice as pie, he's angry, he's sulking etc etc

For heavens sake, stop his access to your social media NOW !

Just block him FFS !

Open yourself a new email address. Send him an email saying that what you do, say or post is NONE of his business, and therefore you have blocked his access to all of it.

If any arrangements need to be discussed/ organised i.e access visits etc, then this email address is the platform to use. You WILL NOT be discussing ANYTHING else via this email.

If you don't limit HOW he can contact you/ check up on you, then it won't stop

He won't change. Don't wait for him to change. You have to change your response. Do your research into narcissistic abuse. Research the grey rock method. Watch some Stephanie Lyn coaching videos. You have to block him as everyone says. Being nice is part of the cycle of abuse. Assert your boundaries because he will always trample them if you give him half a chance