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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

How often does ex speak to the kids?

16 replies

Jackeroosmum · 13/07/2020 19:05

I am trying to find out if I am being unreasonable or not...
My husband and I separated at the end of Feb. Originally we supposedly had 50/50 contact but I still did all school runs (or home schooling) and he often returned them a day early on the weekends so not really 50/50.
Last week we switched to him having them one day a week and EOW. Now he hasn't see them since Friday afternoon and he hasn't called them once or even sent them a message. (They are 5 and 9). My eldest and him have been struggling a lot and my son thinks his dad doesn't like him (to be fair he tell him this when he got angry) and he shouts at him a lot. I can't help but feel that not having any contact on the days they are with me isn't going to help at all.
I have contacted ex and asked why and he just said he didn't want to disturb them...
So what is reasonable? Should he be wanting to speak with them when they are with me?

OP posts:
Tinyhumansurvivalist · 13/07/2020 19:35

In an ideal world he should be speaking daily, however my feckless ex doesn't speak to our dd from one weeks end to the next when she isn't with him and I am fairly sure he doesn't talk to her when she is with him either.

Dp on the other hand calls her every night. Video calls when he can, texts her during the day...he is the dad her father ought to be

unicornsarereal72 · 14/07/2020 07:40

My children's father has zero contact between his eow. And has gone as long as ten weeks without seeing them. To be honest I prefer it that way. Which is selfish I know.

Both kids are older now and have whatsap but he doesn't use it often. Just the odd morning and I love you.

He is also shouty angry man. My eldest refuses to see him now. Of course he blames me rather than reflect upon his own behaviour. You reap what you sow.

NorthernSpirit · 14/07/2020 17:51

It’s court ordered in my OH’s case (as mother refused to let the kids speak to their dad on the phone.

He is ‘allowed’ to phone 3 specific days a week at a certain time and mother has to make the children available. If she had been fair in the first place they wouldn’t have to have such a rigid routine.

This has been in place for 7 years. The kids are now 12 & 15 and she won’t allow them to speak to their dad out of the court ordered times.

She’s batshit.

JaggySplinter · 14/07/2020 18:30

Every day might be excessive, but to be regularly going days or a week without speaking isn't going to help the relationship. My ex rarely calls when the DC are not with him, and often blocks them from calling me, or "forgets" to connect their phones to WiFi etc.

worldweary45 · 14/07/2020 18:34

My ex hasn't spoken to our eldest for 3 years and our youngest maybe once or twice this year. It's generally a text that says 'I'm going to your Gran's in 10 minutes if you want to go see her'

He's an arsehole and nothing to aspire to

worldweary45 · 14/07/2020 18:36

My ex hasn't spoken to our eldest for 3 years and our youngest maybe once or twice this year. It's generally a text that says 'I'm going to your Gran's in 10 minutes if you want to go see her'

He's an arsehole and nothing to aspire to

TheBusDriver · 17/07/2020 14:17

This depends on the mother.

You would think most wouldnt stop contact between child and father but it is all about power and control with some of them.

Original poster
Jackeroosmum · 17/07/2020 14:27

@TheBusDriver but I am the mother and I am encouraging more contact! Ex is the one choosing to never call the kids when they are with me. I'm trying to find out if I'm being unreasonable expecting him to want to speak to his children when he doesn't see them for 5 days...

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 17/07/2020 14:30

@TheBusDriver

This depends on the mother.

You would think most wouldnt stop contact between child and father but it is all about power and control with some of them.

Nah my ex didn't bother for 16 weeks he could contact them over the xbox anytime I told him to contact them that way if he didn't want to use my phone he chose not too
TheBusDriver · 17/07/2020 15:58

Sorry @Jackeroosmum wasn't implying it was your fault.

I know a couple of friends who are having issues contacting their daughters - everything has to be to mums liking - if they stay on longer than 15mins she demands they come off the phone. Makes me sick.

I cant believe a parent wouldnt want to speak to the child.

AnnaNimmity · 17/07/2020 16:05

@TheBusDriver

This depends on the mother.

You would think most wouldnt stop contact between child and father but it is all about power and control with some of them.

Bollocks. This is so rare. Take your agenda elsewhere.

My ex doesn't talk to the children at all in between visits. He didn't see them at all for about 16 weeks in lockdown. The older ones do have phones so he can talk to them, but for the younger ones it's only when he sees them - now eow. And I've tried so hard to get him to talk to them more often and he refuses.

rbe78 · 17/07/2020 16:19

@AnnaNimmity

What's your justification for saying this is 'so rare'? Not all single mothers are selfless saints and not all non-resident fathers are abusive distant wankers.

My OH (split for getting on for a decade) is 'allowed' to call his children once a week at a time specified by their mother. When they initially split, he called at three regular times a week, but she told him speaking to his children was 'unsettling' for them, and so he was only allowed to call once a week. She said if he tried to to call more than that, she wouldn't let him call them at all.

She will also often take the kids out at this designated time, without any prior warning, and won't reply to texts asking when they would be available to call instead. Another favourite was switching the WiFi off overnight (because it's 'dangerous' to leave it on) and not getting up in the morning to switch it back on, so OH could only phone, not Skype.

This is better now the kids are older and have their own phones - they can now have some agency in when they can speak to their dad.

It was 100% a power play from their mother - I would say that this kind of behaviour from resident parents is far more common than you allow. It's pretty intriguing that you reject other people's lived experiences as 'bollocks' - what's your agenda?

NorthernSpirit · 17/07/2020 16:57

@AnnaNimmity

On what basis is it bollocks that a mother wouldn’t not let the RP speak to their own children. What do you base this on?

On this thread alone - there’s 7 posers who do let it go ahead and 3 posters who can’t (or OH’s can’t) speak to their own kids - that’s 43% almost half!!!!!

It’s not rare at all. That’s why judges (sadly) have to force some controlling selfish RP to give indirect contact.

karma1979 · 18/07/2020 07:42

Hi. I've posted the exact same thing before. My stbex doesn't seem to contact the kids in between his eow (to be fair he might be WhatsApping dd who is 12 without my knowledge which is fair enough) but the 8 yo I think would do well with more regular contact. I know he misses his dad as asks when his weekend is coming up. I've never broached it with him as don't feel I'm placed to now we're not together. I always tell my son he's able to call his dad but he never does

WindSurfer37 · 18/07/2020 15:49

My partner only sees his daughter EOW at the moment (he's currently having to go through court for more contact) but he doesn't have any phone contact in between because his ex-wife listens in and answers questions he's asking SD and tells him not to say certain stuff / interrupts him... SD actually said to him when she was here she doesn't like talking to him on the phone because of it, and it makes him uncomfortable too... so it just doesn't happen now.

Doesn't help the relationship at all, but in our scenario he can either insist and make SD uncomfortable or leave it.

morefun · 18/07/2020 16:45

Ex and father of 9 yo DD: sees her once in the week and once at the weekend, they don't tend to communicate in between, but both fine with that.

Father of 3 yo DS: sees him twice in week and again at weekend and don't communicate in between, but he does message me to ask how he is or ask for a pic.

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