Childcare arrangements

[Loracina]

Hi, our divorce process is well underway but we are still disagreeing on childcare arrangements as my husband is trying to minimise the days I have with my son - I'm the higher earner and work long hours but don't think that means I need to have less time with my boy.

I'm trying to avoid a legal battle and costs, if I agree on a temporary, initial basis to allow his father to have him more often while I set myself up in a new house, etc; would I find it difficult later to ask for a more balanced division of custody?

Would the courts disadvantage me due to this initial set up? I think after the initial anger is over, my STBX will be less of an idiot about it all and we will share custody more equally.

Any thoughts? 🙏

Thank you

Who does the majority of the childcare now? That person should continue to do so.

His father does; we agreed on this as he finishes work early and can pick our son up from school most days.

As a family, we had agreed on this when he decided a career change and started on a lower paid job while training, and so I carried on working more to balance out our costs.

Now during lockdown I'm working from home but as he is on furlough he tends to do more childcare Monday to Friday.

Will that probably count against me? 🙁 It feels so unfair.

Depends what he is proposing and how old your DC is now?

Would you be able to change your work pattern into 3 long and 2 shorter days so that you are available to do a pick up and drop off at childcare/nursery?

Yes. My work is demanding but also very flexible, I can work longer days when my son is with his dad and now I'm mostly working from home and so I can do drop off/pick up etc. My boy is only 5.

I just feel there is a lot of anger at the moment due to the divorce so I'm inclined to allow more time with his dad at first but would want it reviewed in a few months once I settle in new home.

STBX keeps threatening me, saying he will spend all our money on lawyers if he has to, so I'm trying to avoid a legal battle as would rather use the money to buy a house/save for my son's future.

I just don't want that to count against me in the future. I'm sure his dad will say that I have abandoned my son, even though I'm not going to live more than 10 minutes away.

All very scary and confusing...

The thing is, it's not really about what's fair for you, it's about what's best for your child, and that is minimal disruption. If you work long hours and have your child in the week, who will do pick up/drop off? Who will do after school care from 3 til when you finish? A nanny? Someone else? If you're working long hours then you won't really be able to spend time with your child in the week, so it makes sense that they stay mainly with the parent who usually takes care of them, and can be there for them.

You need to find a SHL one that has a good proven record and get advice, the starting point for residency is 50:50.

It would have to go to mediation before court.

As you have been wfh etc for 4 months and presumably prove that you can do school pick up and drop offs I think he would struggle to block you have near 50:50.

What split is he suggesting?

The minimum you should be getting is Fri/Sat/Sun nights EOW plus say Wednesday overnight every week plus 50% of school holidays/teacher training days.

I wanted a 50:50 approach but understand that 60:40 might be best for our son. Having said that I also think he needs time with both his parents.

His dad is proposing two weekends each a month which is ok; but on the weekends I don't have my son, I would have him one weekday night which I don't think is enough. I don't think he is being reasonable.

If we cannot agree the only option would be to go to mediation right? Or perhaps ask a family member to try and help in the conversation?

I wanted to propose 3 night with me; 4 with his dad each week, alternated weekends which I thought was fair.

What you have suggested is fair, 6 nights versus 8 per fortnight.

The pattern can be a bit complicated.

I would put it in writing that what you are suggesting is in the best interests of your son. That the courts would readily award you EOW (3 nights) plus one midweek overnight plus 50% of school holidays which is only very slightly less than your suggestion and with you living locally far more child centric.

I think the courts would support what you have asked for and as you say he is just lashing out.

Thank you all very much for your comments, it is very helpful x

I think that your issue here is that though when wfh now you can collect your child, you have not been doing so before nor would be after returning to the office. Whereas your husband has sacrificed his career to accommodate the child's needs and is the primary carer for all intents and purposes.
Given that I fully understand how he could justify a greater split being in the best interests of the child, as he is able to facilitate collecting and dropping etc.
Given you work such long hours, eow plus a night in the week, wouldn't be unreasonable if you could guarantee you'd always be available to collect from school etc. If not, it adds more weight to your husbands case.

Could you for example guarantee that every other Monday you could drop at school so could have alternate 3 night weekends?

I can understand and agree to an extent that he has been doing a lot of the childcare, although I disagree he has sacrificed his career for the family. It was his choice as he was unhappy with previous job and wanted to train and start a new career, which I fully supported as I had received a pay rise and we could afford him cutting down his salary by half.

Before that I used to do all drop offs and pick ups and work full time.

Having said that I know he does a lot with our son, activities, etc, and I don't want that to stop. I should have enough flexibility at work to do my share of childcare, and might not even go back to the office like before, hopefully! :)

We have just been successful in court for 2-2-5-5 which is a 50/50 approach for DSD. Her mum works shifts and whilst she tried to disagree this would mean she won't 'see' DSD on her nights properly, she has a job which allows for a flex working request and the judge told her as much.

If you were looking for 50/50 I would recommend 2-2-5-5 as it's not only clear for a child to follow in understanding who they will be with and when, it allows parents to have make changes to their working pattern to suit ie. DP will now work longer Monday and Tuesdays weekly plus alternative Fridays so he can be there for every drop off and collection from school on our days. Family Courts seem to favour this approach too as they too believe it's beneficial and fair for the child